Members of Necrophagist Found Alive in Cleveland; New Record Planned For 2057


Over the past nine years, one of the great mysteries in heavy metal has been the strange and abrupt disappearance of German tech-death pioneers Necrophagist.  In 2004, they released the remarkably complex album “Epitaph” to universal acclaim. Then, at the height of their popularity, they disappeared.  There were random, unconfirmed sightings of them at concerts and even a band that claimed to be them who performed several shows in Europe in the late 2000s, but the earth had seemingly swallowed up the real Necrophagist.

This morning, the mystery was solved.  After hearing noises that resembled 64th notes, neighbor Charles Espejismo burst into the house next door and freed the band from their nine year captivity in the basement of a house on Euclid Avenue in downtown Cleveland.   According to Espejismo, he was walking back from McDonald’s, eating a Filet of Fish sandwich when he heard noises that “resembled some of that crazy stuff that was on Gorod’s last two records.”

Concerned that a technical death metal band could have been kidnapped and held hostage in the basement of his neighbor’s house, he burst through the front door and freed Muhammad Suicmez and the rest of the band members from the dungeon that had been constructed in the basement.  Suicmez had been bound, gagged and forced to play arpeggios for weeks on end with no food or water.

This is not the first violent, metal related attack in Cleveland, a city where musicians who employ progressive songwriting techniques are regularly beaten and maimed and hordes of torch-carrying, flesh-eating anti-tech death gangs control the streets at night.  The Cryptopsy Cryps made news back in 2008 when they ritualistically devoured the several members of Dutch metal legends Pestilence after a show at the Agora Ballroom.  The sole survivor of the attack, Pestilence vocalist Patrick Mameli, recalls that the Crips were eating members of the band and howling about how “irregular time signatures and fusion jazz have no place in metal.”  Mameli hid in his guitar case for three days before Cleveland police rescued him.

Now that Necrophagist is free, they are hard at work on a new record.  They plan to spend the next five years tuning their instruments in order to ready themselves to begin the long, arduous process of songwriting.  After that, they have secured ten years worth of studio time in order to allow Suicmez to work on the solo for the first song.  Finally, the band will start recording, a process that should take upwards of 25 years.  The band has assured its fans that they will have something out by 2057 or 2132 at the absolute latest.

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on May 9, 2013 - 11:30 AM

    They are gonna title the album “Dead Giveaway”, amirite??

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on May 9, 2013 - 11:56 AM

      English won’t be a language anymore by the time the new record comes out.

  2. #3 by Goreguts on May 9, 2013 - 2:08 PM

    “Suicmez had been bound, gagged and forced to play arpeggios for weeks on end with no food or water.”

    You can’t even last one week without water.

    • #4 by Hurgdurgle on May 9, 2013 - 2:29 PM

      Arpeggios are enough nutrition for the starving tech-death guitarist

      • #5 by Dave on May 9, 2013 - 5:32 PM


      • #6 by Dave on May 9, 2013 - 5:35 PM

        Sorry, replied to wrong comment

    • #7 by Necropsy on May 9, 2013 - 3:38 PM

      I bet you’re fun at parties

    • #8 by Matt on May 9, 2013 - 3:40 PM


    • #9 by Dave on May 9, 2013 - 5:33 PM


    • #10 by ThatDanmGuy on May 9, 2013 - 6:34 PM

      Maybe YOU can’t.

    • #11 by Emil on May 11, 2013 - 5:50 PM

      Exactly, YOU or any other human can’t.
      Suicmez is no human.

    • #12 by satan on July 25, 2013 - 8:36 AM

      False my grandmother laid in a coma for 3 weeks with no food or water before she died

      • #13 by Keith Spillett on July 25, 2013 - 7:00 PM

        They didn’t make her play arpeggios or anything, right? You’d have a pretty good lawsuit in that case.

    • #14 by Henbug on July 25, 2013 - 10:42 AM

      This text is really serious!! 🙂

    • #15 by nick on November 12, 2013 - 11:41 AM

      I see nothing gets past you, you’re very astute.

  3. #16 by John Erickson on May 9, 2013 - 4:52 PM

    You sure it was Cleveland? The wife and I were driving past an Amish farm, and heard some strange, semi-musical sounds coming from the barn. The father told us he had found an iPod in his daughter’s room and was running it through their thresher, but i could’ve swore I heard a little feedback coming from the horse harnesses….

  4. #17 by Uz "December Soul" T on May 9, 2013 - 5:16 PM

    the other explanation is that Suicmez is a actually a 100 years old vampire, and in vampire years 10 years are like yesterday, meaning this torturous wait is just the start!
    seriously now the guy is so freaki’ lazy I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d turn into a an actual sloth. a guitar playin’ sloth with useless fingers, that’s his punishment!!

  5. #18 by mirkinfirkin on May 9, 2013 - 10:06 PM

    Was there a gammadion, ‪borjgali‬ or fylfot anywhere in the room in which there were imprisoned? If so, the presence of such objects may explain their survival.

  6. #20 by Edward A. on May 26, 2013 - 7:40 AM

    It’s gotten to the stage where if someone could at least confirm that Muhammed is still alive, that would be relatively good progress…

  7. #21 by afullmetalseo2013 on May 27, 2013 - 6:56 AM

    I bet you’re fun at parties

    • #22 by Keith Spillett on May 27, 2013 - 7:09 AM

      Actually, I’m a complete agoraphobe. I try to avoid places where there are more than two people and bathe in Lysol on an hourly basis to avoid contamination.

    • #23 by ziggs on July 25, 2013 - 8:41 AM

      I bet you like to use overused lines

  8. #24 by Akos Fazekas on July 25, 2013 - 12:37 PM

    Haha…Great and realistic writing!!!!! Best regards; Akos Fazekas

    • #25 by Keith Spillett on July 25, 2013 - 6:59 PM

      Thanks! Realism is a major goal we strive towards here at Tyranny.

  9. #26 by Andrew on July 25, 2013 - 2:48 PM

    This is one of the funnier things that I’ve read lately. Patrick Mameli hiding in his case is great!
    10 years of studio time for the first solo…Man, I would LOVE to hear a solo that took 10 years to create!

    • #27 by Keith Spillett on July 25, 2013 - 6:58 PM

      You think you would…but I dunno. There is only so much you can do with a 227 string guitar.

  1. Necrophagist - Pagina 22

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: