Posts Tagged Euronymous

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After 23 Years, Dick Cheney Returns To Abruptum

Dick Cheney

Happy to collaborate with Evil again

The 46th Vice President of the United States has announced his plans to join Evil once more in a quest to achieve the most vicious sounds known to man after 25 years of non-musical black metal performances across the globe. It’s expected that founding member It, currently Stephen King’s pet, will join the band again

“The human essence of pure black evil”. —Euronymous commenting on Cheney—

Abruptum was formed in 1989 by It—known as ‘Eat’ back then—and Dick during Cheney’s stint as the 17th US Secretary of Defense in the White House after a Naked Ronald Reagans rehearsal session (George H. Bush’s former Rapcore Funk band). The group quickly gained notoriety for the macabre sounds and screams achieved by the politician using only a couple of pens and Guantanamo Bay prisoners. The duet quickly relocated to an undisclosed, forgotten World War II bunker in Sweden in order to avoid trials under the Geneva Convention for committing crimes against humanity at a local Denny’s.

Svrf Rock pioneer Euronymous of the Mayhems listened to their recordings and didn’t hesitate to sign the band to his label, Deadlike Bandmate Productions. After some sessions, Euronymous had to change the name of his label because of the mysterious passing of Dead, frontman of the Mayhems.

The only person in a hundred mile radius with a shotgun was Cheney himself, who is known to enjoy shooting his friends in the face. Sadly, for the crime scene investigators and for Abruptum, the Secretary of Defense had to return home to plan his performance piece ‘Operation Desert Storm’ which depicted a devastated Middle East, ravaged by oil-craving demons with full metal minions.

“I’ve always been a extreme person and I’m very committed to my disregard for human lives. I felt I could spread my message of suffering and destruction to a broader audience by being part of the staff of the Naked Ronald Reagans, who happened to tour constantly in the Arab countries. Imagine the energy generated from the clash of the two major fundamentalist cultures, and add to the mix a setting designed by myself, a chaos worshiper.”

“The Scandinavian scene wasn’t violent enough for me. Accountant Grishnackh was burning a couple of churches here and there in order to promote his capitalist ideas and look tough in front of some punk kids who used to hang out at Euronymous’s store. I was destroying mosques all over the place, garnering the attention of the international press, and the best of all is my cultural exchange was a grant taken care of by the American taxpayers” explained Mr. Cheney during an interview with Tyranny.

But not everything was fun and games. In 1992, while vacationing in the violent streets of Detroit, Michigan,

Cheney treating his disease with beer.

Dementia didn’t stop the man’s ambitions

Cheney contracted the avian mad chicken disease (Dick was an avid geek—a person who beheads live chicken with his mouth—usually at carnivals). The fever fried his brain and dementia ensued; in 1993, and using the corpsepaint skills he learned while in the Nordic scene, he formed a duet of devilish, republican clowns with Donald Rumsfeld, whose career as an international jackass was on hiatus.

The nightmarish Insane Clown Posse debuted with Carnival of Carnage in October of 1992, becoming an instant sensation in the former Soviet Union, specially because of the racist and sexist themes of the album. The sickness grew worse in Cheney’s head due to the refusal of conventional treatments, instead, the Black Metal rapper decided to cure himself by binge-drinking.

That’s when Cheney caught the eye of the film industry, he was commissioned by George Lucas himself to write several scripts for the company, including  Episodes I, II and III of the Star Wars Franchise and the fourth installment of Indiana Jones. Critics still debate, to this day, if he sold out and made crappy stuff during this period, or if his performance was so bright and nihilistic that the sucking was by design. In any case, the disease-ridden artist finally looked for professional treatment after watching a preview of Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Cheney's corpsepaint debauchery.

“Jugaloo” means “Bringer of Torment” in ancient Norsk

After his rehabilitation, Dick Cheney returned to the Middle East with a new setup called War! Fun! Terror!, but due to a printing error in the French Le Monde newspaper, it was popularly known as The War on Terror. It has been the longest-lasting exhibit the former Vice President has accomplished in his career, and it even spawned a multitude of spin-off installments such as I Sever Infidel Suckers (ISIS) and the 9 – 11 Conspiracy series.

“I have conquered and broken many people in my day, from Muslims to Star Wars fans, but now I will conquer the Scandinavian scene with Evil by my side, and we’ll make Oslo, Norway look like Flint, Michigan.”  —Dick Cheney expanding on the goals of Abruptum’s reunion—

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Billionaire Sheldon Adelson to Open Exclusive Black Metal Only Golf Course and Country Club

In a move designed to give committed black metal fans a break from having to spend time around people who consider Dimmu Borgir a true black metal band, billionaire casino owner and former Marduk bassist Sheldon Adelson plans to open the world’s first black metal only golf course and country club.  The club will be meant to provide recreational and networking opportunities to those who are true to the cause of real black metal.  The club will not allow any fake metal posers to join or even play as guests.

Adelson, a multi-million dollar contributor to political campaigns and groups that deal with social issues, has always felt that the cause of black metal elitism was close to his heart.  He has given over 12 million dollars to Black Metal Listeners for Decency, a group that has lobbied the US Congress for several years in order to pass a law that force music retailers to only sell black metal albums to those who can provide valid proof of metal purity.  Proof would include a signed letter from Fenriz, pictures of the person burning down a church or skull fragments from Euronymous.

The country club, set on 300 plush acres in the hills of North Carolina, will feature a course designed by legendary golf architect Robert Trent Jones.  In spite of the traditional location and set up, the club will feature some unique and somewhat bizarre rules.  Only those in corpse paint will be allowed to enter the clubhouse.  In order to play the course, members must wear golf spikes as well as an authentic tour shirt from a black metal concert that took place before 1994.  The only languages that will be spoken at the club will be Old Norse or Burzamtine, a language developed by Varg Vikernes during his time in prison.

Several poser rights groups have come out in opposition to creating a country club that practices discrimination.  Arnold Vespesian, Director of Posers For Equality, and 100 of his followers have descended on North Carolina Sunday and began protesting the opening of the club.  Vespasian is appalled that in this day and age a country club could be allowed to restrict its members based on their taste in music.  “After all, aren’t people supposed to be judged on the content of their character, not the contents of their IPod?  This is America!”  announced Vespasian to a cheering group of kids in Cradle of Filth shirts outside of a Hot Topic in Charlotte’s Northlake Mall.

In spite of the protests, the course is still on track for a Spring 2013 opening.  The course opening is expected to be attended by some of the top names in black metal and golf including Secthdamon, Tiger Woods and Destructhor.

Black Metal God Sheldon Adelson

Black Metal God Sheldon Adelson

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