Elderly Man In Makeup To Travel United States Screeching About His Grandmother

elderly king diamond

Get ready America! Starting in October, a man qualified to receive Social Security benefits will travel this great nation howling like a banshee into an inverted cross microphone. That’s right…He’s Back (and hopefully he won’t throw His out)!

He’ll be visiting mostly warm weather climates to avoid a difficult winter, all the while taking advantage of the large number of early bird special meals geared towards persons of his demographic. His mornings will be spent consuming free Econolodge continental breakfasts and soaking himself in a tub of ice in anticipation of having to do the same routine in front of yet another group of awestruck admirers that He wants nothing to do with.

Tickets will, no doubt, be remarkably expensive in order to help Him offset the constant stream of costly doctor visits and potions meant to prolong his time on this condemned, dying planet. Luckily, he’ll be able to dodge the stillness and eternal silence of the grave for a few more years, a fate only slightly more appealing than complete oblivion.

Satan will be the subject of many of the songs that he will mercilessly caterwaul his way through. As most people above the age of seven know, Satan is a quaint, antiquated idea meant to remind people that it is possible that an evil exists that is even more terrifying than our elected government officials.

Notes, once hit by this rock luminary, will be missed with increasing frequency as this once in a lifetime series of concert events painfully marches its way to its conclusion in Austin, Texas. He will once again prove, without a shadow of doubt, that castrato vocals sound much better coming out of the mouth of a pre-pubescent child than a man old enough to be his grandfather.

An eager group of die-hard fans will get the opportunity to drown themselves in an orgy of nostalgia and binge spending on overpriced merchandise, temporarily alleviating the horrifying realities of a world gone completely insane.

They will emerge the next day from a brutal hangover induced by ten-dollar cups of flat beer late to the unfulfilling brutality of their mindless, soul-sucking chosen professions. That is, if they happen to be among the lucky people whose jobs have not be shipped off to a country where it is possible to pay workers less than a dollar a day to produce items that will be consumed and quickly forgotten.

As the lives those able to attend these shows wind to a bitter, meaningless conclusion, they can rejoice in the fact that they participated in an event they can describe to young people who will humor them by feigning attention, all the while worrying whether they have received a new text message in the last twelve seconds.

A great time should be had by all.

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  1. #1 by mikey on July 13, 2014 - 2:22 PM

    heeeeeeeeeee nnnnnneeeeeeeeeeedddddddddddddssssssssss to come to michigannnnnnnnnnnnn

    • #2 by ... on February 16, 2015 - 10:35 PM

      YEEESSS!!!! SAINT ANDREWS!!!!!!!!!!!! HAIL SANTA!!!!!!!!!! MICHIGAN!!!!!!!!!!

  2. #3 by Dirk Diggler on July 13, 2014 - 2:25 PM

    I don’t know if you see that 9 if the 10 top touring bands you could have written this article about….Springsteen, Stones, Bon Jovi, Roger Waters, etc.
    What do you listen to and see live this crap that’s here today and gone tomorrow that The American music industry forces down people throat and then they are gone….flash in the pan, done store junk.
    Not a huge King Diamond fan but the old bands are the ones still selling out everywhere…look at Iron Maiden selling out arenas world wide…..they may be older put they are better then anything that has been offered in years….

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on July 13, 2014 - 2:35 PM

      If it makes you feel any better, just substitute the name of any of those bands you mentioned.

      Everything that happened a long time ago is better, or so I’m told. All Hail The Purity of The Past!!!

      • #5 by Kax on July 15, 2014 - 8:14 AM

        When I was a kid… the past was even better than the crappy past we have now. Or so I was told.

      • #6 by andy on July 15, 2014 - 4:47 PM

        Except for the fact that all of the above mentioned bands are still kicking arse and touring the world? Making millions of people happy?

      • #7 by Keith Spillett on July 15, 2014 - 5:30 PM

        If watching octogenarians prance around a stage in pleather in order to afford botox injections makes you happy, I’m all for it. I personally think it’s a bit fetishistic, but whatever gives the consumer joy is fine with me.

  3. #8 by Bo Bandy on July 13, 2014 - 6:33 PM

    I planned to be one of those chumps in Atlanta but the show is sold out. Maybe Grampa Diamond can add some extra shows for those of us who do not want to pay $80 apiece to ticket ‘parasi… ER, ” resellers’.

  4. #9 by Deborah Sabin on July 13, 2014 - 11:16 PM

    Im a big diehard fan and not matter what you say or do ill never back down…..Go phuck yourself!

  5. #11 by Fried Chicken And Metal on July 14, 2014 - 4:03 AM

    Oh… he’s one of Them… and by Them, I mean a prospective Floridian…

  6. #12 by jade on July 15, 2014 - 5:43 PM

    Ha!!! Then you my friend need to do your bloody research!
    King doesn’t drink that much cause the show the next day would suffer, plus he cares alot about his fans compared to most modern bands. King diamond is THE most nicest guy in the music industry and very nice to talk to, from everyday life to music.
    When you write rubbish like this it does make me laugh, to be able to sing falsetto like he can is amazing in its self, not many people can do it.
    King Diamond is the greatest guy ever, who doesn’t charge a group of lucky people to do a meet and greet with him. Do your fecking research and actually meet the guy. I’m sure he’d soon out you in place with your snooty remarks.

    • #13 by Keith Spillett on July 15, 2014 - 6:03 PM

      Well, research usually involves more than one point of view and it’s hard to quantify, for example, that he is “The Greatest Guy Ever”. However, I am glad you had a good experience with him. I will say that I’ve heard other stories that are different, but to me that’s irrelevant. If you catch one person on a bad night, they could be awful, on another they could be fantastic.

      If you read this article more closely, you might see that it’s not really about King Diamond, but rather a pattern of thinking that I find a part of the deadening of artistic creativity in our culture. Or you might not, I can’t always make the point perfectly.

      Anyway, I felt your argument was reasonable, considered and didn’t imply that I go do something unmentionable with a sheep, so I do appreciate your attempt at giving me another perspective.

      • #14 by dannyemills on July 17, 2014 - 7:40 AM

        Although I did hear that rumour about the sheep thing. No accounting for taste though. I did hear that the throngs of sheep clients were fully satisfied with their service though – I’ve done my research and the the trip advisor reviews are 98.6% positive. And as you said earlier – the consumer is always right. And consume they did, and gratefully! (according to the reviews)

    • #15 by The Uniballer on July 16, 2014 - 11:17 AM

      I have done my ‘research’ and I can tell you categorically NOWHERE, YES NOWHERE (not shouting, just mildly raised voice for emphasis) on WIKIPEDIA does it say ‘King Diamond is the greatest guy ever’. So ‘Ha!!’ to you.

      • #16 by Keith Spillett on July 16, 2014 - 4:11 PM

        If you can wait a few minutes, I’ll add it in.

  7. #17 by joe on July 15, 2014 - 5:49 PM

    I’m going to see the king in pittsburgh Meeeeeettttttttaaaaaaaallllll!

  8. #18 by po3vader on July 15, 2014 - 8:08 PM

    Hey Keith, I take it you’ve never really followed much about King Diamond have you? You haven’t seen any recent video footage of concerts he did last year, nor do you know much about his music. I get that, King isn’t for everyone, but if you’re going to insult a guy like you have, then maybe you should do some research about the person you are trying to insult.

    You have no clue what kind of person Kim is towards his fans. You make the comment that he doesn’t care about his fans, but the guys has spent hours upon hours on Skype talking to us, his fans about anything and everything we could think to ask him.

    You go on to say stuff about his voice can’t carry the same notes as in the past, but if you listen to the newer concerts posted all over youtube, you would see his voice is just as strong, if not stronger than ever before.

    I won’t get into the Satan debate with you. Not because I feel you’re right, but because of just how really ignorant and stupid you sound. It’s quite obvious you have no clue what his beliefs are about. All you do is probably listen to one or two tracks, maybe read the lyircs to a song or two and judge his whole career off that. You haven’t a clue what he’s about, or about anything he believes in, because your a bloated gasbag that likes nothing more than to hear the sound of his own voice.

    • #19 by Keith Spillett on July 16, 2014 - 1:29 AM

      I’ve listened to a ton of King Diamond. For a good 25 years. Even saw him on Halloween in 1993. I’m not really interested in having a debate about how much I know about Him, but there isn’t a song he’s put out including the Black Rose rehearsal tapes I haven’t poured over on many occasions. I’m actually pretty into his music (more about that later)

      I simply start with this in order that you understand that I have a pretty strong understanding of the matter under discussion and didn’t just parachute in to make fun of the man with the silly makeup and scary stories.

      Be clear, the article is not meant to insult the man himself (although that part was fun). The target of this are people deluded enough to think that his act is anything but a hustle. The packaging and selling of music has been that way since the beginning of the industry, so that’s not what I’m taking issue with.

      It’s the fetishistic cult of adoration that I find bizarre and misguided. It is not only reserved to King Diamond, but to pretty much any consumer product (although it’s a bit more obvious with King Diamond because of the sheer passion with which his fans invest in his story, as evidenced by the predictable ‘you suck’ and ‘i hope you die’ type responses I’ve gotten.)

      People create stories in their mind about the meaning of events. In this case, you have taken a publicity stunt (a Skype talk set up by a very intelligent PR person) as a mark of who he is. He spoke to you, thus confirming the fantasy that he cares about you.

      Satan is a gimmick to help connect with the alienated and angry and allow them to consume in a way that helps allay these feelings.

      The voice stuff was probably a bit of a cheap shot, as he actually does sound pretty solid, although how much of this is a product of having equipment that helps I’m not sure.

      Here’s the article in a nutshell…enjoy what you enjoy, if watching King Diamond makes you happy, that’s fine….but see the hustle for what it is and don’t be a sucker. This hustle is imbedded in nearly every facet of our culture, but if you start with the stuff you love (as I did here), you can really see how strongly the narrative takes hold.

      The Hustle is the root of our world today. It is everywhere. It isn’t reserved to the record industry, it lives in schools, churches, homes, and everywhere else you can imagine. It is as if we are fish trying to understand water. The Hustle is our environment. The only way to truly make it plain is by creating a counter narrative to the accepted truth.

      • #20 by Laith on July 16, 2014 - 2:28 AM

        hahah dude.. you should go on the “All About King Diamond And Mercyful Fate” page on facebook and read all the insults they’re throwing at you hahahah.. hilarious shit

      • #21 by Keith Spillett on July 16, 2014 - 2:34 AM

        Ha! I’ve seen a few on other sites. I love it!!!!

      • #22 by Andy on July 16, 2014 - 11:32 AM

        yes!! This whole comment is dead on! Especially the bit about satan, I’ve always wondered what the point is of the whole la veyan satanism “satan is a symbol of your individuality” thing, why can’t you just say, “I’m an individual who is solely in charge of my own destiny” and befucking done with it?! I guess most of the prominent la veyan satanists use it as a fucking showbiz thing, as you state, its ridiculous!

      • #23 by Keith Spillett on July 16, 2014 - 4:12 PM

        Ha! Really well put! It’s like angry secular humanists were upset they didn’t have a mascot.

      • #24 by Odorous Torfungus on July 16, 2014 - 5:59 PM

        I have the sudden urge to do the hustle.

      • #25 by dannyemills on July 17, 2014 - 7:49 AM

        Ah Keith – you have somewhat naively stumbled upon what might be considered a ‘can of satanic worms’ by satirising the WRONG DEMAGOGUE! You should know better, Keith! Satan has all the best tunes, all the most insightful and modest followers and especially he is ‘JUST AS STRONG, IF NOT STRONGER THAN EVER BEFORE.’!!!! (couldn’t have said it better myself, ‘po3vader’.)

    • #26 by dannyemills on July 17, 2014 - 7:48 AM

      How do you know King Diamond would be insulted? Are you vicariously living through his experience by adopting his astral dream-state? Or is this just a particularly powerful form of empathy?

  9. #27 by just brandie on July 16, 2014 - 5:16 PM

    Bravo…… love it. Finally some truth. So brutal so honest. I must apologize for all my fellow KD fans and for my fellow humans. You spit such ugliness from that diseased concave of a mouth you have that they are only standing up to what they believe in. As Cyndi Lauper so eloquently says ” I see your true colors shinning thru” what I’m appreciating is that you just gave me my reason to laugh. Har har..I feel better, do you? What chivalry I see in such a man as you. You must be a man of authority, may be a judge. So as a judge I’m sure are familiar with a jury. Well consider this you incompitient little man. We are your fucking jury and as jurors you are guilty of being the punk that you are. A scared little mouse hiding from himself and spreading filth and obvious envious just to get some attention. I believe in freedom of speech but I don’t believe in public bashing only because your intimidated and want to feel love as KD does by so many. Open your eyes you little TWIRP. You are nothing Nada and the only thing you got to look forward to is your own suicide . admit itA
    how many times will you rewrite the first and only line in your suicide letter. Coward get a life, stop wasting everyone’s time. Your a bore, do us all a favor and look at yourself in the mirror. You may just get the courage needed to finally pull the trigger.

    • #28 by Keith Spillett on July 16, 2014 - 5:33 PM

      BAHAAAAAA!!!

      This is quite possibly the greatest comment that has ever appeared on this site. I will take back everything I said if you promise to write more of these.

      Yours truly,

      TWIRP

      • #29 by Keith Spillett on July 17, 2014 - 2:53 PM

        “just brandie” I have thought about your comment a lot and really, REALLY would like you to write for Tyranny of Tradition. An advice column or something. Maybe for KD fans. I don’t know. I’ll give you a platform to air your views on life and the state of heavy metal today.

        I’m not actually being sarcastic here. You have become sort of a celebrity among the Tyramaniacs! If you’d like to take me up on this offer email me at kspillett14@yahoo.com. Hope to hear from you!

      • #30 by just a fan on July 18, 2014 - 1:56 PM

        She tried and all email was rejected. You need to contact her. She is on Fb Brandie Linn Barnes

      • #31 by Keith Spillett on July 18, 2014 - 3:45 PM

        Sent it along! Can’t wait to hear from her.

    • #32 by Odorous Toefungus on July 16, 2014 - 6:00 PM

      I bet you’re a lot of fun at parties.

    • #33 by dannyemills on July 17, 2014 - 8:02 AM

      Yeah, correcting grammar is a bit below the proverbial belt I know but I am sure it’s ‘twerp’ (a silly or annoying person – actually not that bad an insult, Keith), you know, as in ‘twerk’.

      I hope I’m not over egging the pudding but to paraphrase again, one our most prominent contemporary philosophers i have some advice for you Keith:

      When you gonna live your life right?
      We’re not the fortunate ones,
      King Diamond fans just want to have fun.

      The phone rings in the middle of the night and
      Kim Bendix Petersen yells ‘what you gonna do with your life?
      Kim, dear you know you’re still number one but
      King Diamond fans just want to have fun!

      You know, some boys take a beautiful goth
      and hide her away from the rest of the world but I want to be the one
      to walk in the moon-light – King Diamond fans just want to have fun!

      That’s all they really want…

      • #34 by just brandie on July 18, 2014 - 4:51 AM

        Right on!!! Had me seeing red at first but when I got down to the parody of Cindi Laupers song I found myself singing right along …..it really is all in fun

  10. #35 by just brandie on July 16, 2014 - 5:23 PM

    In no way do I think what I said was appropriate. Suicide is serious and so is bashing. I just hope people realize that taking stabs at others for whatever reason is cruel and shit can happen. I do apologize to y
    To all I may have hurt or offended. Life is precious. I wish no harm to anyone. king Diamond so looking forward to seeing you in San Francisco…..

    • #36 by Keith Spillett on July 16, 2014 - 5:35 PM

      As a person who recently committed suicide, I found your words quite insensitive and inappropriate.

      However, I accept your apology. God Bless You. And God Bless King Diamond.

  11. #37 by Dan Burton on July 16, 2014 - 5:24 PM

    Using the definition of “Christian” often used in the Deep South, i.e. kind and charitable, King Diamond is a Christian Satanist. I look forward to the show. I’ll see to it that it is announces in Sunday School so that everyone that wants to go is aware. \m/

  12. #38 by gildedbeard on July 16, 2014 - 6:30 PM

    Great article, as always.

  13. #40 by Christopher McMahon on July 16, 2014 - 10:25 PM

    Kind Diamond is 58. That is not old enough for social security.

  14. #41 by noprobrob on July 17, 2014 - 1:13 AM

    your subject matter is very true if you could have done it differently I think you would not have got so much heat from King Diamond fans. maybe focusing more on the subject matter than King Diamond himself would have been a better approach to start this article and using him as an example with other bands. I’m sure you wrote this article because it bothers you that you enjoy his music and that he is doing this two us fans for his own personal wealth because Axl Rose is doing the same thing along other bands but I’m sure those bands don’t hold as much value as KD and I would tell you that is a personal problem because this article could have been about any other band. all I know is that in the streetz you get your ass kicked for calling out another mans hustle & grind any advice I would give to you is stop being a snitch.

  15. #42 by King Diamond Fans on July 17, 2014 - 8:57 AM

    ANYONE WHO DOESN’T LIKE KING DIAMOND IS AFRAID OF HI-HIMSELF! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU ARE AFRAID…OF YOURSELF! OF KING DIAMOND!

  16. #43 by Tom Goddard on July 19, 2014 - 9:38 AM

    First off – that was a shitty write up. You call yourself a journalist?!?
    Fuck you. Have you ever seen a concert? Let alone mercyful Fate or king diamond??
    You sir, ARE a Douchebag.

  17. #45 by ThePissYouAllOffKING on October 18, 2014 - 5:36 PM

    To everyone on the site……
    SHUT THE FUCK UP and stop trying to convince yourselves that your opinions matter, because no one cares.
    If someone does happen to care, the chances are they’re complete fuckin idiots with the intelligence level of say…..a garbage truck, or a basket of rotten bacon.

  18. #46 by John Patrick Lichtenberg on October 31, 2014 - 4:51 PM

    So, is this a Mercyful Fate tour or a King Diamond tour?

  1. Boston Crew: King Diamond @ the Palladium 10/16 - Page 6

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