Posts Tagged Korea

North Korean Leader Regrets Decision To Let Metallica Producer Bob Rock Launch Rocket Into Space

 

Former Metallica producer Bob Rock just can’t seem to stay away from trouble.  Since being credited as the producer of Metallica’s St. Anger, an album which many experts believe sounds slightly worse than the noises made by a kitten being thrown into a blender, Rock has been involved in several high profile failures.  The worst of these disasters came last week when the Kwangmyŏngsŏng-3, a rocket built by Rock and his team of scientists, exploded and crashed into the Yellow Sea near Gunsan, South Korea.

Rock, who has no formal training as a scientist or a satellite technician, impressed North Korean leader Kim Jong Un with his work on Motley Crue’s Billboard #1 album Dr. Feelgood along with five progressively less interesting Metallica albums.  Un was amazed by Rock’s ability to take a talented band and suck the life and joy out of their work, reducing them to a tattered shell of their former selves.  He initially hired Rock in 2009 to produce a record by his thrash band Gulag Face.  Gulag Face’s debut record “Setting Baby Ducks On Fire With Mayonnaise” sold over 15 copies and became the top selling album in North Korean history.

Rock’s work with Gulag Face so impressed Un so that when he became the country’s leader in 2011, he was hired to run North Korea’s entire missile program.  Rock immediately set out to reduce the intelligence of his team of North Korean scientists by forcing them to listen to Loverboy’s seminal 1981 record “Get Lucky” twice a day for four months.  From exposure to this album, the average IQ score of these scientists dropped from 134 to 78.

Rock also tried to focus the scientists on creating a more commercial, “radio-friendly” rocket, whose technology could be understood by anyone.  This led to his fateful decision to hold the missile together with rubber bands and Elmer’s glue.

Un claims that Rock’s “shenanigans” have left a permanent scar on North Korea’s image.  He has distanced himself from Rock, who will no longer be able to eat for free at North Korea’s only Sizzler restaurant as punishment for his failure.  In order to repair the nation’s embarrassing reputation, Un has hired Rick Rubin to take control of the program and get it back on its feet again.

Rock has had a difficult stretch since he left the Metallica camp.  Before he helmed the North Korean program, Rock was hired to produce and direct Will Ferrell’s “Land of The Lost” film, which lost a near record 100 million dollars at the box office.  In 2010, Rock served as the Boston Red Sox pitching coach and was cited as a major reason the team collapsed in one of the most horrendous Septembers in baseball history.  He was fired immediately after the season.

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A Monument To Nothing

Imagine it for a minute.  Nothing.  Somewhere between the Korean War Memorial and the ever looming, alabaster figure of President Lincoln there stands a room.  It is a small room, the size of a tiny studio apartment.  The walls and ceiling are made of clear black granite.  On a spring day, when the sun is shining, it appears to glow. Beyond its stunning features, its contents themselves are wholly unremarkable.  Inside it is absolute emptiness.

The monuments around it all boast a rich and proud history.  In some cases, it’s a history that we proudly cling to.  Jefferson standing rigidly, an unbending symbol of the triumph of the individual over the menacing tentacles of the state.  Lincoln staring passionately into a world that did not always share his vision, commanding dignity and respect for those who have been silenced by the oppressive spirit of commerce without compassion.

There are also the nightmares.  The memories that we keep close to us in order to remind us of our most terrible moments.  The misunderstood carnage of Korea.  The endless horrors of Vietnam.  Memories of so many wars where bodies and minds were mangled and destroyed.  These memorials are there to remind us never to forget those who gave up their place in this world.  Of tomorrows never realized.  Of futures never lived.  Of families smashed into a million pieces.  These are the last testimonies of those who never came back and rejoined this bizarre American carnival of ours.

While each of these monuments and so many others throughout the Capital District are deeply meaningful, it is the empty room that represents the most to me.  It is the monument for the wars that were never fought.  A symbol of the lives that were never lost.  It is endless possibility.  In this room there is no time. It is a monument to the dramatic, life-altering power of a moment recognized.

Its central message is stillness.  It seeks not to change the world, only to understand it.  This memorial doesn’t spread the American Way of Life around the world, or seek to share the gift of democracy, or do much of anything at all.  There are no words inscribed and there is no plaque attached.  It announces nothing, proclaims silence and only communicates one fleeting, whispered message.

The room is a memorial to a world without struggle, stress, or strain.  Where people can live together in complete acceptance of one another.  Where people don’t wish to change those around them.  Where people simply are and that is enough.  This room is meant to be a place free of judgment.  Everything and everyone are okay in this room, not because of any great achievement, but simply because of the beautiful array of skin, bones, organs, and personality that comprise their identity.  In this room, you are enough and worthy of every bit of beauty the world is capable of showing you.

In truth, there is no place like this in Washington or any place else that I know of.  Peace is often spoken of.  We pay a price for peace or we struggle for peace or we are awarded prizes for who among us are most peaceful.  But where in our world is peace?  Real, enduring peace.  It is certainly not embedded in our institutions, which encourage us to push forward and milk every drop of energy from our bodies and spirits.  It is not in our homes, or our jobs, or our competitions.  It is most certainly not to be found anywhere within our wars.  This memorial would be one small island in an ocean of turmoil.  At least there would be one place a person could go and simply be without being anything in particular.  It is not a religious place, not a secular place, not a capitalist place, not a communist place, not a liberal, conservative, pro-life, or pro-choice place.  It’s simply a place for people who want to be something more than they are labeled.  Even for a moment.

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