Posts Tagged Dimmu Borgir

Billionaire Sheldon Adelson to Open Exclusive Black Metal Only Golf Course and Country Club

In a move designed to give committed black metal fans a break from having to spend time around people who consider Dimmu Borgir a true black metal band, billionaire casino owner and former Marduk bassist Sheldon Adelson plans to open the world’s first black metal only golf course and country club.  The club will be meant to provide recreational and networking opportunities to those who are true to the cause of real black metal.  The club will not allow any fake metal posers to join or even play as guests.

Adelson, a multi-million dollar contributor to political campaigns and groups that deal with social issues, has always felt that the cause of black metal elitism was close to his heart.  He has given over 12 million dollars to Black Metal Listeners for Decency, a group that has lobbied the US Congress for several years in order to pass a law that force music retailers to only sell black metal albums to those who can provide valid proof of metal purity.  Proof would include a signed letter from Fenriz, pictures of the person burning down a church or skull fragments from Euronymous.

The country club, set on 300 plush acres in the hills of North Carolina, will feature a course designed by legendary golf architect Robert Trent Jones.  In spite of the traditional location and set up, the club will feature some unique and somewhat bizarre rules.  Only those in corpse paint will be allowed to enter the clubhouse.  In order to play the course, members must wear golf spikes as well as an authentic tour shirt from a black metal concert that took place before 1994.  The only languages that will be spoken at the club will be Old Norse or Burzamtine, a language developed by Varg Vikernes during his time in prison.

Several poser rights groups have come out in opposition to creating a country club that practices discrimination.  Arnold Vespesian, Director of Posers For Equality, and 100 of his followers have descended on North Carolina Sunday and began protesting the opening of the club.  Vespasian is appalled that in this day and age a country club could be allowed to restrict its members based on their taste in music.  “After all, aren’t people supposed to be judged on the content of their character, not the contents of their IPod?  This is America!”  announced Vespasian to a cheering group of kids in Cradle of Filth shirts outside of a Hot Topic in Charlotte’s Northlake Mall.

In spite of the protests, the course is still on track for a Spring 2013 opening.  The course opening is expected to be attended by some of the top names in black metal and golf including Secthdamon, Tiger Woods and Destructhor.

Black Metal God Sheldon Adelson

Black Metal God Sheldon Adelson

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Children Of Bodom To Promote New Album By Putting A Dog In A Dryer

If you are even a casual metal fan, you’ve seen your share of church burnings, corpse paint, virgin sacrifices, dead animals on stage and even the occasional Finn on Finn homicide.   You’ve seen pirate metal.  You’ve seen bands do entire concerts covered in potting soil.  You’ve seen Vikings.  You’ve seen limbless guitarists play Yngwie Malmsteen solos with their noses.  You’ve seen bands play with orchestras. You’ve seen groups of naked lepers playing grindcore versions of Steely Dan songs.  Most metal fans have seen it all. Until now.

On December 21st, 2012, Children of Bodom plan to take the metal gimmick to a place it has never gone before.  In order to promote their forthcoming record “Collecting Pictures of Autopsies To Impress Girls”, Children of Bodom singer Alexi “Wildchild” Laiho plans to put a live dog in a dryer and hit start.  The stunt, which will take place in Cleveland’s famed Agora Ballroom, will be performed in front of a crowd of 12,000,000 of Ohio’s most devoted metalheads.

The band plans to open the show with “Beaten To Death With An Armadillo”, the first single off of the new record.  Then, during one of the 12 solos in the song, Alexi will throw Shemp, an 11-year-old French poodle, into a 14-cycle high efficiency front-loading Maytag dryer.  During the concert’s finale, the dog will be removed from the dryer and forced to run through a make shift obstacle course created by the band on stage.  Hijinks will ensue.

Children of Bodom are not the only metal artists boldly pushing in this creative new direction.  Dimmu Borgir plan to interrupt their own concert in November by flushing oranges down all the toilets on the top floor of The Masquerade in Atlanta simultaneously.  Cradle of Filth made news earlier in the month when singer Dani Filth began prank phone calling local supermarkets on stage and asking them if they had Prince Albert in a can. Behemoth even went so far as to put several sets of fake chattering teeth on the stage during a show last week in Dubuque, Iowa.

Not everyone is as excited about this event as Children of Bodom’s Hatecrew of wild-eyed, dog suffering hungry fans.  Several groups have planned protests including People For The Ethical Torment Of Cows and Other Edible Beasts (PETAC). According to PETAC leader Emmett Fassbinder, The Children have threatened to not clean the lint screen before the dryer is started putting audience members at risk for “a fiery, horrific death.”

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Varg Vikernes Creates Secret Weather Control Device; Threatens to Destroy World

After his recent release from prison for the murder of Mayhem frontman Euronymous, Varg Vikernes seemed to be saying all the right things.  He was going to retire to a quiet life where he would write music for his band Burzum and work patiently in his garden on his prized daffodils.

He had become a devout reader of Nicholas Sparks novels, particularly “The Notebook” which he called “the most bittersweet, poignant tale of young love he had ever encountered”.  He had bought a farm just north of Trondheim where he planned to work with sick goats and even open a petting zoo for young children.

People had thought that the bizarre, horrifying saga of Varg was finally coming to a quiet end.   They were wrong.

Last Wednesday, Varg sent a letter to the Sandefjord Daily Examiner, claiming that since his release in March 2009 he has been secretly working on a weather control device that could “rain the fury of the gods upon our world.”  The device, which he referred to as Odin’s Hammer, is capable of creating tornadoes and hurricanes, along with other types of obscure and bizarre weather events.

As a show of its strength, on Monday Varg claimed to have caused the freak blizzard that covered Riyadh, Saudi Arabia with 12 inches of snow.  He also claimed responsibility for the freak frog storm that interrupted Saturday’s football match between Manchester United and Liverpool.  “I’ve shown you I can make frogs fall from the sky,” said Varg in a letter released on Sunday, “you will bow down before me…..YOUR BLACK METAL GOD.”

Interpol has been tracking Varg since the first message made it to the newspapers.  Several sources claim that he has slipped out of Norway and hidden in North Korea under the protection of the slightly bloated leader of that nation, Kim Jong Un.

Another source claims that Varg had originally offered to sell the device to Iran for 100 million dollars, but decided against it when he learned that several prominent Iranian clerics preferred more mainstream black metal bands like Dimmu Borgir.

Varg claims he will not use Odin’s Hammer if several demands are immediately met.  The list of demands range from the slightly bizarre to the unbelievably ridiculous.  First of all, he wants a fleet of 200 World War 2 Sherman Tanks at his disposal at all times.  He has asked that Wednesday be renamed Heimdall, in honor of the Norse God whose horn will announce the end of the world.  He demanded a worldwide ban on the use of ukuleles.

Finally, he asked for the ruins of the Roman Coliseum to be filled with 500,000 pounds of gluten-free cupcakes.  Authorities are confused by Varg’s request and some believe that it is possible that these requests might, in fact, be signs of mental illness.

In America, one of the targets for potential attack named by Varg in his last letter, responses were mixed.  Several prominent politicians called for an immediate program creating billions of dollars in subsidies to corporations that create gluten free cupcakes.

However, some politicians, like former Presidential candidate Scott Walker were not impressed with Varg’s threats.  “We all know that it is impossible for human actions to affect the weather.  That’s just preposterous,” said Walker in Wednesday’s interview on The Sean Hannity Show.

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