Posts Tagged unInterviews

An unInterview With Gary Meskil From Pro-Pain That Didn’t Really Take Place After I Was Beaten At Shoprite


If I could be anyone when I grow up, it would be Gary Meskil from Pro-Pain.  I have an unhealthy fascination with the man’s work.  The band has several thousand albums and I have memorized every detail about every one of them.    

You can imagine my surprise when I ran into him in a Shoprite in Passaic, New Jersey.  He was buying turnips.  I was so overcome with joy that I began leaping up and down and shouting.  I attempted to hug Mr. Meskil when a store security guard, who erroneously believed I was trying to assault him, hit me over the head with a billyclub.  I lost consciousness.  

When I awoke, I was in a hospital room.  Gary was standing there with my family looking extremely concerned holding a Whitman’s Sampler and a card that said “Get Well Soon, Champ!” on the front. I began asking him questions… 

Me:  I saw the band play back in 1992 when “Foul Taste of Freedom” had just come out. One of my favorite shows ever. It was in a Guido bar in New Rochelle, New York called Marty and Lenny’s that occasionally did metal shows under the equally awful name “The Rocker Room”. I was a skinny high school kid with a Gabe Kaplan from “Welcome Back, Kotter” looking Afro. I was wearing an Immolation shirt. How would you rate my performance in the pit that night?

Gary:  I would give it the highest of scores. A perfect 10! Aerodynamic haircuts are timeless and seem to be quite practical in and out of the confines of the pit. The spherical shape obviously aides in getting to the forefront of the circle pit and also in eluding certain rough and tumble types. The Gabe Kaplan cut was a good one! Add an Immolation T-shirt and you have a perfect score!

Me In High School

Me In High School

Me:  Was Johnny Black a real guy or is that a made up story?

Gary:  It’s a true story, but I made it vague enough so that the fans could relate to it via their own story. It’s generally about a modern day James Dean type. Someone whom we all looked up to “way back when”. Then as the years went by, everyone and everything seemed to change around him, yet he stayed exactly the same. As a result, those who once idolized him suddenly frowned upon him. He died young, and I was inspired to write about my observations of people who lose their inner child as they grow older. Suddenly everything becomes shallow and forced, with talks about the weather and such. I admire people who have the guts to always be themselves.

Possibly The Only Person On Earth Who Could Wear A Polo Shirt At A Metal Concert And Look Cool

Possibly The Only Person On Earth Who Could Wear A Polo Shirt At A Metal Concert And Look Cool

Me:  You have an incredibly powerful, distinctive voice. Have you ever ended up in a public situation where a used car salesman or some other idiot is jerking you around and all of a sudden you change your voice like in “Johnny Black” and scare the hell out of them?

Gary:  That’s a great idea, but I can’t recall ever vocally changing gears like that as a fear tactic in public. However, as a father it came in quite handy sometimes to use my “stage voice”, since I’m in favor of sparing the rod.

Me:  (in a serious voice)  A running theme in your music is a weariness and frustration with American military adventurism. From “Iraqnophobia” to “To Never Return” (a song I believe to be one of the most passionate indictments of US foreign policy ever put to music), you have railed against the government’s choice of wars. Do you see anyway for the United States to, at this point, extract ourselves from decisions driven by the military-industrial complex or are we pretty much stuck playing that hand until Armageddon or revolution?

Gary:  It’s pretty idealistic to think that war is somehow not perpetual. That is indeed how insane the world is. There seems to be a disharmony between humans and nature. Perhaps we are alien to this Earth. The wars and occupations will continue as long as at least half of the citizens of the occupying country are somehow convinced that it is necessary. The world desperately needs more tolerance and less ignorance.

Me:  You have done some interesting experimenting with your sound over the years. Have you ever thought of doing a really freaky, out-there Pro-Pain album? Maybe a mix of thrash, hardcore, gospel, and Bangladeshi folk music. Or something in that vain?

Gary:  That would be interesting, if nothing else. I think there are bands out there who experiment to the extreme in that regard. System Of A Down comes to mind. They use their influences really well, in my opinion. With Pro-Pain, there have been quite a few exploratory moments over the years, and more than we are given credit for (I’m sure). We used 808 samples (now called bass drops) in 92’, we had trumpets on our debut , a sax solo and Ice-T duet in 95’, horn sections on various songs, melodic vocals, and lots of guitar wizardry….yet some still categorize us as just a hardcore band.

Here Is Gary.  He's Actually Flying.

Here Is Gary. He’s Actually Flying.

Me:  I’m in the Pro-Pain Army on Facebook. Is there any chance we could go to war with the Kiss Army? We could invade the makeup aisle at Target or something. Go after anyone who has whiskers painted on them. What do you say?

Gary:  Sounds like a plan, (and good PR). We might be outnumbered, but their Love Guns are no match for our PRO-PAIN Tanks!

Me:  What do you think the greatest film ever made is? 

Gary:  The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz

Me:  Really?  Why?

Gary:  Because it was beautiful on it’s face, ugly inside, and was magically and majestically presented on the big screen circa 1939. To this day, there is still so much room for all kinds of interpretation (political and otherwise). Fascinating stuff!

Me:  Once I was hanging out with a bunch of serious hip-hop heads that were all freestyling rap lyrics. Everybody sounded really good and I was nervous because I can’t freestyle for my life. Each guy did a verse. They were making fun of me because they didn’t think I could rap. Luckily, I knew “Pound for Pound” by heart and none of them listened to metal. I jumped up and did the whole song. They all looked at me in stunned silence and acted like I was some sort of genius. I pretended I made the lyrics up and they all thought I was cool from that point on. I’ve always felt guilty for passing your work off as my own. You’re not angry, are you?

Gary:  No. It must have happened some time ago though, because “Pound For Pound” is now required learning in most urban schools around the country. The class is called Street Cred 101.
Me:  (at this point, I dramatically grabbed his hand…I think it made him horribly uncomfortable, but I wanted to convey the importance of what I was about to say)  Promise me you’ll never stop making Pro-Pain albums. EVER! I want your word on this.

Gary:  Define EVER. My word is that I’ll keep making PRO-PAIN albums as long as I’m ABLE. (see ABLE under definitions).



Me:  (I look away from Gary and directly into the eyes of YOU, the audience)  They have a new album coming out this month.  It is called “Voice Of Rebellion”.  You need to buy multiple copies of it and give it to all of your family members and friends.  If you do not buy at least five copies, hundreds of bees will attack you when you are not expecting it.  Like, when you are sleeping.  Or, on an airplane.

I'm Not Kidding About The Bees

I’m Not Kidding About The Bees

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An unInterview With King Diamond That Never Happened

Just Look At This Guy

Just Look At This Guy

(editors note: At no time during this unInterview did I unInterview King Diamond. As far as I’m aware, he has no idea this unInterview has taken place. Even if he did, I’m guessing that since he is in his early 90’s, his memory is starting to blur.  He would probably either not remember it had it taken place or thought he was talking to Abraham Lincoln)

I did not get a chance to talk to with King Diamond recently. We were not on his tour bus before the concert talking for an hour and a half while he was putting his makeup on. He did not have me come up on stage and sing the chorus of “Tea” with him. After the show, King Diamond and I did not go to a 24-hour Denny’s together and get Moons Over My Hammys. He did not call me later in the week to play racquetball.

Tyranny: Let’s get this straight, Kim. As far as I am aware, America is not a monarchy. Therefore, I will not be referring to you as King at any point during this unInterview. We are both grown men. I’m not going to play the make believe game with you where you pretend to be this dark ghoulish satanic overlord and I pretend to be your frightened minion.

I will be referring to you by your birth name, Kim, throughout the duration of this unInterview. That okay with you, your highness?

(place where King Diamond would have responded)


(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: Kim, I wanted to ask you about the whole being short thing. I read somewhere you are a wee little fella. About 5’4 it said. I heard you used to model for trophies. And that you used to play handball against a curb. And that you can hang glide on a Dorito.

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: When you choose what musicians are going to play with you on a tour, is height a factor? Let’s say, for example, you were to have had the late Peter Steele play bass live with you. He was 6 foot 6. You would have looked like a little marionette next to him. Or like a tiny, painted Chihuahua.

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: Kim is a girl’s name, isn’t it? Were your parents trying to do some sort of Johnny Cash “A Boy Named Sue” thing to toughen you up?

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: What’s with your voice anyway? You sound like an angry Muppet.

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: You seem like a pretty bright guy. Do you ever look back on your life and think that you could have been a doctor or a lawyer instead of a grown man running around a stage in a Halloween costume?

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: In an earlier article I said some pretty insulting stuff about your age. I want to take a moment to apologize for that. As a gesture of goodwill, I want to offer you this tube of Fixodent and a coupon for the early bird special at the local Sizzler.

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: Back to the height thing for a minute. When your band mates are angry with you, do they put your skulls, candles and fingerless leather gloves on high shelves so you can’t reach them without getting a phonebook or a chair?

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: I heard you kicked your bassist Hal Patino off the tour because he threatened to leave you in the bathtub with the water running.

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: If Satan were real, don’t you think he’d be embarrassed by the silly way you are representing him?

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: Don’t cop an attitude with me. What are you going to do?  Put some voodoo spell on me? Bury a human head in a graveyard with a lima bean in its mouth in order to have locust descend on my home?  I’m about a foot taller than you. I’ll take your copy of the Necronomicon and force you to eat it page by page. I’ll smack the paint off your face, son.

Oh…c’mon! Where you goin’? What’s a matter with you?!?! I was only kidding!!!!!

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An unInterview With Tommy Christ Of Scatterbrain and Ludichrist; Though This Be Madness, There Is Method In It


There have been many greatest moments in my life. The birth of my two children, my wedding day, the first time I saw Jodorowsky’s “Holy Mountain”, the time my high school basketball team came back from 8 down to win the league championship, the first time I saw an x-ray of my foot, defending my family from alligators and nuclear waste fueled swamp mutants after our plane crashed into the Everglades….

…the time my pancreas was featured on the Today Show in their “Pancreas of The Month” segment, the day I found out that my neighbors wife wasn’t missing, but had been consumed by him in an all-night Santeria ritual meant to bring a plague of locust on the people of Peru…

…..the time during college when myself and a couple of friends stole an 800 pound orangatuan from the Bronx Zoo, the moment I realized I had the power to become a donkey merely by selling my eternal soul to former President Jimmy Carter and the day I first learned that Al Roker was my biological  father.

However, all great days pale in comparison to today. For this is the day I get to publish an unInterview with a man I’m not afraid to say that I love. His music has shaped me into the deluded, psychotic misanthrope that I am today.

Both Scatterbrain and Ludichrist helped me discover the parts of myself that were missing after I was accidentally dismembered on an assembly line in Flint, Michigan back in 1953.

Now, without further adieu (as the French say), I present to you The Man, The Myth, The Legend….Tommy Christ….

Why did you kick Slash out of the band?

Two stars keep not their motion in one sphere;

When did you first realize Led Zeppelin had plagiarized a portion of “Whole Lotta Love” from Scatterbrain’s “Down With The Ship”?

Who steals my purse steals trash. ‘Tis something, nothing:

‘Twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands.

But he that filches from me my good name

Robs me of that which not enriches him

And makes me poor indeed.

Rank your favorite Hawkwind albums in order 1 through 983.

I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly I

know a hawk from a handsaw.

When Rob Halford rejoined Ludichrist, do you think it improved the band or do you think you were better off with Blaze Bayley singing?

And I can teach thee, coz, to shame the devil

By telling truth: tell truth and shame the devil.

If thou have power to raise him, bring him hither,

And I’ll be sworn I have power to shame him hence.

O, while you live, tell truth and shame the devil!


How come Steve Perry won’t play live with you anymore? Is it because he is short?

I have long dreamt of such a kind of man,

So surfeit-swell’d, so old, and so profane;

But being awak’d, I do despise my dream.

Do you ever wear pleather on stage? How about around the house?

What, is the jay more precious than the lark

Because his feathers are more beautiful?

Who is a better drummer Ricki Rocket or a sock puppet?

None better than to let him fetch off his drum, which you hear him so confidently undertake to do.

How did your band end up with the starring role in 2 Fast 2 Furious? And what did you do to make Bill O’Reilly so angry?

Can he be angry? I have seen the cannon,

When it hath blown his ranks into the air,

And, like the devil, from his very arm

Puff’d his own brother:—and can he be angry?

Something of moment then: I will go meet him:

There’s matter in’t indeed, if he be angry.

Did Mitt Romney get your permission to use “This Party Sucks” before campaign speeches or did he do that without asking?

O, he is as tedious

As a tired horse, a railing wife;

Worse than a smoky house: I had rather live

With cheese and garlic in a windmill, far,

Than feed on cates and have him talk to me

In any summer-house in Christendom.

That time you toured with so and so. What was that like?

Set you down this;

And say besides, that in Aleppo once,

Where a malignant and a turban’d Turk

Beat a Venetian and traduced the state,

I took by the throat the circumcised dog,

And smote him, thus.


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An unInterview With Johnny Gorilla of Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell; Babies Should Be Eaten, Not Heard


I learned a few things while interviewing Johnny Gorilla from Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell.  First of all, Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell is named after a famed Naval Officer.  Secondly, a Naval Officer is not stationed in a persons bellybutton.  Nor in an orange.  Also, even though a person’s last name is Gorilla, that doesn’t mean he is actually somehow related to the animal.  It might simply mean his parents are named that.

Johnny and I were locked in a mason jar on Funk and Wagnell’s porch (six people on earth just laughed, three checked wikipedia, the rest simply moved on assuming it was yet another in a series of unending, culturally obscure references that plague this site).

Both of us were miniaturized by Taiwanese scientists.  50 tiny tarantullas were placed in the jar with us.  At the end of the interview, we both were bitten and died in each others arms.  Like brothers in a bad Civil War movie.

Why was Stacy Keach kicked out of the band? Was it an amicable split or did you pay mobsters to kidnap his children?

Why all these bedwetters are moaning about Ginger Baker?


If an Earwig is brown, then surely it’s only right that Turtles make Lemon Pies.

Why is music?

The next time I go out, I’m gonna go to the chemist, and then pick up some of those little ‘pillows’ full of washing liquid to pop in the washing machine. I never did like marzipan.



What’s the difference between Napoleon and Nelson?? Nelson held his had like this, and Napoleon held his hand like that.’

In order to be ironic, do you plan on playing any concerts on the Isle of Scilly?

Scilly question.

I like what you did there.  Do you think I look good in sweaters?

I once lent an old man a tissue. He grabbed more than he groped and at once I could see a wonderful human being with a lassoo for us all.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading?

It’s often said that Billy (Bill Darlington) is one of the best drummers in the world, and I tend to agree with him.

A guy once told me sherbet is made out of donkey bones. I thought he might be kidding, but then, gelatin is made out of the hooves of horses. Do you think he was being truthful with me?

There has been a lot in the news lately about rockinghorses being the main cause of shoplifting in Guatemala.

Somebody once told me that rain is just the tears of God because of all the sinning we do. I have a dog speech?

Did you hear about the baker who had brown hands? No, me neither.

Aren’t raisins stupid? Especially the tiny boxes?

It’s about time someone did something about floorboards. Silly creepy things that crawl up your trouser leg and bite you while your watching VH1. Or is that rainbows??

I hate the word “trousers”.  Especially when people say “trouser leg”.  I’ve felt this way for a very long time.

Former Houston Oilers Wide Receiver Yancey Thigpen Almost 20 Years Before The Band Formed

Former Houston Oilers Wide Receiver Yancey Thigpen Almost 20 Years Before The Band Formed

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An UnInterview with Josh Elmore From Cattle Decapitation; I Bought My Kidneys At Costco

This Is Josh Elmore.  He is in Cattle Decapitation.  His is wearing a green jacket.

This Is Josh Elmore. He is in Cattle Decapitation. He is wearing a green jacket.

As General Douglas McArthur said only moments after the Battle of Norway at the end of World War 7, “why interview someone when you can ask them questions that they are asked to ignore and answer anyway they want?” I fully subscribe to this philosophy and have tattooed these words on my inner thigh along with a picture of Bob The Builder wearing a Slayer shirt.

Cattle Decapitation is a band and Josh Elmore is in it. He agreed to be unInterviewed only if I promised not to mention him by name or say what band he is in. He claims to play guitar in the band in spite of that fact that I insisted that he played saxophone for Spiro Gyra. I met him to discuss the band and his time as a professional male model in Botswana in the 1920s outside of a Starbucks coffee that he had set fire to only minutes earlier. The last few questions were asked as we were hiding from the police and several walruses under a canoe in the back of an elderly person’s house.  

There are 34 different breeds of bunnies.  One is called the dwarf bunny.  It fits in the palm of your hand.

1.  I have heard Cattle Decapitation has the lowest prices. How would someone join?

Fans can wait about a year from now to be entertained by Cattle and the Decapitations fresh new “effort” which the band is apparently half way through writing at present. Expect less blatant late-90’s JL America roster rip-off artistry and more straight up Mordred worship.

2. My uncle has cholera?

It’s a seemingly odd but consistently observable trait that certain males like to project a tough guy image, yet always have at least one element to their persona that is a bit dandy. Maybe it’s some genius strategy to put off potential rival males vying for power, a mate or status. When you’re getting beaten up by some guy from Connecticut who’s wearing an Orlando Magic jersey, copious amounts of Dep and a Defiler flat-brim, it is hard to not laugh when all you can picture is them telling their mom that they’re just taking this one semester off or that they don’t know anyone who “does coke.”

3. If?

I’ve become more convinced that people who label themselves as Libertarian are just living in the stage of suspended animation between youthful liberalism and fully embracing their parent’s reactionary small-business conservatism. There’s a totally different generational mindset, y’know? I have lots of black friends.

4.  How is a thing made round?

Do you think Ron Rinehart eventually hooked up with that blonde chick he was macking on during the Ultimate Revenge 2 show? I think she might’ve just been being nice.

5.  My back hurts when I lift heavy objects?

There is no middle ground with metal dudes. Either they are simultaneously working on 10 different musical projects while pursuing their doctorate in existential philosophy or they’re looking to celebrate their promotion to shift manager at Auto Zone by downing some beers and cranking some METAL. At least that’s what Facebook told me.

6.  If one day you found yourself trapped in cellar in Des Moines, Iowa with only a crowbar and a copy of Time magazine from 1947, what album would you listen to?

Ever notice how “the Midwest” is the new “the South?” Apparently the newly defined geographical location of said “Midwest” is anywhere east of Vegas and west of Philly. Talk to any 22-year old from Orange County for more than 5 minutes and they’ll be sure to mention that they’ve been to Bhutan 6 times but never east of Phoenix, cuz like, why? LOL

7.  Do you have? If so, why?

The Internet has been the death of finding stashed pornography in a ditch or at the forest preserve. This rite of teen male passage is now extinct. It makes me want to slug Al Gore in the feedbag.

8.  The Middle East?

Have you ever had camel’s milk? All I could compare the flavor to is a combination of that burnt pasta smell/taste and the odor of grandma’s recliner.

9.  Sometimes, when I’m alone, I stare at a picture my grandmother painted back in 1963. I’m pretty sure there is another painting underneath, because it looks like there are additional arms coming out of the body. But, sometimes I wonder if she INTENDED it to look like. Almost like some sort of optical illusion. Like Escher, but not as detailed. Honestly though, that’s quite inconsistent with her style as an artist. But then, Picasso went through many phases as an artist. Maybe this was just some sort of experimental thing she did one time, but never repeated.   Are you wearing pants?

If you are as sick of dealing with ill-disciplined stump-broke calves as I am, it would be wise to appeal to the animals’ more base appetites in order to modify and eventually squelch the defiant behavior. Swirl your finger in about a tablespoon of blackstrap molasses and then let the calf satisfy itself with the viscous treacle. You will have a domestic beast that is now all too willing to pursue your task regimen (both in the field and repertory) in hopes of a sweet reward.


10.  If you had to tour with one band on the planet, would Gandhi still be alive today? If so, would he look like Eli Wallach? If not, will you recognize the People’s Republic of China?

(Editors Note:  At this point, Josh provided a link to a video as a way of not answering this question.  If you click here, you will see it.  If you don’t click on that last sentence you won’t.  You will be missing out and will be racked with guilt and emptiness for the rest of your natural life)

11.  Satan? If so, Gary Coleman? If not, elephants have babies, why can’t plants?

It is time to put a stop to this lemon in the water trend at restaurants. Did I ask for that? No? Then get that disgusting thing out of my water. People have said; “they’ve always done that.” LIES. In my nearly 4 decades of existence I cannot remember any time except the past couple years that lemon is in everything. Do I throw a carrot in your Dr. Pepper? NOPE. I don’t want to smell that citrus reek on your fingers or stinking up the break room at work. The next person I hear say “but it’s so refreshing” is getting a roll of quarters to the jaw.

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