The Tyranny of Tradition

There have been many greatest moments in my life. The birth of my two children, my wedding day, the first time I saw Jodorowsky’s “Holy Mountain”, the time my high school basketball team came back from 8 down to win the league championship, the first time I saw an x-ray of my foot, defending my family from alligators and nuclear waste fueled swamp mutants after our plane crashed into the Everglades….

…the time my pancreas was featured on the Today Show in their “Pancreas of The Month” segment, the day I found out that my neighbors wife wasn’t missing, but had been consumed by him in an all-night Santeria ritual meant to bring a plague of locust on the people of Peru…

…..the time during college when myself and a couple of friends stole an 800 pound orangatuan from the Bronx Zoo, the moment I realized I had the power to become a donkey merely by selling my eternal soul to former President Jimmy Carter and the day I first learned that Al Roker was my biological  father.

However, all great days pale in comparison to today. For this is the day I get to publish an unInterview with a man I’m not afraid to say that I love. His music has shaped me into the deluded, psychotic misanthrope that I am today.

Both Scatterbrain and Ludichrist helped me discover the parts of myself that were missing after I was accidentally dismembered on an assembly line in Flint, Michigan back in 1953.

Now, without further adieu (as the French say), I present to you The Man, The Myth, The Legend….Tommy Christ….

Why did you kick Slash out of the band?

Two stars keep not their motion in one sphere;

When did you first realize Led Zeppelin had plagiarized a portion of “Whole Lotta Love” from Scatterbrain’s “Down With The Ship”?

Who steals my purse steals trash. ‘Tis something, nothing:

‘Twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands.

But he that filches from me my good name

Robs me of that which not enriches him

And makes me poor indeed.

Rank your favorite Hawkwind albums in order 1 through 983.

I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly I

know a hawk from a handsaw.

When Rob Halford rejoined Ludichrist, do you think it improved the band or do you think you were better off with Blaze Bayley singing?

And I can teach thee, coz, to shame the devil

By telling truth: tell truth and shame the devil.

If thou have power to raise him, bring him hither,

And I’ll be sworn I have power to shame him hence.

O, while you live, tell truth and shame the devil!

How come Steve Perry won’t play live with you anymore? Is it because he is short?

I have long dreamt of such a kind of man,

So surfeit-swell’d, so old, and so profane;

But being awak’d, I do despise my dream.

Do you ever wear pleather on stage? How about around the house?

What, is the jay more precious than the lark

Because his feathers are more beautiful?

Who is a better drummer Ricki Rocket or a sock puppet?

None better than to let him fetch off his drum, which you hear him so confidently undertake to do.

How did your band end up with the starring role in 2 Fast 2 Furious? And what did you do to make Bill O’Reilly so angry?

Can he be angry? I have seen the cannon,

When it hath blown his ranks into the air,

And, like the devil, from his very arm

Puff’d his own brother:—and can he be angry?

Something of moment then: I will go meet him:

There’s matter in’t indeed, if he be angry.

Did Mitt Romney get your permission to use “This Party Sucks” before campaign speeches or did he do that without asking?

O, he is as tedious

As a tired horse, a railing wife;

Worse than a smoky house: I had rather live

With cheese and garlic in a windmill, far,

Than feed on cates and have him talk to me

In any summer-house in Christendom.

That time you toured with so and so. What was that like?

Set you down this;

And say besides, that in Aleppo once,

Where a malignant and a turban’d Turk

Beat a Venetian and traduced the state,

I took by the throat the circumcised dog,

And smote him, thus.