Iron Maiden Plans “The Least of The Beast” 2013 Tour; Will Play All Songs People Hate

The greatest band in the known universe is about to reinvent the idea of a tour.  After Iron Maiden concludes their highly awaited “Maiden England 2012 Tour” they plan to go back out on the road and play the worst songs from their nearly 35 year catalogue.  According to singer Bruce Dickinson, “Iron Maiden has always been on the cutting edge of heavy metal.  What is more cutting edge then making people pay 85 dollars to see a bunch of songs that they can’t stand?!?”

Maiden plans to dust off some of the most cringe inducing songs from their catalog including Weekend Warrior, Holy Smoke, Chains of Misery, 2 AM, The Apparition and Blood On The World’s Hands.  They plan to open with Hooks in You, a song so bad that it has been linked to the self-immolation of 12 monks over the past 5 years.  In the hopes to incite the audience into riot-like fits of rage they plan on playing Sheriff of Huddersfield, Roll Over Vic Vella and Nodding Donkey Blues, three b-sides they have never bothered to play live before.  They plan on closing the set with Bring Your Daughter…To The Slaughter, the song that won them the Razzie for Worst Song from a Movie in 1989 (from A Nightmare on Elm Street:  Part 5).

In keeping with their more “progressive” recent style of song writing, they plan to keep every song to a minimum of eight minutes long.  Instead of adding intricate soloing or creating a novel new arrangement, they will simply repeat the same chorus over and over for five additional minutes per song.  If the audience has not ingested full vats of cyanide laced Kool-Aid by the middle of the show, the 19-minute version of The Angel and The Gambler should push them over the edge.

What could possibly top that setlist?  How about an encore where they play the entire new Final Frontier album.  Twice.  Along with a 12-minute Bruce Dickinson monologue about the joys of flying backed by Janick Gers playing harmonica.  It should be a night few will soon forget.

The band plans on releasing a Least of The Beast album featuring their worst songs in tandem with the tour.  They also will be releasing six new DVDs in the next year, including Bus 666 disc detailing the bands trip through Central Florida on a Greyhound Bus back in 1981 and Meal 666, where the audience can have the rare treat of watching Bruce Dickinson eat a steak dinner.  Nap 666, featuring Dave Murray sleeping for two hours, is scheduled for release in 2014.

(Thanks to Brutal Brad, Metal Matt, Jive Time Jimmy Camiby, Nansen Von Deathmetal and Corporal Punishment in the Tyranny of Tradition Research Department for your help breaking this important story)

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on February 22, 2012 - 12:32 PM

    My ticket just arrived in the mail today!!! “Let her go.. let her go… let her go!!!!!”

  2. #2 by Joe Linker on February 23, 2012 - 1:50 AM

    Keith: Continue to enjoy your blog, though I must confess that I sometimes wonder if I’m missing some irony. I’m not all that familiar with some of the bands you mention. Nevertheless, I thought I’d write and recommend a film I saw sometime ago about a heavy metal band from Iraq. I think it’s a great film: http://www.heavymetalinbaghdad.com/blog.php
    Have you seen it? If not, you might take a look.

  3. #3 by Joan Hamilton on February 23, 2012 - 10:36 AM

    I guess they will have to see how ridiculous this will be. I would not pay $85 to see any band and not being an Iron Maiden fan I sure wouldn’t pay to see them do songs I didn’t like.

  4. #5 by Charlotte Harlotte on February 23, 2012 - 5:21 PM

    As an IM fan – this is HILARIOUS.

    • #6 by Keith Spillett on February 23, 2012 - 5:33 PM

      I’m a huge fan myself! I’m glad you enjoyed it. This satire came from a place of deep esteem and endearment. I feel so close to their music, poking a little fun at them felt natural.

      • #7 by Charlotte Harlotte on February 29, 2012 - 1:22 AM

        Please do more!! And they’re so well written – a number of people think they’re true. Especially the Santorum one from a while back. Man did that get people worked up!
        Cheers!

  5. #8 by John Erickson on February 23, 2012 - 7:22 PM

    Well, they may play sucky songs, but they still have their pride. Motley Crue just kissed theirs goodbye with an appearance in a KIA commercial, fer cryin’ out loud! Yeah, there are babes in bikinis and what not, but c’mon! KIA? What – did Yugo turn down their phone call? 😉 😀

  6. #9 by Linda Beverdam on April 25, 2012 - 6:53 AM

    Hello,
    I have a question? Next yaer (sept.2013) my hosband cellebreat his 50e birthday. I will enjoy him with a concert of Irion Maiden (he’s a Trouper) and a big fan of Bruce Dickinson!! We live in Holland. Is it possible to give me a answer of this tour also come in Holland? thanks, Linda

    • #10 by Keith Spillett on April 25, 2012 - 7:42 AM

      Nope, this tour is not going to be playing anywhere but in the theater of my mind.

  7. #11 by eddie on April 26, 2012 - 9:37 PM

    I’m going to see iron maiden at the jones beach theater on june 27. yesss up the irons.funny article btw

  8. #12 by Kim Plunkett on June 13, 2012 - 8:44 AM

    Love it! Even better would be a whole tour with Blaze Bayley performing the atrocious X-Factor and Virtual XI albums in their entirety……….

    • #13 by Ronny on January 16, 2013 - 11:24 PM

      Sign of the Cross, Fortunes of War, Look for the Truth, The Clansman, and the Educated Fool are all amazing songs. Very underrated albums. If Bruce would have been there for those albums no one would be complaining. I thought Blaze did an admirable job filling in. And the Talisman alone makes Final Frontier worth every penny.

      • #14 by Keith Spillett on December 13, 2013 - 1:54 AM

        I love Educated Fool. I thought I was the only one.

  9. #15 by gjergj shoshi on June 18, 2012 - 12:01 PM

    you will never made any more like “somewhere in time” album even if you try hard ! years go by and your sunset is coming ! sorry dear friends ! my favorite band during artistic lyceum is in decline !

  10. #16 by alvaro on July 25, 2012 - 3:49 PM

    Hope your joking but knowing Iron Maiden, its probably true.

  11. #17 by mitch on August 10, 2012 - 10:48 PM

    you know i like all those songs!! angel and the gambler for 19 minutes??? score!! bring back blaze and do a duo!

  12. #18 by PayneXIII on August 17, 2012 - 10:37 AM

    I can’t wait I’m excited about the nap 666, and Metal 666 will always be watched during dinner, up the irons

  13. #19 by Nash Knight on August 22, 2012 - 8:45 AM

    WTF?? All those songs are awesome, I’d pay good money to see that concert. If they wanted to play their worst song, the should play the last two albums.

  14. #20 by arkyhalo on September 1, 2012 - 12:57 AM

    Can’t wait for the blu-ray version of Nap 666, I heard a rumor from Paul Di’anno, through friends of Clive Burr, citing Dennis Stratton, that in the extras of Nap 666, there’s a clip of Murray sleep guitaring the solo of Phantom of the Opera!

  15. #22 by nate on October 17, 2012 - 2:08 PM

    I wont lie, many of the songs the mentioned i am a big of them, especially Holy Smoke and Bring Your Daughter.

    • #23 by Tiffany on October 24, 2012 - 7:57 PM

      Is this for real?

  16. #24 by Every Record Tells A Story on January 13, 2013 - 11:34 AM

    Brilliant: As ever…

  17. #26 by Heavy Metal Overload on January 13, 2013 - 4:10 PM

    Do you honestly mean they’re not going to play Mother Russia?! FFS… I’ll be asking for my money back…

    • #27 by Keith Spillett on January 14, 2013 - 2:13 PM

      I’ve always kind of liked that song a little bit. Public Enema #1 is my favorite tune on that album, so my judgement is a bit suspect.

      • #28 by Heavy Metal Overload on January 14, 2013 - 2:45 PM

        I did really like Public Enema and Fates Warning. I always hated Mother Russia though! I thought it was embarassing. Guess it won’t be making the set-list then 😦

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