Guns N Roses Fans Told To Boil Copies Of “Chinese Democracy” To Avoid Salmonella

Axl Today

The problems with the Guns and Roses album “Chinese Democracy” never seem to end.  First, there were the years of production and exorbitant cost.  The album was expected in the late 90s but didn’t come out until 2008 with a whopping price tag of 13 million dollars.  Lawsuits, lukewarm reviews and tepid sales followed.  Just when it appeared that the seemingly cursed album had finished its run of ignominy, it was hit with its latest calamity, salmonella.

As far back as 2009, Guns and Roses fans had complained of adverse reactions to eating the “Chinese Democracy” CD.  However, over the past three months, nearly four thousand people have ended up in emergency rooms with salmonella symptoms from consuming the album.

Salmonella, a meat disease usually found in chicken, can cause fever, abdominal cramping and sudden clucking sounds to emanate from the mouths from those who are affected.  In some cases, victims of salmonella can begin to grow feathers and lay eggs.

Some of Guns and Roses biggest fans have been severely afflicted by the album.  “I’ve been listening to Guns and Roses since the 4th grade,” said Janet Watkins from her sick bed at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Dumfries, Maryland. “I loved Use Your Illusion 1 and 2 so much that I ate them 20 minutes after I bought the albums and felt great.  I ate a vinyl copy of Appetite for Destruction as well as four tapes in one sitting without any problems.  Chinese Democracy has nearly killed me.”

For Mark Watkins, of Flagstaff, Arizona, Chinese Democracy has been a nightmare.  “I couldn’t wait for the album to come out.  I ate my copy moments after I first listened to it and felt fine.  By the next morning, I had grown a beak.”

Watkins was forced to leave his job  at Chik-Fila because the owner thought that it would disgust customers who didn’t want to think about actual chickens while eating their chicken sandwiches.  He has been unemployed for the past 5 years, searching desperately for an employer that will overlook his disability.  “Looking for a job in this market is hard enough without having to explain to a potential employer why you have wings and feel the urge to make loud crowing noises at sunrise.”

Geffen Records, the band’s record label, has stated that while there have been some problems with digesting the album, most people who have eaten it have been fine.  Axl Rose has supposedly consumed over 500 copies of the album alone and has had no adverse effects.   However, the label has encouraged people who own the album to boil it in water for twenty minutes before eating it just to be on the safe side.

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  1. #1 by mirkinfirkin on April 15, 2013 - 10:06 AM

    First bird flu, now salmonella. That’s what buying “Made in China” gets you. Not only that but if the Chinese are exporting Democracy, what does that say about our socio-economo-political values? Should we accept Chinese Democracy just because it’s cheaper? Democracy, real, honest-to-goodness-developed-and honed-in-the-West Democracy has a higher price because it’s REAL DEMOCRACY, not some cheap Asian sweat shop knock-off! Who goes in to a dollar store for some cheap democracy? Only those who don’t truly understand the benefits of Real Democracy! Even Dictatorship has has a price, and you can’t get it at a dollar store! If you want to see proof, see this advertisement: http://justjigglethehandle.wordpress.com/2013/02/07/in-the-recipes-section/

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on April 15, 2013 - 5:09 PM

      “Should we except Chinese Democracy because it is cheaper” That officially qualifies as brilliantly hysterical!

      • #3 by mirkinfirkin on April 15, 2013 - 8:10 PM

        Brilliantly hysterical? Einstein running around losing his mind? I can but try to achieve such greatness …

  2. #4 by Orange (a/k/a David) on April 15, 2013 - 11:14 AM

    Heavy metal pica! A new role for chelation therapy?

    • #5 by Keith Spillett on April 15, 2013 - 5:08 PM

      Man, this is like the 8th article I’ve managed to work pica into. Is there a condition where you are obsessed with people being obsessed by eating things that aren’t food?

      • #6 by Orange (a/k/a David) on April 15, 2013 - 6:13 PM

        Picaphilia? Spell it carefully in order to not be associated with affection for a small rodent species.

  3. #7 by Dave on April 15, 2013 - 5:02 PM

    Is that what Axl Rose looks like these days? Jeez. Maybe he did suffer some adverse affects.

    • #8 by Keith Spillett on April 15, 2013 - 5:10 PM

      The rockstar lifestyle is not one that is very conducive toward accumulating many AARP magazines.

  4. #9 by alihasheminik on April 17, 2013 - 4:11 AM

    AM I THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHO THINKS THIS ARTICLE IS A JOKE?

  5. #10 by alihasheminik on April 17, 2013 - 4:13 AM

    growing feathers and beaks are not salmonella symptoms, to think that a MAMAL would start laying eggs after infection with the bacteria is just absurd

    • #11 by Mr. GG on May 2, 2013 - 8:55 AM

      Clearly you know nothing of how the things work

  6. #12 by mahituna on July 11, 2014 - 9:19 PM

    looks like Axl is trying to pinch a loaf after a 10 bout with constipation

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