Today I’d like to talk to you about a preservative that has been given a bad reputation over the years. Many people believe that because ester of wood rosin is made from wood or that its chemical cousin ester gum is used in paints, lacquers and varnishes, that it is something that they should avoid drinking. People who think this couldn’t be further from the truth. I have found, through days and days of careful research, that it is, in fact, a wonderous creation that has transformative, healing powers.
I came to this discovery by accident. I was in my home working on my model airplane collection and I cut my finger. I did not have a band aid, gauze or any soy sauce handy to stop the bleeding. Not wanting to ruin my scale model reconstruction of Delta’s first DC-10 airplane, I took the can of Fresca I was drinking and poured it directly on the wound. I wasn’t sure what might happen but you can imagine my surprise when the bleeding stopped and the wound closed within about 10 seconds. This was a rather large cut that should have required stiches, but the Fresca seemed to heal it right away.
I started to wonder why this happened so I looked at the can of Fresca. The ingredients seemed rather normal (EDTA, acesulfame potassium, brominated vegetable oil, carob bean gum). I looked each of the ingredients up and found nothing that piqued my interest until I got to ester of wood rosin. With one search of the internet, my entire life changed forever. Apparently, a scientist named Dr. Arnold Kreifeld conducted a study near Harvard University back in 2003 where he tested the effects of ester of wood rosin on injuries. Kreifeld’s assistants cut the arms of 100 study participants with razor blades. They then poured water on the wounds of half the participants and Fresca or Tahitian Treat (both drinks with large amounts of ester of wood rosin) on the other half. The half that were treated with ester of wood rosin showed significant improvement compared to the other group. Kreifeld, who is currently in Leavenworth Federal Prison for sending “suspicious” packages to news broadcasters, had stumbled on to the medical discovery of the decade, perhaps the century. Kreifeld first gained a great deal of recognition as a researcher for the tobacco industry back in the late 1980s. During his time there he co-authored a monumental study that showed that long term cigarette use leads to increased IQ scores. As important as his earlier work was, it is clear that his work in the field of ester of wood rosin research could have changed much of how we view medicine today. Had he not been imprisoned on trumped up charges, he’d be viewed with the same reverence as great medical minds like Jonas Salk, Hippocrates and Dr. Oz.
Deeply impressed with Dr. Kreifeld’s work, I decided to do a few experiments of my own. For one month, I bathed my two young children exclusively in Fresca. This was quite an expensive proposition (it takes nearly 17 cans of Fresca to fill a bath tub), but it was a sacrifice I needed to make for the good of mankind. My son, who we will refer to as Mortimer for the purposes of this post, has grown 29 inches since the experiment began. Mortimer, who at 3 years old stands nearly 6 feet tall, has already gotten recruiting phone calls from The University of Kentucky, The New Jersey Nets and The Ringling Brothers Circus. Thanks to ester of wood rosin, his future is bright.
I began pouring two cans of Fresca over my head per day, one first thing in the morning, one during afternoon visitation, and I have watched my head go from looking like bowling ball to having long, flowing Fabio-esque hair. My wife, who recently suffered a broken leg in a waterskiing accident, was injected with Fresca once a night during her sleep for two weeks. The doctors said it would take 3 months for her leg to heal; it took 9 days. I took a syringe to a local senior center down the street and randomly injected an 82 year old woman. With one surprise injection of ester of wood rosin, she went from barely able to walk to turning double back flips while singing the opening song from Guys and Dolls.
Fresca is not the only soft drink with ester of wood rosin, but I prefer it because of it’s tangy flavor. There are many drinks that contain this miracle of modern science. Several government military contractors and food conglomerates are considering creating ester of wood rosin supplements which may be on the shelf at your local supermarket within the next few years. Until then, you’ll have to stick to drinking soft drinks to get the health benefits of this little wonder. When you are staring at your birthday cake and looking at 146 candles, you’ll thank me for this great bit of advice.
#1 by nondualmind on January 18, 2011 - 7:16 PM
Scary stuff! A friend of mine once spilled a can of diet coke in her car and it stripped the finish off her steering wheel. That was the last diet coke she ever had…….
#2 by Keith Spillett on January 18, 2011 - 7:27 PM
It is! Unfortunately, the last Diet Coke I had was about 10 minutes ago.
#3 by iamsarahk on January 18, 2011 - 8:42 PM
Oh how I enjoy your stories.
I can honestly say that, as this is the first time I have even heard of this drink, I completely believe you.
Maybe you could post some of the magical liquid to the land down under.
#4 by Keith Spillett on January 18, 2011 - 8:52 PM
Thanks Sarahk! It’s really good. It comes in peach, raspberry, sheep and infant. Great flavor. I am pretty sure the stuff is banned in Australia, but I could see if I could smuggle some across your border with Canada.
#5 by iamsarahk on January 18, 2011 - 9:24 PM
Mmm infant sounds good, kind of like a thickshake?
Why are you smuggling Canada?
#6 by SIR DOUCHEALOT on March 10, 2016 - 9:59 PM
Why would fresca be banned anywhere its just a soda and all this stuff u are saying is so ridiculous do these people actually believe u? If so I would like to make it known I am selling absolutely pure air bottled at the top of Mount Mitchel (the highest point in the Appalachian mountains) And is known to cure all forms of lung disfuntion including Asthma, COPD, and Lung Cancer.
#7 by Keith Spillett on January 18, 2011 - 10:01 PM
I am smuggling Canada because Russia is too big to fit in a suitcase.
#8 by Jim Wheeler on January 18, 2011 - 10:15 PM
Well Keith, you can’t tell me that reincarnation isn’t real. P.T. Barnum lives!
BTW, all the benefits of ester of wood rosin can be duplicated by wearing a copper wrist band. (But, make sure it’s pure copper! Any impurities will cancel the effects.)
#9 by Keith Spillett on January 19, 2011 - 7:54 PM
It’s like the man said “A sucker born every minute…and two to take him”
Gotta love those copper wrist bands! I hear they cure hiccups and gout.
#10 by G-LO on January 19, 2011 - 12:55 PM
Your next story… the health benefits of a Diet Pepsi and Veggie Burrito Neti Pot, cause that’s what you get when you read about Ester of Wood Rosin and eat at the same time.
Well done! Glad to see that Fresca is back with a vengeance.
#11 by Keith Spillett on January 19, 2011 - 7:59 PM
A lot of people seem to avoid some of the great cures on the market today. I feel like if people keep drinking Fresca, life expectancy will climb well past 165. Lyndon Johnson drank a ton of the stuff (he even had a fountain put in the White House). Johnson is 112 years old and recently ran the Boston Marathon. He’s considering a run at the Oval Office in 2012. With a little Fresca in his gut, I think he could do it.
#12 by Awakening Tempest on January 19, 2011 - 8:10 PM
Do you know if this drink is available in the UK? I think I might like to try it (for its taste) and its healing powers. I too have had a similar experience where I was introduced to ‘Virgin Black Seed Oil’ in South Asia while out travelling few years ago – then it was not available in general stores but its more common in the Asian Community (and their stores) – and believe me what a difference it makes – I’ve since recommended it to someone who is Type II in Diabetes, someone who suffers from Epilepsy and some one who has sleep problem – all have said that they health has improved dramatically.
I too use this natural virgin Oil and I have to say it has improved my health massively – No longer dragging myself out of bed, no longer being lazy in getting things done – feel more fitter than ever before and so on.
#13 by Keith Spillett on January 19, 2011 - 8:27 PM
I think ester of wood rosin might be illegal in England because of all of the additional limbs it has caused people to spontaneously grow.
The oil you are talking about sounds like great stuff. I used to drink olive oil from time to time. It mixes well with apple juice. I’ve actually never heard of the oil you are mentioning. I’ll have to check it out.
#14 by Awakening Tempest on January 19, 2011 - 9:01 PM
Here are some links:
I hope they help – its amazing stuff.
#15 by crackheadjed on May 2, 2016 - 5:52 PM
I just smoke crack n it allows me to stay awake for days n days without a single feeling till i stop smoking it
#16 by James on January 26, 2011 - 6:58 AM
How do I clean off caked on rosin from my viola? I borrow violas from my school and they are always filthy. The rosin isn't only on the strings, it's on the face too.
#17 by Harpo on March 13, 2015 - 4:15 PM
Your all comedians and should post you resumes on
Turtle man reality show.
#18 by Dennis Gallagher on July 2, 2015 - 2:41 PM
I’m glad somebody else “came out” with these findings! I don’t feel so alone. I was tired of getting sunburn on my pate due to male patterned baldness,so while trying to slake my thirst during a heatwave with a fresca I poured some on my head as I am apt to do with water(out of habit).Anyway,by the end of the day I went home and took a shower and lo and behold looking in the mirror I had a head full of hair.Not to mention I went from looking like Brad Pitt instead of looking like his brother Stue Pitt.Thanks Fresca!
#19 by Keith Spillett on July 2, 2015 - 3:25 PM
You know my motto….Monsanto Means Miracles!
Wait till you try the GMOs!!! You’ll grow that additional nipple in no time.
#20 by Jonathan on November 12, 2015 - 12:46 PM
Ester of rosin is terrible every time I drink anything with it in it, it makes me Piss blood.
#21 by Anonymous Guy on April 8, 2016 - 3:07 PM
Is this a hoax? Trying to get people to buy fresca?
#22 by Petunia on July 20, 2017 - 4:44 PM
So, Jonathon, I don’t know why really, but I must ask – why oh why would you, after pissing blood the first time, ever consume it again?
And it is gross, but I can’t imagine poor dead animal fat making your urine have blood in it. Unless your EoR is freshly dead and bleeding when ya consume it.
My spell check just told me to spell “your” this way – “You’re”.
So now I am worried about every person here AND spell check. Dang!
#23 by Denise on November 19, 2016 - 2:55 PM
Just stumbled upon this. Am looking forward to reading more if your rants. Very entertaing( and enlightening of course)
#24 by Petunia on July 20, 2017 - 4:39 PM
Well, I am going to leave a legit comment since I will really feel my short amount of time on this planet was not completely wasted. I was looking at the ingredients from a drink my Pop brought me from McDonalds, I am vegan and bless his heart, he forgets (I think he just doesn’t listen, but either way) for some reason and thinks I am a gluten free person. (Nope, gluten is a good friend of vegans especially we who can’t or don’t want to eat soy) and found this on the list:
Glycerol Ester of Rosin
I thought it was some wood thing too,but looked it up and was so sad, shocked and grossed out that it is from ANIMAL FAT. Would you really order a fruit punch slush on a famous 100 degree day in Oklahoma, and ask for a side of bacon fat chopped up in your drink? Even you crazy carnivores?
And to “Anonymous Guy”, yes this is a hoax to get you to buy Fresca. I’m lying, sorry. It is satire, It is funny, silly, a joke. Why would the people who sell Fresca write something so very silly in a bid to get your soft-drink buying dollars? I worry about people. I do, a great many of you vex me so that I am shocked every day someone doesn’t accidentally kill themselves sticking a knife in the toaster. <— DO NOT DO THIS! Please. You vex me, but I love you!
#25 by Ashley on August 31, 2017 - 9:02 PM
Oh my word, I’m crying. Lol.
#26 by Robert Loftus on May 13, 2018 - 5:48 PM
Stumbled across this because I saw this as an ingredient in a fruit juice beverage and I had never heard of it. Came to this link, started reading….was confused at first…and then it became clear. Best satire I’ve ever read. You have a wicked quick wit and are clearly a natural. Well done, Sir!
#27 by Dirk on June 24, 2018 - 8:03 PM
Your 3yr old son didn’t grow to be 6ft tall from the Fresca. He has a hyperactive pituitary gland. I suggest u have it removed before he grows big enough to step on you for bathing him in Fresca. And besides everyone knows u use Dr. Pepper when bathing.