The Tyranny of Tradition

Tyler Moments After Saving A School Bus Filled With 5,000 Children From Drowning After A Crash In The Andes Mountains

Most people incorrectly perceive the world of rock’n’roll as a carnival of demented, brainless narcissists willing to claw their grandmother’s eyeballs out for ten seconds of media attention.  While this is true about 99 percent of the time, there are some artists out there who quietly work to make the world a better place.  One such person is Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler.

Beyond writing some of the most moving and powerful rock songs of the 1980s and 90s, Tyler is a compassionate man who believes it is his sole purpose in life to give of himself to others.  From negotiating an end to the Eritrean-Ethiopian War in 2000, to risking his life while singlehandedly saving a raft filled with burning puppies and kittens that were about to go over a 600 foot waterfall in Ghana, to donating his colon and lower intestines to a group of needy children in Laos, Tyler has truly made a difference in this world.

That’s why it was no surprise when Tyler made the ultimate sacrifice by canceling Aerosmith’s scheduled concert last Friday at The Cow Palace in San Francisco. Tyler did so in order to honor the dying wish of Brian McCloud, a terminally ill man who passed away on Wednesday after a yearlong battle with Moosebumps.  McCloud, who always despised Aerosmith’s music and Tyler in particular, wanted more than anything else to stop another group of concertgoers from having to endure horrendous live versions of “Janie’s Got A Gun” and “Love In An Elevator”.

“If I could do one thing to make the earth a better place, it would be to save the eardrums of a group of strangers from the vomit-inducing sounds that fall out of Steven Tyler’s bloated, pig mouth….even just for one night,” said McCloud as his last breath escaped his body.

Tyler was so moved by McCloud’s plea he initially agreed to have his voicebox removed and buried with McCloud, but later reneged on this offer when the family of the deceased implied that it might be in poor taste.  Instead, he will have his tongue stapled to his forehead as an act of contrition for subjecting the public to almost 30 years of misery.  Tyler plans to play less shows next year to honor McCloud’s memory.

“When you hear about a guy and he’s, like, on his deathbed, pleading for you to stop singing and literally tries to strangle the male nurse by his bedside in his last moments because he thinks it might be you….That’s powerful, man.  That hits you right here (pointing to chest).   You really see how your music can touch people’s lives,” said a misty-eyed Tyler during his daily hot yoga session.