Posts Tagged People
An unInterview With Johnny Gorilla of Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell; Babies Should Be Eaten, Not Heard
Posted by Keith Spillett in People Who Were Willing To Speak To Me on May 23, 2014
I learned a few things while interviewing Johnny Gorilla from Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell. First of all, Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell is named after a famed Naval Officer. Secondly, a Naval Officer is not stationed in a persons bellybutton. Nor in an orange. Also, even though a person’s last name is Gorilla, that doesn’t mean he is actually somehow related to the animal. It might simply mean his parents are named that.
Johnny and I were locked in a mason jar on Funk and Wagnell’s porch (six people on earth just laughed, three checked wikipedia, the rest simply moved on assuming it was yet another in a series of unending, culturally obscure references that plague this site).
Both of us were miniaturized by Taiwanese scientists. 50 tiny tarantullas were placed in the jar with us. At the end of the interview, we both were bitten and died in each others arms. Like brothers in a bad Civil War movie.
Why was Stacy Keach kicked out of the band? Was it an amicable split or did you pay mobsters to kidnap his children?
Why all these bedwetters are moaning about Ginger Baker?
Soup?
If an Earwig is brown, then surely it’s only right that Turtles make Lemon Pies.
Why is music?
The next time I go out, I’m gonna go to the chemist, and then pick up some of those little ‘pillows’ full of washing liquid to pop in the washing machine. I never did like marzipan.
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What’s the difference between Napoleon and Nelson?? Nelson held his had like this, and Napoleon held his hand like that.’
In order to be ironic, do you plan on playing any concerts on the Isle of Scilly?
Scilly question.
I like what you did there. Do you think I look good in sweaters?
I once lent an old man a tissue. He grabbed more than he groped and at once I could see a wonderful human being with a lassoo for us all.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading?
It’s often said that Billy (Bill Darlington) is one of the best drummers in the world, and I tend to agree with him.
A guy once told me sherbet is made out of donkey bones. I thought he might be kidding, but then, gelatin is made out of the hooves of horses. Do you think he was being truthful with me?
There has been a lot in the news lately about rockinghorses being the main cause of shoplifting in Guatemala.
Somebody once told me that rain is just the tears of God because of all the sinning we do. I have a dog speech?
Did you hear about the baker who had brown hands? No, me neither.
Aren’t raisins stupid? Especially the tiny boxes?
It’s about time someone did something about floorboards. Silly creepy things that crawl up your trouser leg and bite you while your watching VH1. Or is that rainbows??
I hate the word “trousers”. Especially when people say “trouser leg”. I’ve felt this way for a very long time.
Former Houston Oilers Wide Receiver Yancey Thigpen Almost 20 Years Before The Band Formed
Watching The Defective
Posted by Keith Spillett in Existential Rambings, Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff, The Politics Of Catastrophe on August 1, 2011
The following conversation took place recently in a mental hospital on the planet Klorg located in the Rumach Galaxy 20,000,000 west of Arcturus. The patient, Wsghk Z Weryhi, was locked in a padded cell and sedated for his own safety approximately one week ago. His family brought him in claiming that he disappeared for a day and reemerged exhibiting signs of severe dementia. We now join an interview between himself and the esteemed Doctor zZefgh W KorgabS already in progress.
(Editors note: The conversation was conducted in KlorgeanRW, a dialect common in the Southern Provinces of Klorg. The language and concepts have been adapted so that it can be understood by the primarily English speaking audience of The Tyranny of Tradition)
Dr. KorgabS: So, I want to go back to what you were saying earlier, about this America you claimed to have visited…
Weryhi: Doctor, I am sure that I was there. I snuck into the interstellar dock at the community center and set it for random coordinates. It took me to America.
Dr. KorgabS: Okay, so, let’s talk about this America. I want to make sure I understand what you are telling me. Please describe this whole, what did they call it, (consulting his notes)…ah yes, this “free market” idea that many of these Americans believe.
Weryhi: Sure….some of them believe that this system of economics that they have, they call it capitalism, is essentially perfect. They think that if they all do as they wish and accumulate as many resources as they can, everything will work out for the best for those that make what they like to call “good decisions”. Basically, some of them actually believe that selfishness is a good quality that is the best thing for the community.
Dr. KorgabS: (with a perplexed look on his face) Okay….now Wsghk, you can understand why I’d think this sounds a bit odd, right?
Weryhi: Believe me, I had the same response. One of them told me about this fellow named Adam Smith who said an “invisible hand” runs things and allows people acting only in their best interest to be protected. The invisible hand makes everything work out. Or, that’s what the fellow in the bowtie told me.
Dr. KorgabS: An…invisible hand???
Weryhi: Yes.
Dr. KorgabS looks down at his information tablets trying not to look concerned and moves on to the next subject
Dr. KorgabS: And….this democracy idea that most of them talk about.
Weryhi: Yes! It was a fascinating thing. From time to time they actually pick the people who make the most important decisions. It sounds like a great idea, but what they do with it is bizarre. Once they’ve picked these “politicians”, many of these people turn around and blame them for everything that goes wrong in their lives. Even though they were the ones who picked them in the first place! Then, if the politicians do what they want them to, they pick them again and start blaming them the minute these folks are elected. It’s amazing! They seem to take no responsibility for the choices they make!
Dr. KorgabS: Yes, you seem to talk a lot about how they blame each other.
Weryhi: One of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. One very small section of the population controls most of the resources. Most of them struggle while a few of them have more than they need. Yet, many of the Americans blame those who have very little of the resources for making “bad decisions” and ruining things for the group. Every once in a while, a few of the people with a lot of resources blame other people with a lot of resources, but they don’t really try to change anything.
Dr. KorgabS: Do these Americans blame any one else?
Weryhi: They blame EVERYONE! That’s all they do. They blame people who don’t live in America. They blame people who come to America. They blame people who have new ideas. They blame people who don’t do what they want them to. They have entire television channels dedicated to blame.
Dr. KorgabS: Fascinating. Is anyone ever above blame?
Weryhi: Well, they like to make up stories about these people they call The Founding Fathers. Apparently, they understood everything and rarely had bad ideas. The funny part is they use these made up stories to justify all sorts of bizarre actions. These people seem to have almost limitless imaginations!
Dr. KorgabS: This is truly amazing.
Weryhi: Isn’t it. Some of them believe that this invisible all powerful being, that they have a bunch of different names for, controls everything and tells them what to do.
Dr. KorgabS: (incredulous) An invisible, all-powerful being that…tells them what to do? Sounds like that invisible hand thing.
Weryhi: Yes!!!! This invisible being idea is so strange. If things go well for them, they say he did it. When things are going badly, many of them don’t change anything about their lives, they just close their eyes and pretend to talk to this being. Apparently, they think this invisible being has some great plan that they are all a part of. If they disobey the voice in their head, they fear that after they die they will be set on fire for the rest of time.
Dr. KorgabS: Simply amazing. And many of them believe all of this?
Weryhi: Here’s the weirdest part….not only do they believe it, they are proud of it. Incredibly proud of all of these strange ideas. They wave flags and have parades to celebrate them. Without a trace of irony, these people act as if they have found the greatest set of ideas ever created. They are so impressed with these ideas they are willing to go to war and commit querby so that people will act more like them. (editors note: there is no English equivalent to the word querby. It means something like killing or harming based entirely on a delusion. It is the worst possible act in Klorgian society. No one there has committed querby in the past 20 years)
Dr. KorgabS: They commit QUERBY and are proud of it!!!! I simply cannot believe that.
Weryhi: If I hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t either.
Dr. KorgabS: (standing up and leaving the room) You understand that this sounds pretty far fetched?
Weryhi: I know, I know. But I saw it with my own three eyes.
Dr. KorgabS: We will be in to check on you and talk more later. Until then, try not to think about that place.
Weryhi: I’ll try, Doctor. Thanks for listening.
20 minutes later in Doctor KorgabS office. KorgabS sits at a desk discussing the interview with his colleague and friend Doctor QwB
Dr. KorgabS: He seemed so convinced. The details are incredible. I have never worked with a patient with such detailed delusions.
Dr. QwB: It all sounds so crazy. I mean, the part about the interstellar space travel is quite possible, but this America he described sounds ridiculous. Does he know it can’t possibly be real?
Dr. KorgabS: No, I don’t think he does. It’s so sad. I’ve never met a sicker being in my entire life.
The Tyranny of Tradition 