An unInterview With Johnny Gorilla of Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell; Babies Should Be Eaten, Not Heard


I learned a few things while interviewing Johnny Gorilla from Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell.  First of all, Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell is named after a famed Naval Officer.  Secondly, a Naval Officer is not stationed in a persons bellybutton.  Nor in an orange.  Also, even though a person’s last name is Gorilla, that doesn’t mean he is actually somehow related to the animal.  It might simply mean his parents are named that.

Johnny and I were locked in a mason jar on Funk and Wagnell’s porch (six people on earth just laughed, three checked wikipedia, the rest simply moved on assuming it was yet another in a series of unending, culturally obscure references that plague this site).

Both of us were miniaturized by Taiwanese scientists.  50 tiny tarantullas were placed in the jar with us.  At the end of the interview, we both were bitten and died in each others arms.  Like brothers in a bad Civil War movie.

Why was Stacy Keach kicked out of the band? Was it an amicable split or did you pay mobsters to kidnap his children?

Why all these bedwetters are moaning about Ginger Baker?


If an Earwig is brown, then surely it’s only right that Turtles make Lemon Pies.

Why is music?

The next time I go out, I’m gonna go to the chemist, and then pick up some of those little ‘pillows’ full of washing liquid to pop in the washing machine. I never did like marzipan.



What’s the difference between Napoleon and Nelson?? Nelson held his had like this, and Napoleon held his hand like that.’

In order to be ironic, do you plan on playing any concerts on the Isle of Scilly?

Scilly question.

I like what you did there.  Do you think I look good in sweaters?

I once lent an old man a tissue. He grabbed more than he groped and at once I could see a wonderful human being with a lassoo for us all.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading?

It’s often said that Billy (Bill Darlington) is one of the best drummers in the world, and I tend to agree with him.

A guy once told me sherbet is made out of donkey bones. I thought he might be kidding, but then, gelatin is made out of the hooves of horses. Do you think he was being truthful with me?

There has been a lot in the news lately about rockinghorses being the main cause of shoplifting in Guatemala.

Somebody once told me that rain is just the tears of God because of all the sinning we do. I have a dog speech?

Did you hear about the baker who had brown hands? No, me neither.

Aren’t raisins stupid? Especially the tiny boxes?

It’s about time someone did something about floorboards. Silly creepy things that crawl up your trouser leg and bite you while your watching VH1. Or is that rainbows??

I hate the word “trousers”.  Especially when people say “trouser leg”.  I’ve felt this way for a very long time.

Former Houston Oilers Wide Receiver Yancey Thigpen Almost 20 Years Before The Band Formed

Former Houston Oilers Wide Receiver Yancey Thigpen Almost 20 Years Before The Band Formed

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  1. #1 by Dave on May 23, 2014 - 1:18 PM

    I eated this. It tasted turquois;

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on May 23, 2014 - 1:35 PM


      • #3 by Dave on May 23, 2014 - 4:58 PM

        A classic unsigned metal top hit of the ’90s, for sure. Who was that? Squirrels from Hell?

        Jason Bateman is a fine chef. Bowling alley.

      • #4 by Keith Spillett on May 23, 2014 - 5:05 PM

        Ha! Squirrels From Hell!!!!!

        It’s not Spiders and Pigs or Fatalator. I gotta remember this or it’ll kill me.


      • #5 by Dave on May 23, 2014 - 5:11 PM

        Maybe it’s the Noise Boyz.

      • #6 by Keith Spillett on May 23, 2014 - 5:17 PM

        HHAAAA!!! Didn’t they open for The Bagel Boys once?

      • #7 by Dave on May 23, 2014 - 5:24 PM

        Yeah, and October Country was the headliner. These stream of conscious references could go on all day…

      • #8 by Keith Spillett on May 23, 2014 - 5:46 PM

        We need to stay at a hotel and wake up at 4 AM and try to reenact the entire first episode of Jack Hammer and The Morning Construction Crew. We’ll even get Jerzon!

      • #9 by Dave on May 23, 2014 - 5:51 PM

        Jerzon is probably a huge TV star in Honduras right now.

        “Domingo, para todos!”

      • #10 by Keith Spillett on May 23, 2014 - 6:25 PM

        He’s the next Letterman.

  2. #11 by goldfish on May 23, 2014 - 3:17 PM

    These unInterviews might be my new favorite thing ever. Does anyone like marzipan?

    • #12 by Keith Spillett on May 23, 2014 - 3:21 PM

      Thanks! I like them too. I’m going to do a bunch now that I have conquered much of my fear of communicating directly with other humans.

      I’ve never even had the stuff. I’ve read about it in Rudyard Kipling books mostly.

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