Varg Vikernes Creates Secret Weather Control Device; Threatens to Destroy World

After his recent release from prison for the murder of Mayhem frontman Euronymous, Varg Vikernes seemed to be saying all the right things.  He was going to retire to a quiet life where he would write music for his band Burzum and work patiently in his garden on his prized daffodils.

He had become a devout reader of Nicholas Sparks novels, particularly “The Notebook” which he called “the most bittersweet, poignant tale of young love he had ever encountered”.  He had bought a farm just north of Trondheim where he planned to work with sick goats and even open a petting zoo for young children.

People had thought that the bizarre, horrifying saga of Varg was finally coming to a quiet end.   They were wrong.

Last Wednesday, Varg sent a letter to the Sandefjord Daily Examiner, claiming that since his release in March 2009 he has been secretly working on a weather control device that could “rain the fury of the gods upon our world.”  The device, which he referred to as Odin’s Hammer, is capable of creating tornadoes and hurricanes, along with other types of obscure and bizarre weather events.

As a show of its strength, on Monday Varg claimed to have caused the freak blizzard that covered Riyadh, Saudi Arabia with 12 inches of snow.  He also claimed responsibility for the freak frog storm that interrupted Saturday’s football match between Manchester United and Liverpool.  “I’ve shown you I can make frogs fall from the sky,” said Varg in a letter released on Sunday, “you will bow down before me…..YOUR BLACK METAL GOD.”

Interpol has been tracking Varg since the first message made it to the newspapers.  Several sources claim that he has slipped out of Norway and hidden in North Korea under the protection of the slightly bloated leader of that nation, Kim Jong Un.

Another source claims that Varg had originally offered to sell the device to Iran for 100 million dollars, but decided against it when he learned that several prominent Iranian clerics preferred more mainstream black metal bands like Dimmu Borgir.

Varg claims he will not use Odin’s Hammer if several demands are immediately met.  The list of demands range from the slightly bizarre to the unbelievably ridiculous.  First of all, he wants a fleet of 200 World War 2 Sherman Tanks at his disposal at all times.  He has asked that Wednesday be renamed Heimdall, in honor of the Norse God whose horn will announce the end of the world.  He demanded a worldwide ban on the use of ukuleles.

Finally, he asked for the ruins of the Roman Coliseum to be filled with 500,000 pounds of gluten-free cupcakes.  Authorities are confused by Varg’s request and some believe that it is possible that these requests might, in fact, be signs of mental illness.

In America, one of the targets for potential attack named by Varg in his last letter, responses were mixed.  Several prominent politicians called for an immediate program creating billions of dollars in subsidies to corporations that create gluten free cupcakes.

However, some politicians, like former Presidential candidate Scott Walker were not impressed with Varg’s threats.  “We all know that it is impossible for human actions to affect the weather.  That’s just preposterous,” said Walker in Wednesday’s interview on The Sean Hannity Show.

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on February 13, 2012 - 2:13 PM

    Roman Cupcakes, ftw!!! By the way, Mr. Varg, snow to Florida, por favor???

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on February 13, 2012 - 6:57 PM

      Jeeyeah! I’ll see what Varg can do when we meet for tea next Friday.

      • #3 by Universe Number Five on February 13, 2012 - 7:03 PM

        I always pictured Varg as more the Lime Gatorade drinker… guess I botched that one.

  2. #4 by Someguy on February 14, 2012 - 5:29 AM

    Then again, a worldwide ban of ukuleles may not be such a bad idea..

  3. #6 by nopopnomanagers on February 14, 2012 - 7:54 AM

    I hear Varg faked Whitney Houston’s death to claim the life insurance to be able to further his research into weather control.

  4. #7 by paulotus on February 14, 2012 - 11:03 AM

    Varg must have bipolar disorder. his thinking process is that of a true manic person (or maniacal)

  5. #8 by John Erickson on February 14, 2012 - 7:28 PM

    Um .. two small problems. Thor wielded the hammer, not Odin. And Wednesday is derived from Wodensday, which I believe derives from “Odin’ Day”, so he’d be dishonouring Odin by giving the day to a lesser deity.
    But as to the ukelele ban, I say go for it. And for the Shermans, get the ones with the 30-cylinder Chrysler engine (five 6-cyliners joined together). They run pretty nice. (Personally, I’d get the Chaffee, carrying the same 75mm gun but with twin Cadillac V-8s, and half as heavy. Easier on gas!) 😀

  6. #9 by Truth Teller on February 15, 2012 - 3:13 AM

    Wish someone would have destroyed him when he was eating part of Mayhem’s brains. If I was a policeman there, I’d have shot him until the gun was empty, reloaded and then shot him again until my gun was empty a second time. I probably would have gotten thrown off the force and possibly faced jail time but I’d have slept easier knowing that one less lunatic was in this world making garbage and profiting from being virtually insane.

    • #10 by bill cosby on April 22, 2012 - 12:05 AM

      Mayhem is a band, not a person. Varg didn’t eat anyone

    • #11 by Marc Alexander Reed on January 14, 2013 - 1:59 PM

      You’re a nonce, right. You know that?

    • #12 by that guys an idiot ^ on July 16, 2013 - 8:12 PM

      uhhh you do realize that Dead spilled his own brains all over the ceiling, euronymous got killed by Varg, and the other members either went insane or retired from musical life. Nobody ate nobodys brains out and nobody went full retard in there. Also, the reason that Varg killed Euronymous was because of a copyright conflict, which is a type of argument where a crapload of money is involved. Murder is unjustifiable, but understandable given the fragile state of Vargs mind, and the circumstances of the fight.

  7. #13 by Simone on February 18, 2012 - 2:11 PM

    every contrey have one idiot like Varg is, every fool can have atencion t
    today..feel sorry for this world,and fool like Varg is..

    • #14 by Simon on July 16, 2013 - 11:04 AM

      Ejukation is a concept that has evaded us it appears…..

      • #15 by that guys an idiot ^ on July 16, 2013 - 8:14 PM

        shes hispanic, probably speaks spanish most of the time. Looks like she actually had to use a translator because if you translate that word for word to french (the only latin-based language i speak) it makes more sense)

      • #16 by Sujith on June 30, 2014 - 1:34 PM

        haha I like it mate.

  8. #17 by nisakuv on April 21, 2012 - 4:18 PM

    Odin didn’t have a hammer.

  9. #18 by BlackSwan on January 6, 2013 - 5:53 AM

    Euronymous was Mayhem’s bass player, not frontman.
    And Varg was released on May 24th, 2009 not March.

    • #19 by that guys an idiot ^ on July 16, 2013 - 8:15 PM

      it was his band, and featured him in front of most of the other members. he is the frontman and bassist.

      • #20 by Jacob M on July 17, 2013 - 6:46 PM

        he wasn’t the frontman, he just played bass. DEAD was the frontman. do any of you even know shit about Mayhem?

  10. #21 by dm47021 on July 18, 2013 - 3:21 AM

    this has got to be fake..

  1. Varg Vikernes arresterad, misstänkt för att ha planerat en massaker | Festivalrykten
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