If you are even a casual metal fan, you’ve seen your share of church burnings, corpse paint, virgin sacrifices, dead animals on stage and even the occasional Finn on Finn homicide. You’ve seen pirate metal. You’ve seen bands do entire concerts covered in potting soil. You’ve seen Vikings. You’ve seen limbless guitarists play Yngwie Malmsteen solos with their noses. You’ve seen bands play with orchestras. You’ve seen groups of naked lepers playing grindcore versions of Steely Dan songs. Most metal fans have seen it all. Until now.
On December 21st, 2012, Children of Bodom plan to take the metal gimmick to a place it has never gone before. In order to promote their forthcoming record “Collecting Pictures of Autopsies To Impress Girls”, Children of Bodom singer Alexi “Wildchild” Laiho plans to put a live dog in a dryer and hit start. The stunt, which will take place in Cleveland’s famed Agora Ballroom, will be performed in front of a crowd of 12,000,000 of Ohio’s most devoted metalheads.
The band plans to open the show with “Beaten To Death With An Armadillo”, the first single off of the new record. Then, during one of the 12 solos in the song, Alexi will throw Shemp, an 11-year-old French poodle, into a 14-cycle high efficiency front-loading Maytag dryer. During the concert’s finale, the dog will be removed from the dryer and forced to run through a make shift obstacle course created by the band on stage. Hijinks will ensue.
Children of Bodom are not the only metal artists boldly pushing in this creative new direction. Dimmu Borgir plan to interrupt their own concert in November by flushing oranges down all the toilets on the top floor of The Masquerade in Atlanta simultaneously. Cradle of Filth made news earlier in the month when singer Dani Filth began prank phone calling local supermarkets on stage and asking them if they had Prince Albert in a can. Behemoth even went so far as to put several sets of fake chattering teeth on the stage during a show last week in Dubuque, Iowa.
Not everyone is as excited about this event as Children of Bodom’s Hatecrew of wild-eyed, dog suffering hungry fans. Several groups have planned protests including People For The Ethical Torment Of Cows and Other Edible Beasts (PETAC). According to PETAC leader Emmett Fassbinder, The Children have threatened to not clean the lint screen before the dryer is started putting audience members at risk for “a fiery, horrific death.”
The Tyranny of Tradition 
#1 by sblackbird on September 10, 2012 - 11:34 AM
Noooooooooooo! Hahaha shit. Thanks for making me laugh on a Monday morning.
#2 by IN on September 10, 2012 - 12:11 PM
What? This is fake, and you had me, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#3 by John Erickson on September 10, 2012 - 12:32 PM
Not to be “that guy”, but there are 3 TEENY little problems with this great plan:
1) There ain’t 12 million metalheads in Ohio.
2) Unless they’re gonna use the burned-out rubble of Cleveland as an auditorium, there’s nowhere to PUT 12 million metalheads.
3) The world is ending on 21 December, so the concert tickets will be useless – unless Ohio is gonna be Hell’s waiting room, in which case, I gotta go make a BIG beer run! 😀
#4 by Universe Number Five on September 10, 2012 - 2:21 PM
Hahahahaahahahaa, “Beaten To Death With An Armadillo”, I am in freakin’ tears! Hahahahaahahahahahahahahaa!!!!! Behemoth with the chattering teeth…. they totally stole that idea from Uriah Heep… not cool bro. Hahahahaahahahahahahaa!
#5 by victoriagrimalkin on September 10, 2012 - 3:23 PM
Hopefully it will just be fluff dried dog. Poodles groove on pompadour doos, but I think a pit bull would be more amusing for abusing. ;))
#6 by Dave on September 10, 2012 - 5:05 PM
Now you’ve done it. Here come the animal rights hordes. I can imagine the replies already.