Furniture Store of Human Suffering

(A heavy set man named Oliver stands alone in the center of a nearly endless, empty but brightly lit furniture store.  He is greeted by a thin, cheerful man with a name badge that reads “Stan”)

 

Stan:  Can I help you with something, Sir?

 

Oliver:  Well, I’m in the process of moving from an apartment into a house.  I have more room and am in need of some new furniture to fill the place out. 

 

Stan:  Great, well you’ve come to the right place.  What are you looking for first?

 

Oliver:  Well, I’ll need a new couch. 

 

Stan:  Right this way.

 

(Stan leads down a row of dining room tables into a bank of couches) 

 

Stan:  Are you looking for a sectional, maybe a divan….

 

Oliver:  (pointing at a large, rather non-descript red couch)  That one…over there.  I like that.

 

Stan:  Ah yes!  Our 20th Century Persian Sectional.  Very popular item.

 

Oliver:  I don’t mean to be rude, but I’d like to cut right to the chase.  I have a budget I’m working with.  I’ve seen this couch before at another store but it was too expensive.  If you offer me a good deal on it, I’m pretty much sold.  What’s it cost?

 

Stan:  No problem at all.  I like working with someone who wants to get right down to business.  (pulling a tag from behind the couch)  This couch right here will cost you the first twelve nights you spent alone after your wife and children left you and the funeral of your Aunt Sally. 

 

Oliver:  Wow.  That’s a bit steep for a couch.  The IKEA up the street only wanted the week my father was in a coma after the construction accident and the time my dog froze to death on the back porch when I was six.

 

Stan:  Hmmm…..Okay, look, you’ve got me over a bit of a barrel here.  I’ll be frank with you, I need to move some merchandise pretty quickly.  Got a new shipment coming in, plus my boss needs to see some numbers.  You seem like a nice fellow, how about I ask you for the time your parents locked you in a closet for five hours because you got caught smoking and the time you were eight and your uncle punched you in the face because he thought you had hidden the remote control?

Oliver:  Not bad.  Will you throw in the ottoman?

 

Stan:  Done.

 

Oliver:  We have a deal.  Now, let’s see about a bed for the guest room.

 

Stan:  (hurriedly moving to the bed section) Right this way.

 

Oliver:  Looking for a queen-sized mattress and an upscale looking frame.  Oak maybe.  What’s that set over there run?

 

Stan:  Well, that one will set you back the week after you were first diagnosed with diabetes, the time you got fired from your high school job at Target because you fell asleep in the stock room and the death of your good friend Ralph.

 

Oliver:  That’s just too much.  This is going in the guest room.  Do you have anything a bit more reasonable?

 

Stan:  Well, this set in the corner will only run you the time you got cut from the JV basketball team and the car accident where you caused that man to be in intensive care for five weeks.  And it’s quite sturdy.

 

Oliver:  Sold.  Now, all I’m really in need of are some end tables for the living room and a recliner and I’ve got everything I need.

 

Stan:  Well, I’ve got a recliner over here that I think you are going to love.  Check out this little number.

 

Oliver:  (sitting down in a huge leather chair and leaning back)  Oh yeah!  Stan, may I call you that….

 

Stan:  Certainly.

 

Oliver:  Stan, this is like heaven on earth.  I haven’t been this comfortable in a long time.  This would be perfect for the living room.

 

Stan:  Well, you sure picked the right day to visit us!  That’s a closeout special.  Do you like the style of table next to it?

 

Oliver:  Very much.

 

Stan:  Here’s what I’m going to do.  I’ll get you the recliner and two end tables just like that one as a package.  All you need to give me are the ten or so experiences of sexual inadequacy with women you’ve accumulated in the last three years and it’s yours.  What do you say?

 

Oliver:  Well, it’s a great chair…..

 

Stan:  Imagine putting your feet up on a Sunday and watching the game in that chair.  Think of how comfortable you’ll be.  Think of how much joy this will bring you.  Think of all the pain and suffering this will substitute for.  You don’t need anything in this world but a comfortable chair and a place to put your feet up.  Call me old fashioned, but I believe that.

 

Oliver:  Stan, you’ve got yourself a deal.  When can it be delivered?

 

Stan:  Well, delivery will cost the week that in elementary school that everyone decided to ignore you because someone caught you picking your nose.  I could have it in your home by Friday.  Just write down your address and I’ll have the fellas bring it on by.

 

Oliver:  Sounds like a plan.  It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.

 

Stan:  Likewise, Oliver.  Likewise. 

(The two men shake hands)

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  1. #1 by Ian Kinross on June 21, 2012 - 6:21 PM

    This is a classic and deserves its rightful place in existential comic hell.

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on June 21, 2012 - 7:02 PM

      Thank you!!!! Its goal was to amuse and inspire self-immolation.

  2. #3 by raulmetalhead on June 22, 2012 - 3:50 AM

    This one has hit the nail into the plank.. and right through the brain. Amazing.. simply amazing

  3. #5 by Jim Wheeler on June 22, 2012 - 8:36 AM

    Bizarre, amusing, socially-leveling and strangely cathartic. Nice job, Keith.

  4. #6 by Keith Spillett on June 22, 2012 - 8:53 AM

    Thanks Jim! Your feedback is always deeply appreciated!

  5. #7 by hush wedding for chelsea18 on June 1, 2013 - 5:00 AM

    Hi; Did you ever meet Joran and his pimps?

  6. #8 by John Nelson on June 4, 2013 - 3:25 PM

    Wonderful!

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