Posts Tagged Hipsters
In the face of ongoing gentrification, Brooklyn-based act Biohazard is now forced to qualify ongoing lyrical references to their formerly notorious hometown.
“There was a time when you could just say ‘Brooklyn!’ to invoke being a hard-ass that won’t take crap from anybody,” sighed guitarist Billy Graziadei, “but now we gotta be extra clear on which parts we’re talking about, or we’ll look like a bunch of jackasses.”
Indeed, many districts in Brooklyn have become renowned for housing some of the largest enclaves of hipsters and upwardly mobile urban youth in all of North America. The band’s depictions of blight and violence have been replaced by a proliferation of coffee bars and Urban Outfitters storefronts in areas that were previously fertile ground for Biohazard’s videos, album covers, and lyrics.
“We have a new song called ‘Back on the Streets (not Williamsburg)’, that talks about life in Brooklyn, specifically the eastern side heading towards Ozone Park,” said Graziadei, shaking his head. “It’s still pretty brutal over there, though nobody knows it because they’re shopping at their stupid thrift stores in Brooklyn Heights. We also have a scary one called ‘A Day in Bushwick’, because you know that area is still pretty hairy. Then again, I hear they recently got an American Apparel outlet. Oh my God, we’re so screwed!”
Indeed, the once-fearsome foursome from the wrong side of the tracks now finds their lyrics completely hampered with overly-specific descriptions and disclaimers of their previously forsaken borough.
I’m on the run/and I need a new gun
Talkin’ about Brooklyn – no, the other one
When you’re s— outta luck/and you don’t give a f—
And that don’t include the parts that got a Starbucks
With all the upswing of commerce and rising property values, it seems that Biohazard are among the few Brooknites who are suffering. Whenever the band plays classics like “Urban Discipline” or “Tales from the Hardside”, their harrowing portrayals of Brooklyn is often met with incredulous laughter from those who were too young to remember when the entire area was an urban death maze.
Graziadei continued, “We get people coming up to us going, ‘Are the hipsters really that dangerous?’ or ‘I guess you guys have seen some serious s— go down in those fair-trade coffee shops’. Jesus Christ.”
Ultimately, it may be the end of the line for bands that trade off the bad reputation of their hometowns. Crime rates have lowered across the nation, and city centers are being reclaimed by upwardly mobile young people and large developers.
“The entire north side is undergoing a tree-planting project,” exclaimed the increasingly agitated guitarist. “Trees! In Brooklyn? Used the be the only planting we did was putting bodies in the ground, you know what I’m saying? I can’t write about urban renewal!”
At press time, the band has announced plans to relocate to the Bronx.
I woke up about two months ago with a wolverine on my porch. I think it was a wolverine. I can’t really tell. It is a horrifying beast that smells like dead otters. When I found it, it looked cute enough. Whoever left it for me put it in a basket with a blanket around it like it was a baby. However, the minute I took it into my home it went berserk destroying my entire Manowar vinyl collection and the Mille Petrozza velvet painting I had commissioned during a particularly serious Kreator listening binge. I call the thing The Freon Neonate.
The first issue that needed to be addressed was finding it food. I tried microwave pizzas, guacamole dip, Cheetos, Lysol, pepper spray….but it wanted no part of those things. I picked up some groundhogs from the pet store and it seemed to like those much better. They are expensive. One groundhog is about fifteen bucks. Way too much to spend to feed this thing regularly.
My problem was solved about two weeks ago when I took the thing for a walk to the park up the street from me. The Freon Neonate spotted a hipster Jehovah’s Witness knocking on a door in our neighborhood and went wild. He snapped the leash I was walking him with and, in what seemed a matter of seconds, retracted its jaws consumed a hipster five times his size. It was incredible. Nothing was left. Bones, horned-rimmed glasses, Converse sneakers, beard, Elvis Costello tee-shirt, Watchtower magazines….gone.
I wasn’t sure if it liked hipsters or Jehovah’s Witnesses. I fed both to The Freon Neonate. While it barely touched the Witness, gnawing briefly on her arms before losing interest, it sucked down the hipster like it hadn’t eaten in months. It even polished off her Hello Kitty vintage purse in two bites. Problem solved. All I needed to do to keep it healthy was go down to Little Five Points every few days, bag a fresh hipster and we were set.
After a while, I found The Freon Neonate was getting bored. It would lie on its side in its cage for hours making terrible howling noises and horrifying the neighbors. I decided that I would try to teach it English. Its language abilities aren’t bad for a wolverine. It had learned enough to communicate on a basic level by the beginning of August, but we had both got sick of the didactic nature of the lessons pretty quickly. We needed a new challenge.
That’s when I decided to give it a chance to do album reviews for Tyranny of Tradition. I called up Nuclear Blast’s PR department to see if I could get one promotional copy of the new Carcass album for The Freon Neonate to review. They immediately sent me 127 copies of the CD along with a wolverine sized “Surgical Steel” tee shirt. I threw the CD in immediately. Here is how the creature responded to each of the songs.
1985-The Freon Neonate was staring off into space when the album came on, but immediately began to pace back and forth nervously. Halfway through the track it started howling in a perverted attempt to mock Bill Steer’s guitar tone.
Thrasher’s Abattoir-The quick beginning to the song startled the animal. It began thrashing its body against the bars wailing louder and louder.
Cadaver Pouch Conveyor System-The wailing continued reaching its crescendo halfway through this tune. Then, the animal began to say “Gooooooood. Goooooood. BLERGHYPHERB!!!! GOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!”
A Congealed Clot of Blood-It didn’t seem to like this one as much. For the first minute, it bobbed its head, but it lost interest and began to lick its own feet.
The Master Butcher’s Apron-Something in this song made the wolverine unhappy. “EHHHHHHHH…..NO SONG GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD…..GLERPHICKLUHR!!!!!!” With 2:30 left, it gnawed through the bars and began a rampage through the house, breaking furniture and dishes.
Noncompliance to ASTM F899-12 Standard-I spent most of this song chasing the animal around and was unable to take notes. Great tune, but beyond smashing a vase that belonged to my Aunt Penelope, I can’t tell you much about the animal’s reaction.
The Granulating Dark Satanic Mills-Satiated in its desire to destroy things and chewing on the fingers of some kid with an MGMT that I found down at the local mission, the animal was finally able to relax and enjoy the magnificence of this utterly amazing song. We both agreed on this as the best song on the album.
Unfit For Human Consumption, 316 L Grade Surgical Steel, Captive Bolt Piston-I was, again, unable to record any response as the animal had nodded off while enjoying the sedating effect of eating hipster fingers. It seemed happy enough, but I don’t want to speculate as to the animal’s views on the songs based on its snoring.
Mount of Execution-It came out of its comatose state during the acoustic guitar intro and began to howl:
Without knowing the animal’s opinion on the last few Megadeth albums, I was unable to figure out whether this was an endorsement or a criticism.
In an event that has raised international tensions between hipsters and metalheads, a crew of bearded, shaggy hipsters attempted to set hijack the 70,000 tons of metal tour boat yesterday. They were beaten severely by many of the passengers and apprehended by police at the end of the cruise. The Hipster Terrorists demanded an immediate end to “songs with cookie monster vocals” and “more songs that talk about what it’s like to feel left out.” After about 20 minutes of this, enraged metalheads, led by Tankard vocalist Andreas Geremia, stormed the terrorists, taking their weapons and curb stomping four of them.
Hipster Terrorist leader Sheik Jasper Thelonius Monk claimed, through a mouth full of broken teeth, that this was the beginning of a series of “ironic terrorist attacks”. The attack, meant to be homage to the Achille Lauro hijacking in the 1980s, failed almost immediately when the metalheads realized that the hipsters were scrawny and weak. “Between the 15 of them, they had to weigh one member of Crowbar,” said Annihilator guitarist Jeff Waters, who beat several hipsters bloody with his Epiphone Annihilation-V Flying V guitar.
The Hipsters had planned to hold the ship hostage until the cruise directors agreed to allow Cobra Starship to play a 12-hour concert on the main deck. They also demanded the ship be taken to “some country where the art of Banksy and Spin Magazine are taken more seriously.” They implored their hostages to stop being sucked into the madness of consumer capitalism and shop at Urban Outfitters. The terrorists, who all had high powered AK-47 assault rifles and copies of recent books by Chuck Klosterman, were taken without a shot being fired.
Hipster terrorism is on the rise in America over the last few months. Other, less notable attacks, included holding MTV executives hostage until they played an hour straight of Vampire Weekend videos and forcing Venom to play an entire concert with out of tune instruments. However, CIA officials are not concerned. Veteran CIA agent John Nash stated in a recent interview that the “hipster terrorist phenomena will not last long. Once they realize other people are doing it, they’ll stop immediately and start hating terrorism. They’re not all that hard to figure out.”
Still, this attack could cause a major problem between rival hipster and metalhead factions. Metal Secretary of Defense and Manowar bassist Joey DeMaio believes that there is war on the horizon and that The Army of True Metal will be victorious. “If you want to know what the future looks like,” said DeMaio in a press conference this morning, “imagine a boot stepping on a hipsters face over and over again while me and the boys play “The Gods Made Heavy Metal”.