Posts Tagged Axl Rose

Bruce Jenner Claims Gluten Ruined His Life; Is Often Mistaken For Axl Rose

Nutritionists are calling for the FDA to reclassify gluten as a Class 4 toxin after Bruce Jenner went public with allegations that General Mills has been tampering with his DNA using the high dose GMO gluten found in Wheaties cereal.

Jenner has been the subject of a smear campaign in tabloid journals which accuse the former athlete of transitioning from a man into a female, but Tyranny sources may have uncovered evidence that Jenner is still a man in a man’s body, doing manly things. People who know of Jenner say that his new look is the culmination of 45 years of eating Wheaties and the subsequent free radicals that have inflamed his pancreas to five times it’s normal circumference.

At first, Jenner seemed to be enjoying the effects gluten was having on his physique, noting that he often was mistaken for Axl Rose in public and was repeatedly accosted by roaming bands of 40 something dudes who wanted him to autograph their knuckles, but as time wore on, so did gluten’s toll on Jenner’s health and relationships.

The Jenner residence has become a nightly stop for Malibu police ever since neighbors have begin to complain of “raucous singing at all hours of the night that sounds like Ethel Merman belting out Knock Knock Knocking On Heaven’s Door wearing weasel infested bloomers.” Kris Jenner has reached out to the public and has asked for drivers who see Bruce running down the highway with Wheaties boxes on his hands and feet to refrain from tossing gluten containing substances from their car windows and turn off any Guns ‘N’ Roses songs that might be playing.

Gluten has become a very controversial substance recently, and the Jenner tragedy has many people asking themselves if they might be at risk for gluten transmitted diseases when they enjoy all you can eat breadsticks or snack on a Pop Tart? Research has shown that consuming at least a half cup of aspartame before consuming gluten containing foods significantly reduces the chance that the sickness you die from will be gluten related. Homeopathy has also proven a good first line of defense against gluten contracted dehydration. As with all health concerns, always be sure to consult at least six or seven anonymous Internet personalities for health advice, and at a bare minimum, do not have your children vaccinated, just in case.

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Guns N Roses Fans Told To Boil Copies Of “Chinese Democracy” To Avoid Salmonella

Axl Today

The problems with the Guns and Roses album “Chinese Democracy” never seem to end.  First, there were the years of production and exorbitant cost.  The album was expected in the late 90s but didn’t come out until 2008 with a whopping price tag of 13 million dollars.  Lawsuits, lukewarm reviews and tepid sales followed.  Just when it appeared that the seemingly cursed album had finished its run of ignominy, it was hit with its latest calamity, salmonella.

As far back as 2009, Guns and Roses fans had complained of adverse reactions to eating the “Chinese Democracy” CD.  However, over the past three months, nearly four thousand people have ended up in emergency rooms with salmonella symptoms from consuming the album.

Salmonella, a meat disease usually found in chicken, can cause fever, abdominal cramping and sudden clucking sounds to emanate from the mouths from those who are affected.  In some cases, victims of salmonella can begin to grow feathers and lay eggs.

Some of Guns and Roses biggest fans have been severely afflicted by the album.  “I’ve been listening to Guns and Roses since the 4th grade,” said Janet Watkins from her sick bed at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Dumfries, Maryland. “I loved Use Your Illusion 1 and 2 so much that I ate them 20 minutes after I bought the albums and felt great.  I ate a vinyl copy of Appetite for Destruction as well as four tapes in one sitting without any problems.  Chinese Democracy has nearly killed me.”

For Mark Watkins, of Flagstaff, Arizona, Chinese Democracy has been a nightmare.  “I couldn’t wait for the album to come out.  I ate my copy moments after I first listened to it and felt fine.  By the next morning, I had grown a beak.”

Watkins was forced to leave his job  at Chik-Fila because the owner thought that it would disgust customers who didn’t want to think about actual chickens while eating their chicken sandwiches.  He has been unemployed for the past 5 years, searching desperately for an employer that will overlook his disability.  “Looking for a job in this market is hard enough without having to explain to a potential employer why you have wings and feel the urge to make loud crowing noises at sunrise.”

Geffen Records, the band’s record label, has stated that while there have been some problems with digesting the album, most people who have eaten it have been fine.  Axl Rose has supposedly consumed over 500 copies of the album alone and has had no adverse effects.   However, the label has encouraged people who own the album to boil it in water for twenty minutes before eating it just to be on the safe side.

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