Former Metallica producer Bob Rock just can’t seem to stay away from trouble. Since being credited as the producer of Metallica’s St. Anger, an album which many experts believe sounds slightly worse than the noises made by a kitten being thrown into a blender, Rock has been involved in several high profile failures. The worst of these disasters came last week when the Kwangmyŏngsŏng-3, a rocket built by Rock and his team of scientists, exploded and crashed into the Yellow Sea near Gunsan, South Korea.
Rock, who has no formal training as a scientist or a satellite technician, impressed North Korean leader Kim Jong Un with his work on Motley Crue’s Billboard #1 album Dr. Feelgood along with five progressively less interesting Metallica albums. Un was amazed by Rock’s ability to take a talented band and suck the life and joy out of their work, reducing them to a tattered shell of their former selves. He initially hired Rock in 2009 to produce a record by his thrash band Gulag Face. Gulag Face’s debut record “Setting Baby Ducks On Fire With Mayonnaise” sold over 15 copies and became the top selling album in North Korean history.
Rock’s work with Gulag Face so impressed Un so that when he became the country’s leader in 2011, he was hired to run North Korea’s entire missile program. Rock immediately set out to reduce the intelligence of his team of North Korean scientists by forcing them to listen to Loverboy’s seminal 1981 record “Get Lucky” twice a day for four months. From exposure to this album, the average IQ score of these scientists dropped from 134 to 78.
Rock also tried to focus the scientists on creating a more commercial, “radio-friendly” rocket, whose technology could be understood by anyone. This led to his fateful decision to hold the missile together with rubber bands and Elmer’s glue.
Un claims that Rock’s “shenanigans” have left a permanent scar on North Korea’s image. He has distanced himself from Rock, who will no longer be able to eat for free at North Korea’s only Sizzler restaurant as punishment for his failure. In order to repair the nation’s embarrassing reputation, Un has hired Rick Rubin to take control of the program and get it back on its feet again.
Rock has had a difficult stretch since he left the Metallica camp. Before he helmed the North Korean program, Rock was hired to produce and direct Will Ferrell’s “Land of The Lost” film, which lost a near record 100 million dollars at the box office. In 2010, Rock served as the Boston Red Sox pitching coach and was cited as a major reason the team collapsed in one of the most horrendous Septembers in baseball history. He was fired immediately after the season.
#1 by J Farfort on April 23, 2012 - 3:49 PM
Maybe Bob Rock could have redeemed himself by forcing them to listen to ‘Kilroy was Here’ by Styx. On second thoughts.
#2 by Keith Spillett on April 23, 2012 - 3:50 PM
Yikes!!!! The entire country might have collapsed if they had to listen to that.
#3 by Isus on April 23, 2012 - 4:27 PM
Oh man I haven’t laughed this much and so sweet for a long time.
#4 by Isus on April 23, 2012 - 4:28 PM
Oh bloody hell so much typo’s. YIkes!
#5 by danieljames86 on April 23, 2012 - 4:32 PM
#6 by John Erickson on April 23, 2012 - 5:38 PM
What do you call a North Korean satellite 2 minutes after launch? A submarine! (Rimshot.)
How did James Cameron get to the bottom of the Marianas Trench? On a North Korean rocket! (Rimshot.)
But seriously, the North Koreans are threatening to test a nuke bomb? If their rocket blew up, will the bomb launch itself into orbit? 😀
Thanks, ladies and germs, I’m here all week. Bazinga!
#7 by Universe Number Five on April 23, 2012 - 5:51 PM
I could listen to “Get Lucky” five times a day and still dig it. Does that make me Hyper-communist???
#8 by Keith Spillett on April 23, 2012 - 6:03 PM
It just makes you a sick person.
#9 by every record tells a story on May 16, 2012 - 3:21 PM
…and you tell that to kids nowadays – and they don’t believe you…