The Surprising Truth About Five Dieting Beliefs

feet-scaleWho has time to keep up with all that weight loss research? After all, it’s so technical and confusing and often uses really big, difficult words like “measurement”.  And if you don’t know what you are doing, you might end up trapped in a 1997 Plymouth Voyager, eating ketchup packets to stay alive while angry Iranian protestors bang on your windows demanding “Death to America”.  Or speaking to a giant goiter that has sprung from your neck.  Or mauled by polar bears.

It’s a cold, brutal world out there and it is often difficult for the average person to spend more than 12 seconds reading something before being so completely overcome with rage that they begin howling and drooling.  Lucky for you, our team of Tyranny of Nutrition weight loss researchers have spent hours of painstaking research researching the research done by other researchers.  Surprisingly, we found that many of the dieting myths accepted as gospel by the mindless mob of cellulite obsessed Americans all desperately trying to think about anything but their own fragile mortality were actually just a bunch of lies concocted by narcissistic fools who would put a knife in their grandmother’s throat for a shot to get on Oprah.

Knowing what the actual truth is in this godforsaken, garbage heap of a world can be the difference between winning and losing The Battle of The Bulge.  Here’s the skinny on some of the best-known diet myths around.

1. If I Stop Eating Entirely, I Will Die

False:  The average human can survive for years without consuming a single calorie.  In new research done by The National Society For The Prevention of Human Emotion, 93 percent of people just fool themselves into eating because they are weak.  They have been coddled by our liberal schools and, as a result, believe they need to eat in order to “nourish their bodies”.  They can never truly understand the feeling of pride that our forefathers experienced by ignoring their basic needs and suffering an entire lifetime for absolutely no reason in particular.

2. Being Overweight Can Lead To Diabetes, Heart Disease and Walking Corpse Disorder

True (but so what): Life is cruel and fleeting.  Ever hear the one about the guy who won the lottery and got hit and killed by a milk truck the next day?  Or the one about super athlete marathoner who dropped dead of a heart attack in his early 40s?  According to a recent study done by The American Bureau of Obvious Statistics, 100 percent of Americans will die at some point in their lives.  In most cases, it will be in a miserable, hideous way, unless you are lucky enough to die in your sleep or in the throws of passion. Sure, a proper diet may buy you a few years, but the end will be far more terrible than you can possibly imagine and there is a good chance that regardless of what you eat, something random and unspeakable will happen to you anyway.

3. Skinnier People Are Happier Than Fat People

False:  No one is ever happy for very long.  Many skinny people spend half of their time obsessing over not becoming fat.  Many fat people spend half of their time obsessing over becoming skinny.  If they manage to steer clear of that trap, there is a whole universe of possible maladies and unsightly embarrassments to be terrified of.  From chronic halitosis, to acne, to worrying that their young children are acting like Bebe’s Kids at the local library, cruel judgments wait around every corner.  The only relief most people get from constant feelings of inadequacy is the joy in noticing and quietly mocking the faults of others.  On and on South of Heaven.

4. When You Lose Weight, More People Will Like You

False:  People don’t avoid you because you are heavy.  They steer clear of you because having interactions with other humans is often intolerably dull and painful.  Don’t take it personally; most people hate everyone.  They long for a day when the human race is wiped out, but they worry that Internet service and pizza delivery will be affected by global extinction, so they do not take action.  Lose all the weight you want, it won’t change the fact that almost everyone who talks to you on a daily basis fantasizes about turning on the news and finding out you were swallowed up by a sinkhole during the night.

5. Weight Loss Happens Only When God Wills It

True:  Let’s face it, the reason most people are fat is because the Western world has all but turned it’s back on God.  You never see any pictures of fat Puritans, do you?  The weight of the average American has nearly tripled since prayer has been taken out of schools by those meddlers over in Washington.  Obesity is God’s punishment on America for its love affair with atheism, fast food and heavy metal music.

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on March 25, 2013 - 7:26 AM

    Sweet!!! This is the validation that I’ve been looking for in my life to indicate that I can lay off the rigors of unnecessary cardio, be it jogging, playing basketball, or crawling out of bed. Thanks ToT!

  2. #3 by G-LO on March 25, 2013 - 8:46 AM

    My favorite: #2. No one gets out alive, so you may as well just live it up. Pass the Nachos! I’ll bring the beer and whisky!

    Cheers!
    G-LO

    • #4 by Nikflorida on March 25, 2013 - 4:47 PM

      I can only speak for myself, of course, but if I have the choice between eating garbage and feeling like crap all the time then dying 10 years earlier, or still eating lots of pleasant stuff but paying a little attention, feeling great and having plenty of energy, plus getting to enjoy life for 10 extra years, I’m not gonna have a really hard time making that choice.

      • #5 by Keith Spillett on March 25, 2013 - 5:14 PM

        You should try nachos. I think you’d change your tune in a hurry.

    • #6 by nikflorida on March 25, 2013 - 4:51 PM

      I can only speak for myself, of course, but if my choices are to (a) eat crap and feel like crap and die 10 years earlier, or (b) eat lots of really tasty, but fresh, reasonably nutritious food, have more energy and less physical complaints, and enjoy my life longer, I’m not gonna have a really difficult time making that choice (by the way, my BMI is about 24 and my BF is roughly 15% at age 45. I don’t do anything particularly difficult to maintain that: I just consistently make wise choices about food and exercise)

    • #7 by Keith Spillett on March 25, 2013 - 5:13 PM

      G-LO my man, I couldn’t agree with you more!

  3. #8 by Jim Wheeler on March 25, 2013 - 9:24 AM

    6. Except for resorting to number 1. above, any attempt to achieve a normal healthy weight is futile.

    True. Unless you are a savage in the Amazon forest there is no natural food available. Most stuff in grocery stores is highly processed with added fat, sugar and salt, and/or has been coated with pesticides and chemicals to appear preternaturally perfect at the expense of nutrition. And don’t even think about fleeing to the Amazon. There are fifteen perils there that are guaranteed to kill you as soon as you are finished raising your kids. Or sooner.

    7. Pizza is the perfect food.

    True. So forget all that other stuff.

    • #9 by nikflorida on March 25, 2013 - 4:53 PM

      There’s natural food available in my vegetable garden and local farmer’s markets 8 months out of the year, and from my freezer in the winter. It’s really just a matter of choices you make.

    • #10 by Keith Spillett on March 25, 2013 - 5:16 PM

      Wheeler! Glad to hear from you Sir! Imagine if pizza grew in the Amazon. It would be more perfect!

  4. #11 by mirkinfirkin on March 25, 2013 - 10:57 AM

    Excellent and insightful analysis, particularly in the case of point number two, with which I can claim some personal experience. I had a friend, may he rest in peace, who was determined to lose 500 pounds, to bring himself down to a (comparatively) svelte and sexy 500 pounds. In order to do so, he borrowed money from our local chapter of the Mob (why, I cannot say). Some weeks later, his remains (?) were mysteriously found at the opposite end of a heavy duty wood chipper. His untimely death was ruled a suicide, on the basis of insanity brought on by grief at not being able to pay back an outstanding loan at 4000% interest. After all, only the truly insane would be able to cut themselves up into chunks sufficiently small to fit into the maw of a wood chipper.

    • #12 by nikflorida on March 25, 2013 - 4:53 PM

      Or, you could just not ever GET 500 lbs overweight, and enjoy your life more and longer. It’s a choice you make.

      • #13 by Keith Spillett on March 25, 2013 - 5:20 PM

        I really think they must not have good food where you live or something.

      • #14 by mirkinfirkin on March 25, 2013 - 7:52 PM

        But think of all the maple syrup deep fried poutine you’d miss!!! It takes true dedication to food to get to 1000 lb!!!

    • #15 by Keith Spillett on March 25, 2013 - 5:19 PM

      If I could crack 4 digits, I’d stay there. How many people can say they’ve done that?

  5. #16 by Left Hook from Right Field on March 25, 2013 - 11:36 AM

    I haven’t eaten in 7 months and I’m doing fine. Point well taken, sir.

  6. #18 by soundslikeorange on March 25, 2013 - 3:11 PM

    There goes all the meaning from my life. If I can’t compare myself to an untrainable ideal, what’s the point? I guess it’s time to switch to get-rich-quick schemes.

    • #19 by Keith Spillett on March 25, 2013 - 5:21 PM

      Yeah, generally investment Ponzi schemes fill that void in my life. And Amway.

  7. #20 by victoriagrimalkin on March 25, 2013 - 5:11 PM

    I wish I could be fat, but my husband won’t let me. He hates fat in every form. He eats like a bird, and consequently, so do I. I am thin, but I would rather be fat and happy. Well, I’m happy with my husband otherwise, so I guess this is a small concession. Now, if I could just get him to listen to METAL!

    • #21 by Keith Spillett on March 25, 2013 - 5:18 PM

      Play him some Bathory. That usually gets the non-metalheads pretty quickly. I don’t understand this eating like a bird concept. Eating a bird, yes, but eating like one….not so much.

  8. #22 by Virginia Hammond on March 25, 2013 - 6:48 PM

    This is one of the most informative articles on dieting to be published in months. I especially love that you did not use the term “pannus” or “panniculus” as I am currently eating leftover pizza. I need to finish it up before it goes bad.

    • #23 by Keith Spillett on March 25, 2013 - 6:58 PM

      My goal, ney, my vision is to provide informative information to those who want to be informed. Is pancreas okay? How about panoply? Pandemic?

      • #24 by Virginia Hammond on March 25, 2013 - 7:42 PM

        Absolutely alright by me. However, I would avoid “putrid” “pustule” and “panties.” A lot of women hate the word “panties.”

      • #25 by Keith Spillett on March 25, 2013 - 7:52 PM

        Pusillanimous????

  9. #26 by mirkinfirkin on March 26, 2013 - 10:26 AM

    “Pustule” is especially bad for the Public in general – there are a lot of people suffering from Pus Traumatic Stress Disorder out there.

  10. #28 by Dave on March 27, 2013 - 5:32 PM

    I like hot dogs. I call them “happy dogs.”

    • #29 by Keith Spillett on March 27, 2013 - 5:35 PM

      They go great was a liter of Koch’s Golden Anniversary.

      • #30 by Dave on March 27, 2013 - 5:39 PM

        Right on, my man!

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