The Tyranny of Tradition

The problems with the Guns and Roses album “Chinese Democracy” never seem to end.  First, there were the years of production and exorbitant cost.  The album was expected in the late 90s but didn’t come out until 2008 with a whopping price tag of 13 million dollars.  Lawsuits, lukewarm reviews and tepid sales followed.  Just when it appeared that the seemingly cursed album had finished its run of ignominy, it was hit with its latest calamity, salmonella.

As far back as 2009, Guns and Roses fans had complained of adverse reactions to eating the “Chinese Democracy” CD.  However, over the past three months, nearly four thousand people have ended up in emergency rooms with salmonella symptoms from consuming the album.

Salmonella, a meat disease usually found in chicken, can cause fever, abdominal cramping and sudden clucking sounds to emanate from the mouths from those who are affected.  In some cases, victims of salmonella can begin to grow feathers and lay eggs.

Some of Guns and Roses biggest fans have been severely afflicted by the album.  “I’ve been listening to Guns and Roses since the 4^th grade,” said Janet Watkins from her sick bed at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Dumfries, Maryland. “I loved Use Your Illusion 1 and 2 so much that I ate them 20 minutes after I bought the albums and felt great.  I ate a vinyl copy of Appetite for Destruction as well as four tapes in one sitting without any problems.  Chinese Democracy has nearly killed me.”

For Mark Watkins, of Flagstaff, Arizona, Chinese Democracy has been a nightmare.  “I couldn’t wait for the album to come out.  I ate my copy moments after I first listened to it and felt fine.  By the next morning, I had grown a beak.”

Watkins was forced to leave his job  at Chik-Fila because the owner thought that it would disgust customers who didn’t want to think about actual chickens while eating their chicken sandwiches.  He has been unemployed for the past 5 years, searching desperately for an employer that will overlook his disability.  “Looking for a job in this market is hard enough without having to explain to a potential employer why you have wings and feel the urge to make loud crowing noises at sunrise.”

Geffen Records, the band’s record label, has stated that while there have been some problems with digesting the album, most people who have eaten it have been fine.  Axl Rose has supposedly consumed over 500 copies of the album alone and has had no adverse effects.   However, the label has encouraged people who own the album to boil it in water for twenty minutes before eating it just to be on the safe side.