It’s Over!!!!: World To End At Eight O’Clock Tonight

The Future

The Future

After years of interminable suffering, the human race will finally be put out of its misery tonight at 8 o’clock Eastern Standard Time (5 PM on the West Coast).  There will be no giant mushroom clouds, no asteroids unstoppable hurdling towards earth, no lights, no sounds, no music, just the immediate and unexplained termination of all sentient human life on our planet.

“I, for one, am thrilled to see the human race ending in such a bloodless and efficient fashion,” said Charles Guiteau, a car insurance salesman from Provo, Utah.  “To be honest, the next week was going to be hell.  Now, I’m free to spend the day catching up on the episodes of Game of Thrones that I missed.”

“It was going to happen at some point,” exclaimed Mark Chapman, a traveling pudding salesman from Denver, “why not just get it over with?”

“I mean, honestly, I’m tired of worrying about all the different ways the human race could end.  This way, we are free of the fear of terrorism, of global warming, of viruses, of nuclear bombs, of bacteria from spoiled meat, of the federal debt, of running out of oil and of endless war.  We were all going to die at some point anyway, might as well do it quickly.”

“If you think about it, it’s probably for the best,” announced Leon Czolgosz, a professional juggler from Memphis.  “We’ve been around for thousands of years and what have we really done with our time?  Create more humans.  Create machines that make humans live longer.  Create devices to make our time on earth more bearable.  Create stories about afterlives and vengeful, jealous gods.  Create reasons to love each other.  Create reasons to hate each other.  Create reasons and methods to kill each other.  To what end?  It’s all wasted motion.”

Some people, however, are not taking the news as well.  “As a Nationals fan, I’m disappointed to think that I’ll never get to see Bryce Harper and Stephen Strasburg develop into the superstar caliber players I know they can be,” said longtime Washington resident Gavrilo Princip.  “I really thought the World Series was ours this year.”

Meanwhile, some Americans are upset about the timing and details of this extinction level event.  “America is the greatest country on earth.  The idea that we are going to die at the exact same time and in the exact same way as all other countries boggles the mind.  We give millions of dollars in foreign aid to countries like Somalia.  We should at least be granted a few extra hours.  Fair is fair,” said John Booth, Mississippi treasurer for the Tea Party Patriots for Freedom and The Avoidance of Responsibility for Others.

In Washington, the news has brought a halt to the constant bickering between Congress and President Obama.  In the spirit of bipartisanship, both sides have promised to pass legislation to end the impasse over the federal budget within the next few weeks.

Regardless of how people feel, the end is coming.  It will be quick and painless.  You won’t even know what hit you.  There will be a flash and it will be done.  There is nothing you can do about it.

(Inspired by the Ray Bradbury story Last Night of The World)

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on April 17, 2013 - 7:54 AM

    The memes blaming this inevitable extinction on Obama start hitting Facebook newsfeeds in 3…2…

  2. #3 by WilC_about that on April 17, 2013 - 8:37 AM

    What! I spent hundreds of dollars on the best bug out gear I could find, went to training camps on how to eradicate zombies with homemade weapons of mass destruction while eating gourmet meals of grubs and road kill, carry around 123.32 pounds of survival equipment on my necklace all the time and now you come along and tell me that it’s all for naught! Damn it! I didn’t even get to chop a zombie trying to chomp my brains!!!! You folks have removed my reason for living so we all might as well just crawl off tonight and disappear like the Dodo birds…..

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on April 17, 2013 - 6:41 PM

      “Whatever floats your boat or finds your lost remote, Sir.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

  3. #5 by Jim Wheeler on April 17, 2013 - 9:29 AM

    Good one, Keith. I am a big fan of Bradbury. This also is redolent of a memorable Arthur C. Clarke short story, The Nine Billion Names of God.

    • #6 by Keith Spillett on April 17, 2013 - 6:40 PM

      Thanks Jim! Will check it out. I feel a Clarke bender coming on soon. Just rewatched 2001 and it peeled my skull back.

  4. #7 by mirkinfirkin on April 17, 2013 - 9:48 AM

    Darn! I guess my friend, Iggy Hryniewiecki and are were both wrong! He thought the end of the world would be by something connected to a Metal concert, while I thought it would involve an SM torture method.

    If you’re right it will be not with a Banger, nor a Whipper.

    • #8 by Keith Spillett on April 17, 2013 - 6:39 PM

      You dig deep for these, Bro! This one had me garphling up half a lung!

  5. #9 by Ms. Pibb on April 17, 2013 - 12:02 PM

    I’m sure Gavrilo is not that upset, as the Austrian police were close on his heels.

  6. #11 by Dave on April 17, 2013 - 5:13 PM

    You forgot the quotation by Harvey Oswald.

    • #12 by Keith Spillett on April 17, 2013 - 5:56 PM

      Ahhh…Dave, I knew you’d catch it. Thought Harvey would be too much of a give away.

  7. #13 by victoriagrimalkin on April 17, 2013 - 7:16 PM

    As I write this reply, it is 5:07 pm Pacific time, and I knew I felt a shift in consciousness just minutes ago. Our extinction is long overdue. After all, we’ve been working on destroying each other for eons. I feel completely at ease with my new spiritual being. I wonder if I will still have to pay my bills? Anyway, thanks for explaining my lack of motivation. Now nothing is expected, all is accepted, and I am perfected.

  8. #14 by valleyofsteel on April 18, 2013 - 4:48 AM

    Well, shit. Thanks, WordPress. Got my “daily digest” email while I was sleeping, and now I am reading this on the bus Thursday morning. If I had known the world ended almost ten hours ago, and that we all had died — well, I sure wouldn’t be bothering to go to work right now!

  9. #15 by Orange (a/k/a David) on April 19, 2013 - 10:54 AM

    Is this one of those stopped clock things? The world will on some day at/before 8 and thus prove you right? For stage 1 in cult-construction, that’s not bad.

  10. #16 by mirkinfirkin on April 20, 2013 - 11:49 PM

    Actually, I have a question – at the end of the world, would that be just the surface, or would the entire planet go “spung?” If it’s just the surface, I have found the perfect place to escape: http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/tierra_hueca/esp_tierra_hueca_36.htm

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