Posts Tagged Vulgar Display of Power

“Help!!! Pantera is Making My Son Dumber!”

Pantera

Often at Tyranny of Tradition, we receive strange emails from people. From being asked which metal band performs the best on stage animal sacrifice to getting lectured on how we are not a true metal website because we have done an article about The Devil Wears Prada, we thought we had seen everything.  However, this is, by far, the best one that has ever graced our inbox. 

Dear Mr. Spillett,

I write to you today to seek your help with a problem relating to my youngest son, Todd.  I found a few articles from your website “The Tyranny of Tradition” while making a routine search of his computer and noticed that you are both a heavy metal fan and a parent.  This may seem like a strange request, but I’m concerned about Todd thought you might be in the position to give us some assistance.

Up until 6 months ago, Todd was a truly talented, wonderful young man.  He had a 4.0 grade point average and was in line for a lacrosse scholarship.  He was an esteemed 11th grader at the illustrious Chatsworth Academy, the finest, most competitive prep school in Northeast.  He was on his way to an Ivy League school and perhaps a successful career with a Park Avenue Law Firm or as the manager of a multi-million dollar hedge fund on Wall Street.

He was being invited to the best parties and making friends with some of the future leaders of this great nation.  There were even some hints that he might be accepted to Pi Epsilon Kappa, a secret society for the most elite members of the Chatsworth community.  Then, one horrible day, he picked up an album called “Vulgar Display of Power” by a band referred to as “Pantera”.

At first, Todd Sr. and I didn’t think it was that big a deal.  After all, both of us have gone through our rebellious phases.  Many of my closest friends don’t know this about me, but I went to a Bee Gees concert back in the 70s.  In spite of this, I’ve gone on to be the President of our Neighborhood Association in one of the most exclusive gated communities in Connecticut.  We just figured he would outgrow this dark and vile music quickly and get back to being the great American we all believe he can be.

Well, we were wrong.  Lately, he’s gotten rid of his collared shirts and neatly pressed khakis and been wearing these “Pantera” shirts and jeans out in public.  One of the shirts has a picture of a man being punched in the face, another has a picture of a drill going into a human head and one, which I have since thrown in the trash, had an unmentionable profanity in front of the word Hostile.

He’s been hanging out with a new crowd.  Many of them are loud, unshaven and look like they haven’t taken a shower in quite a long time.  Several of them look like they just robbed a 7-11. He seems less interested in his studies and even refused to go sailing with Todd Sr. in Kennebunkport last Saturday.

Honestly, we have no idea what to do.  If this continues, his earning potential will decrease dramatically.  He could end up one of those bums on skid row, in jail or even on his way to the electric chair.  He’s talked about getting a tattoo that says “RIP Dime” on his back….God knows what that is a code for!!!!  We think it might be part of an initiation to some heavy metal, biker gang or possibly part of a ritual from some satanic cult.

As his parent, we are worried that all of this “Pantera” music is simply making him dumber.  We have considered locking him in his room on weekends, forcing him to have electro-shock therapy and taking away his music listening privileges until he stops acting like an animal.  Todd Sr. even suggested hiring a group of barroom hooligans to slap some sense into him.

From some pictures we found of you online, you appear to be one of the cleaner and less dangerous of the metal thugs.  You are able to write in complete sentences and you don’t have rings in your face.  Because of the fact that you have children, we thought you might be able to identify with the concern we feel about Todd’s future.

We would love it if you wrote a letter or even talked to Todd (by phone) telling him about how listening to Pantera has destroyed your life and turned you into a degenerate.  If we tell him about the dangers of this sort of behavior, he’ll simply ignore us.  If one of you people tells him about how this perverted music has ruined your soul and chances for a happy, successful life, we think he might listen.  We’ll be glad to pay you for your time.

Thanks,

Trudy Carrington-Smythe

President

Worthington Estates Neighborhood Association

New Canaan, Connecticut

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Rumors of 2013 Pantera Reunion Picking Up Steam

In a story that may set the entire metal world on its ear, several sources have speculated that Pantera may reunite to play a series of shows in 2013.  Pantera, whose seminal Vulgar Display of Power record turned 20 this year, have been broken up since 2003.  The band was a major force in heavy metal, topping the billboard album charts in 1994 with their release Far Beyond Driven. A Pantera reunion would, no doubt, be the concert event of 2013, if not of this decade.

The rumors began during a conversation last week between my friend Matt and I.  We were discussing the merits of “The Great Southern Trendkill” and I mentioned, “Wouldn’t it be great if they got back together!?!?!”

Matt replied, “Yeah!  I’d travel anywhere in the country to see them, but Vinny and Phil are on really bad terms since Dime died.   No chance.”

I looked at Matt and said, “But there would a lot of money on the table.  A whole lot of money.  My cousin Johnny ate a bag of thumbtacks once for 20 dollars.  He ended up having to have surgery and now he can’t drink milk or ginger ale.  He was never right afterwards.  Sometimes, he acts like he’s a pirate and digs enormous holes in his backyard looking for treasure.  He even makes fake treasure maps and ‘finds’ them in strange places that he hid them hours earlier.  The point is, this Pantera reunion can happen if someone, like maybe the Koch Brothers or George Soros or somebody big puts about 100 million in front of them.  That sort of cash moves mountains.”

Paulie Reznik, the guy we hired to fix the hole in our roof from last week’s storm, confirmed that a Pantera reunion could happen.  “It could happen, man.  For sure,” said Paulie, a diehard Pantera fan and owner of nearly 300 heavy metal bobblehead dolls, in a recent interview with Tyranny of Tradition.

However, my wife adamantly denied the possibility of a Pantera tour.  She claimed that the rumors are baseless, that I had skipped a dosage of my medication again and that I was ‘allegedly’ pretending that things that I make up are really happening.  “Honey, why don’t you go lay down for a while?  You’re doing that thing where you are confusing fantasy and reality.  Remember last month you thought Picasso had come back from the grave and told you to spray paint the cat orange and speak only in Aramaic?  That wasn’t true either.  You just need some rest.”

Pantera, for their part, have yet to comment on the rumors.  Often, when a person or group refuses to confirm or deny a story it is because there is some truth to it.  Where there is smoke there is fire, or so the saying goes.  If Pantera continues to refuse to comment on the rumors that I am making up, you can pretty much bet your life savings that they will be back on the stage in 2013.  Sometimes silence speaks volumes.

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