Heavy Metal Television Listings in The Alternate Dimension of Blargh

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Every Sunday night between 5:15 and 5:17, thanks to a mixture of transcendental yoga, Nyquil and Shiatsu, my mind travels to a dimension similar to our own.  This parallel universe is known simply as Blargh.

Many of the details of The Blargh Dimension are similar.  For example, the San Francisco Giants have won two of the last four World Series there as well.  However, there are also some major differences.  For example, in Blargh, the Giants best pitcher is a 14-foot tall polar bear with 11 arms.

One of the most extreme differences between their world and ours is the role of heavy metal in their lives.  The average resident of Blargh listens to roughly 22 hours of heavy metal a day.  By the age of 11, all Blarghian children are tested on Venom and Slayer lyrics.  If they make even one mistake, they are fed to one of the thousands of giant lobsters that live in tunnels below the cities.

I have been trying to convince people of my travels for years.  However, the story is a bit far-fetched and proof is hard to come by.  However, this Sunday, I was able to rip out a page from the Blarghian TV Guide and smuggle it back.  Here is the evidence of the existence of this world, along with a good sampling of what the average Blarghian watches on network television (President-For-Life Agnew banned cable TV in the 1980s and, consequently, they only have three channels).

CBS

8:00-9:00            Marduk, She Wrote

Everyone’s favorite 276-year old detective Angela Lansbury teams up with Swedish metal blasphemers Marduk to solve mysteries and promote neo-fascism.

9:00-9:30              Jeff Walker, Texas Ranger

After leaving Carcass, metal legend Jeff Walker uses his extensive knowledge of human anatomy to fight crime and poor hygiene in Texas.

9:30-10:00              Touched By A Morbid Angel

A heartwarming show that features David Vincent giving fake messages from God to strangers and making them do really horrifying things to their loved ones.

10:00-11:00             The Dukes of Biohazard

Brothers Bo and Spyder Jonez speed around a post-apocalyptic Brooklyn in a car with a confederate flag painted on the roof while trying to avoid police officers and members of the Baseball Furies gang.

NBC

8:00-8:30                        Leave it To Believer

Jerry Mathers stars as an Kurt Bachman, an 8-year old musical prodigy who writes Christian death metal songs and gets into all sorts of mischief with his brother Wally.

8:30-9:00                        Powermad About You

An aging Minneapolis thrash band fall head over heels in love with Helen Hunt and attempt to marry her in violation of New York’s ban on polygamy.

9:00-10:00                        In Battle There is No LA Law

Seven-time Emmy winning actress Jo Bench and the members of Bolt Thrower star as hip Los Angeles attorneys who drive around in sports cars while dressing as characters from Warhammer.

10:00-11:00                        Falconer Crest

Lorenzo Llamas stars as a power metal vocalist who tries to wrestle control of a winery from Ronald Reagan’s ex-wife.

ABC

8:00-8:30                        All In The Manson Family

Marilyn Manson is a crusty but benign racist who argues incessantly with his leftist son-in-law and humiliates his “dingbat” wife.

8:30-9:00                        Newhartwork

A spin off of Jeff Walker, Texas Ranger.  Walker retires and opens a bed and breakfast in a Vermont that is visited by traveling grindcore bands and Elvis impersonators.

9:00-9:30                        Fantomas Island

Mike Patton, Dave Lombardo, Hervé Villechaize, and Ricardo Montalban are trapped on a magical island that is haunted by the ghost of Henry Mancini.

10:00-11:00                        Highway To Hell

Bon Scott stars as a demon attempting to force wayward souls to make bad life decisions and end up condemned to eternal suffering.  Michael Landon and the scuzzy looking guy who always wear the Oakland A’s hat co-star.

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  1. #1 by Jay Crider on June 5, 2013 - 12:00 PM

    loved this.

  2. #2 by Universe Number Five on June 5, 2013 - 12:09 PM

    Unholy heckfire!!!!

  3. #3 by Universe Number Five on June 5, 2013 - 12:31 PM

    The most notable thing on Monday nights is Helstarman (you know the story, Robert Hays and his son James Rivera are aliens trying to stay one step ahead of federal agents)

  4. #4 by mirkinfirkin on June 5, 2013 - 1:41 PM

    That elephant should know they charge up to double fare for large trunks on London buses!

  5. #5 by noisynoodle on June 5, 2013 - 5:51 PM

    If Herve cannot be revived for Fantomas Island I would think King Buzzo would be perfect as Tattoo!

  6. #6 by jhubner73 on June 5, 2013 - 8:02 PM

    I remember watching Fantomas Island as a teenager. The episode where Jim Martin comes to the island in search of Chuck Mosley was heartbreaking, and oddly erotic.

    • #7 by Keith Spillett on June 5, 2013 - 8:18 PM

      HA!!! This website has been around for a while and, amazingly, this is the first Chuck Mosley reference to date. I spent a good portion of my teen years making fun of that song “The Jungle”.

      • #8 by jhubner73 on June 5, 2013 - 8:30 PM

        There was plenty to make fun of. And no other Mosley mention? That…really doesn’t surprise me.

      • #9 by Keith Spillett on June 5, 2013 - 8:34 PM

        I am going to have to do a 5 part retrospective on Mosley’s contributions to my cluster headaches.

      • #10 by jhubner73 on June 5, 2013 - 8:35 PM

        I look forward to that retrospective.

  7. #11 by KL Hughes on June 13, 2013 - 6:31 AM

    I have one question: Which one of Ronald Reagan’s ex-wives?

    • #12 by Keith Spillett on June 13, 2013 - 6:39 AM

      Jane Wyman. I think that was his only divorce. I could be wrong about that, but I think it’s correct.

      Technically, Nancy is his ex-wife as well, but this is not how the term is most commonly used.

  8. #13 by Dave on June 17, 2013 - 5:38 PM

    This was priceless. I laughed the hardest when I read “Leave it to Believer”….until I saw the line about “the scuzzy guy who always wore an Oakland A’s hat”. By the way, I think he went by the name Mr. Edwards.

    • #14 by Keith Spillett on June 17, 2013 - 5:42 PM

      Victor French was his name in real life I think. This is all I remember!

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