Posts Tagged Trey Azagthoth

Mike Browning Rejoins Morbid Angel, Announces Split With Band

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Former Morbid Angel drummer and vocalist Mike Browning has rejoined and since left Morbid Angel, according to a press release earlier today. Browning’s lasting contribution to the death metal group was his appearance on the band’s shelved first album, Abominations of Desolation, which was subsequently released after Altars of Madness.

“It was really great to be back in the fold for 10 hours,” stated the drummer, “but it was clear that financial and creative differences were untenable, and I cannot participate in Morbid Angel any longer.”

In a dispatch from the Morbid Angel camp, Trey Azagthoth said, “We really appreciate Mike’s efforts in the band, and we hope that he finds success in his future endeavors.”

At press time, former drummer Wayne Hartsell was spotted heading into Morbid Angel’s studio for an audition.

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Trey Azagthoth Parts Ways With Morbid Angel

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Founding guitarist Trey Azagthoth announced today that he is parting ways with death metal titans Morbid Angel. The news follows in the wake of the dissolution of the current lineup, with bassist/vocalist David Vincent, drummer Tim Yeung, and guitarist Destructhor all dismissed by Azagthoth. Now the only continuous member in Morbid Angel’s nearly 30-year run plans to depart as well.

“The situation in the band has become untenable, with musical and financial considerations remaining unresolved. I can no longer commit to participating and performing in this fashion,” stated Trey, “I wish [returning bassist/vocalist] Steve Tucker the best with Morbid Angel, and I am looking forward to new endeavors of my own.”

At press time, sole remaining member Steve Tucker is sitting in front of his computer with a stunned expression and his mouth hanging open.

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Trey Azagthoth Now Identifies As A Brony

1483654_616743195033469_530345388_nMorbid Angel guitarist Trey Azagthoth has revealed himself as a brony, according to a recent interview in Revolver. When queried about his colorful new tattoos, the eccentric axeman replied, “I’ve been into Sailor Moon, Pokemon, and all kinds of anime for years, but this new My Little Pony series is the greatest thing ever. I’m totally a brony now, and proud of it!”

A brony is an adult male who has a visible preoccupation with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, an animated show intended for girls ages 3-8. Azagthoth has recently appeared on stage with visible tattoos themed around the show, along with related t-shirts, pendants, and stickers on his guitars. “I’m definitely a Rainbow Dash guy,” he enthused, “but Fluttershy is a close second. I plan to cover both my arms with the two of them, so I’m glad I got rid of that silly inverted cross tattoo when I did!”

Azagthoth went on to explain how he plans to color coordinate his guitars with his favorite ponies, and he intimated that fans shouldn’t be surprised if pony-related themes appear on the next Morbid Angel record. The most eyebrow-raising revelation, however, was his plan to change his famous stage name.

“From now on, I’ll be known as Trey Azagclop,” he said, “but don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t actually do that. I watch the show for the plot.”

“Clopping” is a slang term among the brony community, which refers to abusing one’s self to the pony characters on the show. As for the expected response from his fan base, the newly-dubbed Azagclop seemed unworried.

“I really don’t think this will be a problem,” he mused, “Morbid Angel fans have always been open-minded. The last four albums are about nothing but Tony Robbins and Castlevania, and everyone seemed to be fine with it. David [Vincent, frontman of the band] is in full support of my choice, and I’ve even gotten him to watch the show with me a few times. I think he’s got a thing for Pinkie Pie, if you ask me.”

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Members of Morbid Angel Eat Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young in Bizarre Promotional Stunt

CSNY Only Moments Before Being Ingested By Morbid Angel

In an attempt to revive sluggish sales of their new record, Ilud Divinum Insanus, Florida death metal band Morbid Angel ate all four members of 60’s pop supergroup Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young in a paganistic blood ceremony last night in Des Moines, Iowa.  While the move was thought by many to be too extreme, Morbid Angel felt that they owed this to their fans.  According to Vincent, “Several of our legion of metal warriors were disappointed by the latest release.  We wanted to reach out and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that we are still committed to the values that once made us great.  In eating these aging rock legends, we sent a message that Morbid Angel is back.”

Apparently, the band had been hunting Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young for over a month. After several near misses, they finally captured them backstage at the Iowa Peace and Freedom Festival after a beautiful encore of “Teach Your Children”.  Initially, the band had only considered eating David Crosby, but the opportunity to devour the entire group proved to be tempting to resist. Morbid Angel was particularly lucky to have consumed the band in the State of Iowa, one of three remaining American states that have not outlawed cannibalism.  “Every once an a while the good lord hands you a golden opportunity,” said guitarist Trey Azagthoth, “we knew it was the right thing to do.”

The eating of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young follows a recent trend of gormandizing grizzled rock veterans.  Earlier in the month, Deicide singer and all around nice guy Glenn Benton ate the leg of Scottish singer songwriter Donovan during a spirited version of “Hurdy-Gurdy Man”.  Country Joe McDonald, of Country Joe and the Fish fame, survived an attack of bloodthirsty members of the band Malevolent Creation by hiding all night in an abandoned farmhouse waiting for police.  Clearly, Morbid Angel’s devouring of an entire band was meant to up the ante and bring death metal to the next level.

Since last night’s attack, Morbid Angel has received nearly 10,000 rambling letters of support.  One letter was nearly 800 pages long with nothing but the phrase “Mormo loves me, Mormo loves us” scrawled again and again in red finger paint.  Vincent claims he has been asked by several fans for his recipe.  “Young was quite dry.  It was important to add a good deal of cumin and sherry to overcome the taste of years of whiskey and bad living.  The rest of the group required very little seasoning.  Graham Nash was particularly delicious!”

As of now, Morbid Angel has no plans to eat any other celebrities, although with the declining economy, many Americans are expected to resort to cannibalism as grocery store shelves become emptier by the day.  Morbid Angel’s record label, Seasons of Mist has already begun to capitalize on yesterday’s events by selling tee-shirts with “Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young” crossed out and replaced by “Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, and Dinner”.  Rumors have circulated that a Morbid Angel human cookbook called “Morbid Angel Cooks With The Stars” may be available in time for Christmas.

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