Some people dream of having their own twenty-room mansion, some fantasize about owning a yacht, others imagine purchasing their own tropical island. If money was no object and I could buy anything I wanted I’d immediately purchase the Colorado Rockies. Here’s the thing, I’m not even a Rockies fan and I’ve never been within 300 miles of Colorado. So, why would some multi-billionaire Mets fan want to purchase the Rockies? Because it would allow me to put into play a baseball system that would forever revolutionize how the game is played. I like to call the system Moronball and it could be the greatest innovation in how the game is played since the creation of the curveball.
Moronball is a system that utilizes several idiosyncrasies within the game to the greatest possible advantage. It is similar to the Oakland A’s Moneyball system in the fact that it tries to achieve success without spending a large amount of money. The difference is that instead of creating a team built around a boring, clichéd goal like winning; Moronball is built around creating the most bizarre and entertaining possible experience imaginable.
The first and most obvious question is, ‘Why Colorado’? The homerun is the most critical offensive component in Moronball. Therefore, we will try to create a team that will hit the most possible homeruns and in the process sacrifice nearly every other important offensive category. The thin air of Colorado can offer a possibility of a nearly endless stream of homeruns if the fences are moved in a bit. Right now, you need to hit the ball 415 feet to get a homerun in straight away center. That’s ridiculous! Nobody wants to go to a game to watch long outs. We will move that that to about 350 and put a 275 foot short porch out in right and left field. As Founding Father and diehard baseball fan James Madison once said, “Chicks dig the longball.”
The next step is finding players that fit the system. Homerun hitters tend to be a bit overpaid unless they lack speed, the ability to hit for average and anything approaching average defensive ability. The Moronball Rockies are going to resemble a 35 and up beer league softball team. My outfield will feature athletes like Wily Mo Pena (5 HRs in 46 AB this year), Andruw Jones (14th on the active list of homeruns per at bat with 1 per every 17), and Matt Stairs (25th on the same list 1 HR per 19 ABs). I’d even talk to Barry Bonds about coming out of retirement to roam the outfield. Granted, what I have just outlined is the worst defensive outfield in the 150-year history of baseball, but the point is to win games 22 to 17, not 3 to 1.
At third base would be Russell Branyan (7th on the active AB/HR list with 1 per every 15 ABs) and our first baseman will be Cubs power hitter Carlos Pena (anyone who can hit 26 homeruns with a sub .200 batting average like Pena did last year belongs with us). Pena would cost us somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 million per season, but, honestly, we’re not really paying anyone else all that much so why not shell a little money out for a guy who could potentially hit 75 homeruns in our ballpark. Many, many records would fall in Colorado.
It gets a bit tricky when you get to shortstop and second base, because the bloated power hitters are either making too much money for us or have been moved to the outfield. However, keep in mind that we are not committed in anyway whatsoever to playing anything that would even remind a baseball fan of defense. Therefore, I would use Spring Training to convert some Triple A power hitting phenoms who can’t make the show into middle infielders. Mike Hessman, who is currently playing in Japan, is the active minor league homerun leader. I bet that he’d be willing to play second base if I promised him an everyday gig. Shortstop would be manned by power hitting journeyman Bill Hall who is, ironically enough, actually a shortstop. Our catcher would be slugger Miguel Olivo who does almost nothing but hit the ball out the park.
Our starting pitching staff will be another unique facet of Moronball. 3 knuckleballers. That’s it! Tim Wakefield, R.A. Dickey and Charlie Haeger. Jim Bouton once said that knuckleballers pitch better when they are tired. These starters are going to be looking at logging something in the neighborhood of 40 starts so they will be completely exhausted. One of the most entertaining things to watch are knuckleballers, so I say, give the people what they want to see! We’d then carry 9 relief pitchers who could come in and throw hard in order to capitalize on the fact that seeing knuckleballers all day long will cause the opposition’s timing to be a bit off. They can all be flame-throwing journeymen; I really don’t care. We could even have a contest and put a fan on the roster as a middle reliever for the entire season. As long as our team ERA is somewhere below 15.00 we are going to be competitive or, at the very least, fun to watch.
The Rockies have a great amount of talent. I’m sure I could get the players I’ve mentioned because I strongly doubt teams like the Red Sox are going to turn down an offer like Troy Tulowitzki for 44 year-old Tim Wakefield. With the players I’ve mentioned and a few bench players, I think I can keep the payroll somewhere around 35 million per year. I will invest an additional 5 million in order to find the best steroid doctors in the world. If it means forcing our players to inject substances that would have made Mr. Ed win the Kentucky Derby, we will do it.
Baseball purists will hate our team. The commissioner will threaten to close us down. Announcers will lambaste us every time they watch us play, but a Colorado Rockies game will be the most exciting 6 hours the fans have ever seen. We will put hills in the middle of the outfield, place a giant sinkhole between first and second base and even mine the infield grass, whatever we need to do to make Rockies baseball the greatest show on earth.
#1 by johncerickson on July 16, 2011 - 5:07 PM
You know, a sniper with a tranquiliser rifle could keep those outfielders away from any against-the-wall home-run spoilers. And a SAW in the upper balcony off 1st and 3rd could strafe the baseline just behind the runner, giving him a little extra “encouragement” to run home before any defense could get the ball to home plate. Borrow the trap door from Mr. Burns office (the Simpsons, for the under-cultured in the crowd) for the pitcher’s mound – if the pitcher throws too many strikes, drop him to the gators and get a new (read: weaker) arm pitching.
Maybe one in every 20 or so baseballs could be a live grenade? Give the batter a HUGE incentive to knock that things as far away as possible!
And for the ultimate 7th-inning stretch, set up a mortar and draw 3 ticket numbers at random. Each fan gets one shot at the opposing dugout. A good hit gets you season tickets! (Okay, make it sleeping gas. Taking out the opposition might make opposing teams wary of games at Denver!)
Now, the serious stuff……
Have you got this baseball crud outta yer system? Jeez, first I got Frank yapping ball, then I got the Padre and his obsession, and now YOU are rattling on about the dang Boys a Summer! ENOUGH! It’s bad enough ya babble about that darn metal music a yours, knock off the baseball shlock!
#2 by Keith Spillett on July 17, 2011 - 2:56 PM
John, you may not realize it, but you just completed an application for the position of Colorado Rockies Director of Propaganda and Overall Weirdness. You are hired. It was the live grenade bit that sealed the deal.
#3 by johncerickson on July 17, 2011 - 3:49 PM
Cool! For next year’s playoffs, I have a pitching machine hooked up to a twin-turbo Corvette V-8 running nitrous oxide. We can try for the first supersonic fastball! 😀
#4 by Keith Spillett on July 18, 2011 - 5:19 PM
Geez, you want a raise already?!?!
#5 by Jim Wheeler on July 16, 2011 - 5:16 PM
Good one, Keith. Pro sports are of course more in the entertainment business than the sports business. Maybe that’s why so many of their stars behave like Lindsay Lohan.
Anyhow, Moronball is doomed before it begins. Most of its potential fans are already too distracted watching Wipeout.
😆 😆 😆
#6 by Keith Spillett on July 17, 2011 - 3:01 PM
Very true! However, the fact that I recently signed Lindsey Lohan to be our backup 2nd baseman might get our market share back.
#7 by MichaelEdits on July 16, 2011 - 9:05 PM
I’d watch this and I’m not even a baseball fan. I’m an old NFL guy. This team would do for baseball what the XFL did for football, so find a way to put an X in their league or their name or something. It’s X-treme Baseball most x-cellent.
#8 by Keith Spillett on July 17, 2011 - 3:05 PM
All kidding aside, I was a big XFL fan! That league was fantastic. In lieu of an opening coin flip, they used to roll a ball out and have two players fight over it. Amazing! I hope my Moronball Rockies can be even half as fun.
#9 by R. Duane Graham on July 18, 2011 - 10:07 PM
I don’t know what this says about your concept, but about 4 or 5 years ago I saw Wily Mo Pena hit a mammoth homerun in Kansas City, when he was with the Red Sox. I don’t remember much about that game, but I will never forget that blast. If I remember right, it was around 450 feet.
#10 by Keith Spillett on July 19, 2011 - 10:27 AM
Wily Mo is a fun player to watch. He is All-Batting Practice! He keeps it basic, it’s either a homerun or a strikeout. What’s the use of all that other stuff anyway?
#11 by True Thrash Metal on July 21, 2011 - 1:27 PM
true thrash metal loves this blog
#12 by Keith Spillett on July 21, 2011 - 3:18 PM
And this blog loves you
#13 by afrankangle on July 26, 2011 - 8:55 PM
Hey there … I finally got around to reading this closely!
Sorry … Moronball is already taken … it’s the NFL team in my city … Cincinnati Bengals.
How about using Anthony Weiner for a concession stand promotion?
As for the HRs, you will have to remove the humidor that houses the game balls.
BTW – a friend of mine wanted to have a team of guys like Adam Dunn, Russell Branyon, etc. Then again, he would know the game if he know half as much as he thinks he does.
Hiring John and Lindsey is a good move!
One last thought. Thanks for stopping by my place although a work project is keeping me from regular visiting my favs.
#14 by Keith Spillett on July 29, 2011 - 2:55 PM
The humidor is gone!!! Replaced with a machine that allows me to put cork in bats.
#15 by afrankangle on July 31, 2011 - 6:55 PM
Ha Ha … and Willie Moe is a free agent ready for your signing!