Thus Spoke BlaK Dan

(translated from the original grunts and pig noises by Walter Kaufmann)

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I.

When BlaK Dan had turned 37, he put down his autographed Burzum album collection and left the comfort of his basement and went into the mountains.  He was alone.  He waited for the one pure note to emerge from his body, uncontaminated with the essence of those creatures he had survived being around all these years.  He did not tire of the solitude, for it is all he had ever wished for.  But, at last, a change came over his heart, and one morning he rose with the dawn, stepped before the sun, and spoke to it thus:

“You great star, what would your happiness be if you realized you had to shine on all those who rest below you?  If you realized that your light was illuminating the way for others, would you not extinguish yourself in a lake of tears?”

“Behold, I am weary of my own purity.  These chumps at the bottom of the mountain, they spend their time waxing poetic about how much weight Snooki lost and what Jessie James Dupree will do for an encore.  Even the ones that try to be pure of the world end up owning Metallica’s Reload on vinyl.”

“Bless the cup that wants to overflow and drown those at the bottom of this mountain with the righteous torrent of nothingness.  For I am BlaK Dan and I am full of emptiness!”

II.

BlaK Dan descended down the mountain and came upon and old man.  The old man was wearing a Dio shirt.  Blak Dan sneered.

“It has been a long time since you passed this way, BlaK Dan.  The last time I saw you, you were carrying the ashes of the church burned by Samoth.  Do you fear that arsonists do not get all the girls?”

“Out of my way, you old fool.  I have no time for your false metal jokes or your tales of pits gone by.  I have no time for women.  Nor men for that matter.  I have a world to cleanse of humanity.  For I am BlaK Dan, and I have come to philosophize with the blastbeat.”

III.

When BlaK Dan arrived at the next town, he found many people gathered together in the market place; for it had been promised that Black Sabbath would be performing a cover of N’Sync’s “Tearin’ Up My Heart”.  And BlaK Dan spoke thus to the people:

“I teach you the Overman! For you people are something that is to be overcome! Ten years, ten long years, I sat in that cave at the top of the mountain pondering how to escape you forever.  For even ten years of solitude couldn’t cure me of the memories of watching you simple-minded beasts jump from trend to trend in the name of impressing other people with your metalness.  Well, I am here to tell you that I am the most metal.  And I know this, because I am the most empty.”

“Behold, I cannot stomach any of you anymore, so I teach you the Overman.  This one time I will tell you how to live correctly.  Because I am bored.  You will probably ignore it, because you are animals.  But, at least at the end of your sorry, pitful existences, I can proudly tower over your coffin, telling anyone who will listen “I told you so!”  But they will not listen either.  Because they too are morons.”

“A polluted stream is metal and you donkeys lap it up as if it were the best thing you’ve ever tasted.  One must be completely empty of all moisture to truly be metal.  And I know, because I have emptied myself of all that is moist.  All that is caring.  All that is kind.  I spit in the face of all that come to me seeking solace.  I turn my back on humanity.  I have emptied myself of melody.  Of harmony.  Of style.  Of substance. I am the Overman, because I am Post-Everything!”

IV.

“And you say, ‘But what of God?’  And I say “God is dead!  There is only me.”  And you say, ‘But what of the joy music brings?’  And I say, ‘But what of the mud a pig wallows in.  If the pig is happy, is that mud, in fact, holy?’”

“Once the sin against God was the greatest sin; but God died and now you’re stuck trying to piece together who you are from a bunch of copies of Slayer records.  And so you replace your old God with Slayer and perform the same old silly rituals, only this time with the knowledge that you are a unique and clever fellow.  You jump up and down and repeat evil words and think you are something special.  You are no different than the idiots who came before you.  The only difference is you buy more stuff.”

“You ask me what meaning has life.  It is a contest that is already over.  I got there first.  You lose.  Sucker.  For you are still winding your way through Megadeth’s early discography and I am on Z.  I have heard it all.  I have done it all.  That which I haven’t done isn’t worth doing anyway.  I have come to the end of the road.  You are a bunch of pimply-faced kids trying out your death stare on old people in the mall.  I am the end point of history.”

V.

Then, something happened that made every mouth gape open and every finger point.  A cute puppy wandered into the center of the courtyard.  The adorable animal jumped up and startled an infant.  The infant giggled wildly.  People pulled out their phones in order to record what was left of this magic moment and send it to thousands of different people all over the world.  Finally, after all the commotion had died down they turned back to BlaK Dan.  They all had forgotten what he was saying.

VI.

BlaK Dan left the town muttering under his breath.  He found an uncomfortable place to sleep and lay down for what seemed like a thousand hours.  At last, however, his eyes opened and gazed into the distance.  He rose quickly, like a drunkard whose CD player had begun skipping, and announced to no one in particular that he had discovered a new truth.

“An insight has come to me:  ‘People are perishable!’  Sure, everything about them disgusts me.  They always want to play you the songs they like and use your mini-refrigerator to store food.  They ramble on and on about useless ideas.  They make funny noises.  They smack their food when the chew.  They fall asleep during the best part of Headbanger’s Ball.  Will it not be better when they are all dead?”

“But I did not pay attention in Biology class, so I know not how to create a plague to wipe them all away.  And I have neither the training nor the patience to seek out members of terrorist cells.  And I have not the time nor the funding to buy weapons grade uranium.  But I know this one thing.  Eventually, they will all die.  Sure, I too will die, and that will be a sad day, but I can take comfort in the thought that the rest of them will experience a fate at least as bad as my own, in some cases worse.”

“Some may outlive me, yes, but they too will eventually yield to their own mortality.  Everyone on this earth will be dead at some point.  Maybe even soon.  As I ascend back to the top of the mountain to look down upon this tainted world, I can finally rest in the knowledge that no one ever gets what they want from life and it all ends brutally.”

“Life is a curse of which I hope they are soon cured.  But, until then, they can have their dumb little lives.  Let them bounce from one dumb crisis to another.  Let them anxiously wait by their computers for news on who will be playing drums on the next Doro Pesch record.  Let them get worked up over what Dave Mustaine thinks about the customer service at Men’s Warehouse.  I am cured.  It no longer matters.  They are dead to me.”

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on March 11, 2013 - 8:50 AM

    It saddens me that people fall asleep during the closing credits of Headbanger’s Ball, for if they’d have crashed two hours earlier, their time would’ve been better spent…

  2. #2 by victoriagrimalkin on March 11, 2013 - 4:08 PM

    Guess I’ll go listen to some Slayer.

  3. #3 by Dave on March 12, 2013 - 7:11 AM

    Somebody’s been watching The Bible on the History Channel…

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on March 12, 2013 - 7:21 AM

      Actually, it’s Nietzsche week at the local Chuckie Cheese. Got me thinkin’.

  4. #5 by mirkinfirkin on March 12, 2013 - 10:32 AM

    Interesting to see what the orangutan’s soul really looked like – talk about inner beauty!

    • #6 by Keith Spillett on March 13, 2013 - 6:02 AM

      Yeah! Well, the good news is he eventual becomes much more human.

  5. #7 by Nurav on March 13, 2013 - 12:23 AM

    This is a fantastic read.

  6. #9 by panzerchrist on April 5, 2013 - 8:08 AM

    Some ones been reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Or at least the first chapters.

    • #10 by Keith Spillett on April 6, 2013 - 8:03 AM

      What gave it away?

      • #11 by John Nelson on May 30, 2013 - 8:24 AM

        The fact that Walter Kaufmann translated it. He’s such a Nietzsche fanboy, it’s a bit embarrassing to read.

      • #12 by Keith Spillett on May 30, 2013 - 8:38 AM

        I know…RIGHT!

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