In a move designed to give committed black metal fans a break from having to spend time around people who consider Dimmu Borgir a true black metal band, billionaire casino owner and former Marduk bassist Sheldon Adelson plans to open the world’s first black metal only golf course and country club. The club will be meant to provide recreational and networking opportunities to those who are true to the cause of real black metal. The club will not allow any fake metal posers to join or even play as guests.
Adelson, a multi-million dollar contributor to political campaigns and groups that deal with social issues, has always felt that the cause of black metal elitism was close to his heart. He has given over 12 million dollars to Black Metal Listeners for Decency, a group that has lobbied the US Congress for several years in order to pass a law that force music retailers to only sell black metal albums to those who can provide valid proof of metal purity. Proof would include a signed letter from Fenriz, pictures of the person burning down a church or skull fragments from Euronymous.
The country club, set on 300 plush acres in the hills of North Carolina, will feature a course designed by legendary golf architect Robert Trent Jones. In spite of the traditional location and set up, the club will feature some unique and somewhat bizarre rules. Only those in corpse paint will be allowed to enter the clubhouse. In order to play the course, members must wear golf spikes as well as an authentic tour shirt from a black metal concert that took place before 1994. The only languages that will be spoken at the club will be Old Norse or Burzamtine, a language developed by Varg Vikernes during his time in prison.
Several poser rights groups have come out in opposition to creating a country club that practices discrimination. Arnold Vespesian, Director of Posers For Equality, and 100 of his followers have descended on North Carolina Sunday and began protesting the opening of the club. Vespasian is appalled that in this day and age a country club could be allowed to restrict its members based on their taste in music. “After all, aren’t people supposed to be judged on the content of their character, not the contents of their IPod? This is America!” announced Vespasian to a cheering group of kids in Cradle of Filth shirts outside of a Hot Topic in Charlotte’s Northlake Mall.
In spite of the protests, the course is still on track for a Spring 2013 opening. The course opening is expected to be attended by some of the top names in black metal and golf including Secthdamon, Tiger Woods and Destructhor.
Black Metal God Sheldon Adelson
The Tyranny of Tradition 
#1 by John Erickson on September 12, 2012 - 3:44 PM
Sorry, I got confused initially, and was wondering why someone would want to open a golf course for African-American metal listeners. But now I get the idea, though I do need to ask one question – does “gun metal blue” count as black metal? (No worries if not, I have at least one black-finish sword around here.)
You know, they might want to consider a joint partnership with the Combat Golf of America group. With snipers using live ammo and plenty of landmines, a game of combat golf brings new meaning to the term “hazard”! 😀
#2 by Keith Spillett on September 12, 2012 - 4:30 PM
I gotta hook you up with a black metal record or two John. I think you’d be able to appreciate the sheer absurdity of it!
#3 by Universe Number Five on September 12, 2012 - 4:13 PM
Now if only Wal-Mart would end their War On Black Metal…
In Nomine Trevino, Nicklaus Vobiscum.
#4 by Keith Spillett on September 12, 2012 - 4:30 PM
“In Nomine Trevino, Nicklaus Vobiscum”
HAAAAA!! That got me good.
#5 by Dave on September 12, 2012 - 7:38 PM
I wonder if Living Colour is still around.
#6 by Maz on September 13, 2012 - 3:54 PM
nothing more uber kvlt than denying the existence of the Palestinians.
#7 by Keith Spillett on September 13, 2012 - 3:58 PM
HAAAA!!!! Zionism is hardcore radikult!
#8 by sandeepsabir on September 14, 2012 - 10:27 AM
Thanks for posting this. Today I watched documentary film about Norwegian black metal titled ‘Until the Light Takes Us’. This is must watch for those who love Black metal music and those who love music.
http://www.thegreatplanet.com/until-the-light-takes-us-documentary-film/