(My brother-in-law BlaK Dan (or Zarathustra as he now likes to be called) has emerged from his cave in the mountains of North Georgia to eat a free meal at our house, scare my children with stories about Varg Vikernes and share his vision of how to save heavy metal from the forces of non-metalness. My wife asks me, as a favor, to let him write for the site occasionally in order to feel “useful”)
Let’s face it folks, the heavy metal world is in crisis. An invasion of hipsters, mall goths, meth-heads, beardos and garden variety morons have turned what was once a great scene into an embarrassment. Things have gotten so bad, the other day I told a guy at a party that I listen to nothing but folk music and trip hop. When you can’t turn on your television without seeing Ozzy Osborne’s wife hocking skin care products, when you hear the members of Savatage rocking out Christmas songs over the PA system at your local Wal-Mart, when 7/8s of the youth of America are unable to name a Metallica song besides “Enter Sandman”, when Iron Maiden spends the majority of their time writing 25 minute adult contemporary songs and selling craft beer…we are in deep trouble!
The center has not held. Real heavy metal is dying a slow, painful death and it seems like there is nothing we can do to stop it. Metal was once pure. People wore their hair long, played loud and wore denim jackets with Venom patches on them. But, those days are over. At a metal show today, you are likely to see a nightmare panorama of Buddy Holly glasses, pink hair, iPhones, ear gauges, and Chelsea Grin shirts.
Some of this breakdown in heavy metal morality can be linked to environmental causes like radiation from the Fukushima meltdown and the widespread use of tetanus vaccinations. However, the root cause of the deracination of true metal can be traced back to a much deeper, more profound issue. That issue is genre mixing.
It started innocently enough. A little bit of synth on an Iron Maiden album, Anthrax experimenting with hip hop, female vocalists fronting death metal bands, Slayer doing a punk album, Pantera… and all of a sudden we are in a vast wasteland of Deafhaven and pirate metal. As we mosh our way into oblivion, it becomes more and more clear that desperate times call for desperate measures. It seems unfashionable to talk about eugenics today in our politically correct world, but, the truth is, it is the only way to save metal from the dark, sinister forces of poseurness.
It is obvious to anyone who spends five minutes at a concert or on a metal message board that there is a hierarchy of metal fans. At the bottom of the ladder are the Hot Topicafied kids who tried to furtively ditch their Justin Beiber loving image by showing up to school one day in an Asking Alexandria shirt. They are the heavy metal Untouchables. If they are wearing a “Ride The Lightning” shirt, chances are they think that is the name of the band. At any moment, they could rediscover the Miley Cyrus album they considered throwing out a week ago and leave the scene altogether. But, they probably won’t.
They are slightly lower on the metal food chain then the hipster metalhead. If you’ve ever seen a dude quoting David Foster Wallace while wearing a Liturgy shirt, you probably know whom I’m talking about. Bookish, frail and generally annoying, these creatures secretly long to find someone else in the scene that owns every Paul Westerberg solo album.
Slightly above them are the dim-witted, slumped shouldered, neckless, meth-addled Pantera/groove metal fans. They randomly shout Slayer at inappropriate times and ramble on about how they wish they could beat up more of the people lower on the metal totem pole. They are noisy, poorly groomed, have enormous craniums and take Cannibal Corpse extremely seriously. Each of them secretly hope you think they are mass murderers, in spite of the fact that they have never done much worse than feed a hedgehog to their pet python. All of these groups fall into the subhuman metal category.
Those Worthy of Being Spared
Above them, there are better types. You have your old school Florida death metal types (Children of Chuck), your loony bird power metal fanatics (Middle Earthers), the veteran thrasheads who saw Exodus on the “Bonded By Blood” tour (Oldbangers), the Eurofabulous obscuritarian types who wander the earth fantasizing about being perceived as the next Wagner (known as Thomas G Warriors, this group was nearly wiped out by the release of Cold Lake) and many other breeds of slightly evolved metalheads. They are certainly not perfect, especially when they want to tell you for the six hundredth time how great Overkill was before Rat Skates left, but they are mostly harmless if kept separate from the upper classes.
There are two groups of true Brahmans in the metal world. First of all, you have your proto-Nietzschean, back to Mother Earth, church burning, Necronomicon quoting black metal fans (Ubermenschians). They must be pure of heart and eardrum, because only they can actually tell what is happening on an early Darkthrone album. To the lower castes, it is simply noise. To them, it is art.
Above them are the serious New Wave of British Heavy Metal people (Metal Kings). They get the Judas Priest album “Rocka Rolla” at both an artistic and spiritual level. They can recite, from memory, every Diamond Head lyric. They’ll never forget where they were the day Dennis Stratton left Iron Maiden. These are the folks Manowar are really talking about.
Were all metalheads to simply stay to themselves and not attempt contact with these other groups, things would probably be okay. But, there has been a mixing of the castes over the past decade. Oldbangers have bred with hipsters, Children of Chuck have mixed DNA with Panterites, Ubermenschians have mated with Thomas G Warriors, Metal Kings have blended with Hot Topicers, on and on South of Heaven. Nowadays most of these metalheads openly admit to listening to other genres and even brag about associating with the lower and upper classes. It’s gotten so that almost no one is pure anymore.
This is where eugenics come in (or UGH!genics, to the Thomas G Warriors). The metal community needs to step in and enforce a series of measures designed to keep these groups from diluting the metal in the blood of the best of us. Otherwise, all will be lost.
Step #1: Mandatory Sterilization of All Pantera Fans
These people tend to breed like rabbits. The average Pantera fan has 9.71 children. At this rate, by the year 2030, there will be more Pantera fans than people in Australia, Asia, Europe and South America combined. Pantera genes tend to dominate all other metal genes, so the child of a Panterite and a Metal King will invariably become a Cowboy From Hell. When they begin mixing with other metal fans, the possibility for a “Pantera Population Bomb” where the metal world is only able to support bands that sound like Pantera becomes a very real possibility
Step #2: Deport All of The Lower Metal Classes to Greenland
Here’s how you do it. You build a really big boat. You promise most of them that Metallica will be playing a concert in Greenland where they will do nothing but songs from Kill’em All. You’ll have to explain why this is significant to the Hot Topicers, as they will probably wonder if that means they will play “Until It Sleeps”. Drop them off in Greenland and get out as fast as possible. Occasionally, you can air drop the things they need to survive to them (copies of Spin Magazine for the hipsters, raw meat for the Panterites, and A Day To Remember hoodies for the Hot Topicers).
Step #3 Use Science To Create a Perfect Heavy Metal Being
The human race has yet to evolve to a point where we can scientifically generate perfect beings, but we have to prepare for a day when this is possible. We must make an effort to collect all the DNA from people who purchased the first two Maiden albums on vinyl before 1983 and still have them in pristine condition. We will use that DNA to one day create a Metal Messiah. This Metal Messiah will destroy all those who have false metal blood and lift all those pure in thought and gene to their rightful place as masters of the lower animals. And then, we won’t have to talk to them anymore.
#1 by Fried Chicken And Metal on December 25, 2013 - 4:07 PM
Children Of Chuck, represent!!!
#2 by Keith Spillett on December 25, 2013 - 4:18 PM
#3 by David on December 25, 2013 - 4:24 PM
My genes are almost pure? You’ve got to be kidding. I would have placed myself as a pathetic hipster until nearly passing the Iron Maiden test. For the good of metal, I shall self-select myself out. Too much hipster is dangerous.
#4 by Keith Spillett on December 25, 2013 - 4:36 PM
We have communities for people like yourself. Beautiful tracks of land in Kiev untouched since Chernobyl. You will learn to love it.
#5 by David on December 25, 2013 - 4:38 PM
Excellent! Extra radiation and isolation ought to do the trick.
#6 by Craig Norman on December 25, 2013 - 4:56 PM
Wow. I am only 1 year out from having pure genes. I am very impressed with myself – not an unusual state of affairs – but shall resist the urge to share my DNA with the world this morning, too many things to do.
By the way I have never listened to Pantera and have read at least three piss funny articles in the past week which have convinced me that this was the wisest decision I ever made. This was the best. Loved it.
#7 by Keith Spillett on December 25, 2013 - 5:35 PM
Actually, just to be a complete hypocrite, I really love “Vulgar Display of Power” and “Cowboys from Hell” along with assorted tracks from other records. Pantera fans, however, tend to be the most enjoyable human punchlines ever to walk the earth. Each Pantera shirt should come with a target on the back of it, but, then, why restate the obvious.
#8 by satan on December 25, 2013 - 10:03 PM
#9 by John Erickson on December 25, 2013 - 10:09 PM
I will offer to run your eugenics labs, as I have good computer skills, know both physics and biology, and have a music library that puts KISS at the top of the heavy metal roster. (Wait – I think I have an old AC/DC album in there somewhere.) Then I will happily take up residence as handyman-at-large in your scenic Chernobyl facility, as I understand that the radiation will burn off the large quantities of jet exhaust I inhaled while living in Chicago, thus ensuring a life span of at least two centuries.
Or, I can just call the mothership to pick me up….
#10 by Keith Spillett on December 26, 2013 - 4:02 PM
You say that stuff about Kiss around the wrong metalhead (particularly the Oldbangers), they will be at your house at 3 AM with torches. Those people are like lice.
#11 by John Erickson on December 26, 2013 - 4:48 PM
Wait – you’re saying THEY will come to ME, bringing firewood? KISS RULES! KISS RULES! KISS RULES!
(That should get me enough wood for the rest of the winter. 😀 )
#12 by Ms. Pibb on December 26, 2013 - 1:01 AM
Does Blak Dan own a duvet?
#13 by Keith Spillett on December 26, 2013 - 4:00 PM
Only one. Which is referred to as an Oyveh.
#14 by InfernalDarkness on December 26, 2013 - 12:57 PM
I agree with 99% of this except one of the last parts, where you accidentally listed the NWOBHM crowd above the Black Metal Elite. I demand a retraction.
#15 by Keith Spillett on December 26, 2013 - 3:59 PM
We’ve gotten some flack on this one and I will concur that Black Metal people’s blood seem to have much more metal in it currently. However, the basic theory of heavy metal is that if something has been around longer and it rocks it must be better than the thing that hasn’t been around as long.
Also, the head size of black metal fans tend to be slightly larger and more oblong denoting some issue that I, as only an amateur phrenologist, cannot detect but am fearful of. Were I able to measure the head sizes of all Nordic peoples in relation to black metal artists, I believe I could give you a more accurate answer to this scientific dilemma.
#16 by InfernalDarkness on December 26, 2013 - 5:32 PM
You must be thinking of the Dimmu Borgir and Cradle of Filth fans. Make no mistake: They do not belong among us. If anything, they should be placed somewhere in between the Hot Topic kids and the Hispters. It seems only fitting, especially since you have already invoked Liturgy and Deafheaven in the article. **shudder**
#17 by Nurav on December 27, 2013 - 2:44 PM
Do the grim & true sons of Mother North get a lifetime in Sudnanian summer for their horrible crimes against the English language?
#18 by Keith Spillett on December 27, 2013 - 4:19 PM
Unfortunately, they probably just get another record deal.
#19 by Mirkin Firkin on December 29, 2013 - 6:52 PM
So, this post is “Thus Spake Zarathustra”?
#20 by Keith Spillett on December 30, 2013 - 9:52 AM
I actually did that one already….
#21 by Dabajabaza on January 14, 2014 - 9:00 PM
I would have been and oldbanger, but I’m not old.