Posts Tagged Kim Jong Un

North Korean Leader Regrets Decision To Let Metallica Producer Bob Rock Launch Rocket Into Space

 

Former Metallica producer Bob Rock just can’t seem to stay away from trouble.  Since being credited as the producer of Metallica’s St. Anger, an album which many experts believe sounds slightly worse than the noises made by a kitten being thrown into a blender, Rock has been involved in several high profile failures.  The worst of these disasters came last week when the Kwangmyŏngsŏng-3, a rocket built by Rock and his team of scientists, exploded and crashed into the Yellow Sea near Gunsan, South Korea.

Rock, who has no formal training as a scientist or a satellite technician, impressed North Korean leader Kim Jong Un with his work on Motley Crue’s Billboard #1 album Dr. Feelgood along with five progressively less interesting Metallica albums.  Un was amazed by Rock’s ability to take a talented band and suck the life and joy out of their work, reducing them to a tattered shell of their former selves.  He initially hired Rock in 2009 to produce a record by his thrash band Gulag Face.  Gulag Face’s debut record “Setting Baby Ducks On Fire With Mayonnaise” sold over 15 copies and became the top selling album in North Korean history.

Rock’s work with Gulag Face so impressed Un so that when he became the country’s leader in 2011, he was hired to run North Korea’s entire missile program.  Rock immediately set out to reduce the intelligence of his team of North Korean scientists by forcing them to listen to Loverboy’s seminal 1981 record “Get Lucky” twice a day for four months.  From exposure to this album, the average IQ score of these scientists dropped from 134 to 78.

Rock also tried to focus the scientists on creating a more commercial, “radio-friendly” rocket, whose technology could be understood by anyone.  This led to his fateful decision to hold the missile together with rubber bands and Elmer’s glue.

Un claims that Rock’s “shenanigans” have left a permanent scar on North Korea’s image.  He has distanced himself from Rock, who will no longer be able to eat for free at North Korea’s only Sizzler restaurant as punishment for his failure.  In order to repair the nation’s embarrassing reputation, Un has hired Rick Rubin to take control of the program and get it back on its feet again.

Rock has had a difficult stretch since he left the Metallica camp.  Before he helmed the North Korean program, Rock was hired to produce and direct Will Ferrell’s “Land of The Lost” film, which lost a near record 100 million dollars at the box office.  In 2010, Rock served as the Boston Red Sox pitching coach and was cited as a major reason the team collapsed in one of the most horrendous Septembers in baseball history.  He was fired immediately after the season.

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Dennis Rodman’s Million Dollar A Month Heavy Metal Habit

As rumors of NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman’s possible bankruptcy fill the news, recent court documents have revealed that his collection of heavy metal albums may be a major factor in his current financial crisis.  Rodman, who is believed to owe hundreds of thousands of dollars to his ex-wife, apparently averaged spending 1.3 million dollars a month purchasing metal records over the past three years.

Rodman’s mind-boggling collection takes up two-thirds of his Malibu estate.  It features a mountain of great metal treasures from original vinyl pressings of Iron Maiden’s “The Soundhouse Tapes” to numbered collectors editions of the first ten Judas Priest albums.

Some experts claim that he overvalued many items and paid ridiculous sums for them.  For example, Rodman spent 40,000 dollars on two copies of the recent Morbid Angel IIud Divinum Insanus Wooden Box Set.  The set, which included a red 180 gram copy of the record, a leather bound CD edition and two red candles, was valued at 199 dollars.  He also spent 130,000 dollars to purchase all six hundred and sixty six copies of the Marduk-Panzer Division Set, valued at 40 dollars per copy.

Rodman was duped into purchasing many “autographed” albums that were fraudulent.  For example, Rodman paid 10,000 dollars for a vinyl copy of Anthrax “Among The Living” that was signed by Johnny Belladonna, clearly not the singer from Anthrax.  He also paid 30,000 dollars for a copy of Danzig III:  How The Gods Kill.  The album was autographed by Glen Danzig, a misspelled version of the singer’s name (which has two n’s).

Rodman even purchased European versions of albums that did not actually exist.  He paid 800,000 for one of the supposed 12 copies of Dimmu Borgir’s “Morbid Fascist Iconoclast”, a demo that the band was believed to have recorded in 1989 (four years before they were actually formed).

In spite of the problems, Rodman’s collection is still a sight to behold.  Imagine a record store with everything from Anacrusis to Znowhite.  Rodman has entire rooms dedicated to genres and sub-genres.  His NWOBH metal room, complete with life-sized photos of Steve Harris and Rob Halford, is located right down the hallway from his thrash room, which features a stuffed and mounted fake heads of Chuck Billy, Steve “Zetro” Souza, and Nuclear Assault’s John Connelly on the wall.

For a brief stretch, he even had the real Paulo Jr. from Sepultura living in a caged room in near the garage.  Paulo was kidnapped by a group of Hamas agents and sold to Rodman for 150,000 dollars.  He managed to escape Rodman’s collection by gnawing through the bars when Rodman was on a weekend vacation in the Bahamas.

Rodman did, for a brief moment, consider selling his collection.  It is, after all, valued at over 8.7 million dollars and would set him up securely for the rest of his life.  But Rodman believed that selling his collection might make him a poser, so he quickly shelved the idea.  He has instead, considered selling one or both of his kidneys in order to get himself back on firm financial footing.

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Varg Vikernes Creates Secret Weather Control Device; Threatens to Destroy World

After his recent release from prison for the murder of Mayhem frontman Euronymous, Varg Vikernes seemed to be saying all the right things.  He was going to retire to a quiet life where he would write music for his band Burzum and work patiently in his garden on his prized daffodils.

He had become a devout reader of Nicholas Sparks novels, particularly “The Notebook” which he called “the most bittersweet, poignant tale of young love he had ever encountered”.  He had bought a farm just north of Trondheim where he planned to work with sick goats and even open a petting zoo for young children.

People had thought that the bizarre, horrifying saga of Varg was finally coming to a quiet end.   They were wrong.

Last Wednesday, Varg sent a letter to the Sandefjord Daily Examiner, claiming that since his release in March 2009 he has been secretly working on a weather control device that could “rain the fury of the gods upon our world.”  The device, which he referred to as Odin’s Hammer, is capable of creating tornadoes and hurricanes, along with other types of obscure and bizarre weather events.

As a show of its strength, on Monday Varg claimed to have caused the freak blizzard that covered Riyadh, Saudi Arabia with 12 inches of snow.  He also claimed responsibility for the freak frog storm that interrupted Saturday’s football match between Manchester United and Liverpool.  “I’ve shown you I can make frogs fall from the sky,” said Varg in a letter released on Sunday, “you will bow down before me…..YOUR BLACK METAL GOD.”

Interpol has been tracking Varg since the first message made it to the newspapers.  Several sources claim that he has slipped out of Norway and hidden in North Korea under the protection of the slightly bloated leader of that nation, Kim Jong Un.

Another source claims that Varg had originally offered to sell the device to Iran for 100 million dollars, but decided against it when he learned that several prominent Iranian clerics preferred more mainstream black metal bands like Dimmu Borgir.

Varg claims he will not use Odin’s Hammer if several demands are immediately met.  The list of demands range from the slightly bizarre to the unbelievably ridiculous.  First of all, he wants a fleet of 200 World War 2 Sherman Tanks at his disposal at all times.  He has asked that Wednesday be renamed Heimdall, in honor of the Norse God whose horn will announce the end of the world.  He demanded a worldwide ban on the use of ukuleles.

Finally, he asked for the ruins of the Roman Coliseum to be filled with 500,000 pounds of gluten-free cupcakes.  Authorities are confused by Varg’s request and some believe that it is possible that these requests might, in fact, be signs of mental illness.

In America, one of the targets for potential attack named by Varg in his last letter, responses were mixed.  Several prominent politicians called for an immediate program creating billions of dollars in subsidies to corporations that create gluten free cupcakes.

However, some politicians, like former Presidential candidate Scott Walker were not impressed with Varg’s threats.  “We all know that it is impossible for human actions to affect the weather.  That’s just preposterous,” said Walker in Wednesday’s interview on The Sean Hannity Show.

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