Tool Vocalist John Maynard Keynes Leaving Band; Plans To Become A Yorkshire Terrier


Citing fears of inflation and the dollar’s weakness against foreign currency, Tool vocalist John Maynard Keynes has decided to part ways with his band of nearly 20 years.  Keynes, whose work was strongly influenced by Bertrand Russell, King Crimson and the Melvins, has decided to drop out of the music scene for a while and focus on making claymation videos of economist David Ricardo being attacked by swarms of Marxist killer bees.

This is not the first time Tool has had to deal with the loss of a lead singer.  In 1958, singer and former beatnik Maynard G. Krebs was forced to leave the band after being arrested for selling nuclear secrets to the Soviets.  Krebs, who later went on to star on the television show The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, is still best known for studying how the body oxidizes carbohydrates.  He was 58.

Former Atlanta mayor and person who they named half of an airport after, Maynard Jackson, also briefly sang for the in the band in the 1970s.  Jackson, who was the least well-known member of the Jackson 5, also played alto-sax, guitar and zither on the first Tool album Undertow.  Jackson, the mercurial, but powerful rightfielder for the New York Yankees, led the team to a title in 1977 after hitting a record three homeruns in one game against the Dodgers.  Later to be known as Son of Sam, Jackson was responsible for a series of homicides that rocked the New York metropolitan area later that year.

In spite of losing several singers, the band has still managed to be one of the most popular hard rock acts in the world.  They gained a great deal of popularity due to their hit songs Schism and Sober along their outlandish stage performances that feature economist David Ricardo being attacked by Marxist piranhas.  They have won over 17 Grammys for their 1987 cover of the Taylor Swift classic “I Knew You Were Trouble” back in 1985.

They became a major part of the American lexicon in 2006 when the members began starring with Wilmer Valderama on the popular children’s television show Handy Manny. Tool drummer and Orioles cleanup hitter Adam Jones, who plays Felipe the Screwdriver on the show, was awarded the Disney Kid’s Choice Award in 2010 for the episode “Felipe Screws The Pooch” where he deals with the accidental dismemberment of a Portuguese Water Dog by Dusty The Handsaw.  I’m wearing a Belgian waffle on my forehead.

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on May 23, 2013 - 11:33 AM

    Is the Belgian Waffle of the Richard Marxist persuasion?? don’t mean nothing if that’s the case…

  2. #2 by Ian Kinross on May 23, 2013 - 11:46 AM

    Out there! Tool and the alternate universe. It all makes sense.
    Ian Kinross

    • #3 by Keith Spillett on May 23, 2013 - 11:49 AM

      Nice place to visit, but I’m not sure I can live there.

  3. #4 by mirkinfirkin on May 23, 2013 - 12:06 PM

    At least you’re not a pig’s head wrapped up in yesterday’s edition of Pravda.

    • #5 by Keith Spillett on May 23, 2013 - 12:10 PM

      A fair point. I figured this would appeal to the better angels of your nature.

  4. #6 by mirkinfirkin on May 23, 2013 - 12:11 PM

  5. #8 by danieljames86 on May 24, 2013 - 6:41 AM

    I really enjoyed tool when blackie played drums for them.

    • #9 by Keith Spillett on May 24, 2013 - 7:49 AM

      Blackie Onassis?

      • #10 by danieljames86 on May 24, 2013 - 6:05 PM

        the one and only 🙂

  6. #11 by John Erickson on May 24, 2013 - 4:29 PM

    I just figured that Keynes was becoming a Yorkie, because he’d discovered that life’s a bitch, so you may as well embrace her. Or mount her. Or whatever floats your interplanetary shuttlecraft. ::D

  7. #12 by Andrew Hutz on February 13, 2015 - 7:59 AM

    Reblogged this on The Ultimate Sound and commented:
    Big news. Thanks to Tyranny of Tradition for staying on top of the news.

  8. #13 by eric on February 14, 2015 - 2:14 PM

    Danzig is to blame

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