Posts Tagged cannibalism
Members of Necrophagist Found Alive in Cleveland; New Record Planned For 2057
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 9, 2013
Over the past nine years, one of the great mysteries in heavy metal has been the strange and abrupt disappearance of German tech-death pioneers Necrophagist. In 2004, they released the remarkably complex album “Epitaph” to universal acclaim. Then, at the height of their popularity, they disappeared. There were random, unconfirmed sightings of them at concerts and even a band that claimed to be them who performed several shows in Europe in the late 2000s, but the earth had seemingly swallowed up the real Necrophagist.
This morning, the mystery was solved. After hearing noises that resembled 64th notes, neighbor Charles Espejismo burst into the house next door and freed the band from their nine year captivity in the basement of a house on Euclid Avenue in downtown Cleveland. According to Espejismo, he was walking back from McDonald’s, eating a Filet of Fish sandwich when he heard noises that “resembled some of that crazy stuff that was on Gorod’s last two records.”
Concerned that a technical death metal band could have been kidnapped and held hostage in the basement of his neighbor’s house, he burst through the front door and freed Muhammad Suicmez and the rest of the band members from the dungeon that had been constructed in the basement. Suicmez had been bound, gagged and forced to play arpeggios for weeks on end with no food or water.
This is not the first violent, metal related attack in Cleveland, a city where musicians who employ progressive songwriting techniques are regularly beaten and maimed and hordes of torch-carrying, flesh-eating anti-tech death gangs control the streets at night. The Cryptopsy Cryps made news back in 2008 when they ritualistically devoured the several members of Dutch metal legends Pestilence after a show at the Agora Ballroom. The sole survivor of the attack, Pestilence vocalist Patrick Mameli, recalls that the Crips were eating members of the band and howling about how “irregular time signatures and fusion jazz have no place in metal.” Mameli hid in his guitar case for three days before Cleveland police rescued him.
Now that Necrophagist is free, they are hard at work on a new record. They plan to spend the next five years tuning their instruments in order to ready themselves to begin the long, arduous process of songwriting. After that, they have secured ten years worth of studio time in order to allow Suicmez to work on the solo for the first song. Finally, the band will start recording, a process that should take upwards of 25 years. The band has assured its fans that they will have something out by 2057 or 2132 at the absolute latest.
Members of Morbid Angel Eat Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young in Bizarre Promotional Stunt
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on August 6, 2011
CSNY Only Moments Before Being Ingested By Morbid Angel
In an attempt to revive sluggish sales of their new record, Ilud Divinum Insanus, Florida death metal band Morbid Angel ate all four members of 60’s pop supergroup Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young in a paganistic blood ceremony last night in Des Moines, Iowa. While the move was thought by many to be too extreme, Morbid Angel felt that they owed this to their fans. According to Vincent, “Several of our legion of metal warriors were disappointed by the latest release. We wanted to reach out and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that we are still committed to the values that once made us great. In eating these aging rock legends, we sent a message that Morbid Angel is back.”
Apparently, the band had been hunting Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young for over a month. After several near misses, they finally captured them backstage at the Iowa Peace and Freedom Festival after a beautiful encore of “Teach Your Children”. Initially, the band had only considered eating David Crosby, but the opportunity to devour the entire group proved to be tempting to resist. Morbid Angel was particularly lucky to have consumed the band in the State of Iowa, one of three remaining American states that have not outlawed cannibalism. “Every once an a while the good lord hands you a golden opportunity,” said guitarist Trey Azagthoth, “we knew it was the right thing to do.”
The eating of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young follows a recent trend of gormandizing grizzled rock veterans. Earlier in the month, Deicide singer and all around nice guy Glenn Benton ate the leg of Scottish singer songwriter Donovan during a spirited version of “Hurdy-Gurdy Man”. Country Joe McDonald, of Country Joe and the Fish fame, survived an attack of bloodthirsty members of the band Malevolent Creation by hiding all night in an abandoned farmhouse waiting for police. Clearly, Morbid Angel’s devouring of an entire band was meant to up the ante and bring death metal to the next level.
Since last night’s attack, Morbid Angel has received nearly 10,000 rambling letters of support. One letter was nearly 800 pages long with nothing but the phrase “Mormo loves me, Mormo loves us” scrawled again and again in red finger paint. Vincent claims he has been asked by several fans for his recipe. “Young was quite dry. It was important to add a good deal of cumin and sherry to overcome the taste of years of whiskey and bad living. The rest of the group required very little seasoning. Graham Nash was particularly delicious!”
As of now, Morbid Angel has no plans to eat any other celebrities, although with the declining economy, many Americans are expected to resort to cannibalism as grocery store shelves become emptier by the day. Morbid Angel’s record label, Seasons of Mist has already begun to capitalize on yesterday’s events by selling tee-shirts with “Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young” crossed out and replaced by “Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, and Dinner”. Rumors have circulated that a Morbid Angel human cookbook called “Morbid Angel Cooks With The Stars” may be available in time for Christmas.
The Tyranny of Tradition 