Dispatches From The Republican Convention September 14th, 2040

Nixon Thrills 130,000 People In San Francisco

The Republican Party seems poised to return to power after their thrilling convention concluded in San Francisco, California last night.  The keynote convention address, given by Republican Presidential Candidate LeVance Nixon, brought the house to a twenty minute standing ovation.  Nixon pledged that the Republican Party is committed to “freedom now, freedom tomorrow and freedom forever” in a speech that some commentators are calling the best in the party’s history.  Several polls taken within minutes of Nixon’s speech showed that Nixon picked up 8 to 12 points against his opponent, Democratic Incumbent Juan Jose Herrera and now leads in 31 of the 44 states.

Nixon’s campaign theme of entirely eliminating nearly every function of government has gained steam in the past few months.  His major idea of privatizing the entire United States military and offering it to other countries as a mercenary defense force has captured the imagination of many.  Nixon claimed last month that the US could have the money to re-aquire the state of Oregon and allow the Social Security Age to dip below 95 for the first time since 2030 if the program is instituted.   Other Nixon programs, including the elimination of public schools by 2050, a program dismissing taxation for Americans making over 250,000 dollars a year and the immediate closing of the Food and Drug Administration, have also gained popularity since Nixon announced his intention to run for the Presidency last year.

A year ago, many of his ideas seemed far-fetched, but even the most radical ones have gained an audience.  Nixon’s revolutionary re-working of the welfare system, once thought to be too radical, is a hit even now with some Democrats.  His program, originally decried by many for its cruelty, would force people receiving federal benefits for more than two years to exchange a kidney for continuing benefits.  “The poor have senselessly and selfishly hoarded their kidneys without regard to the harm they have caused. You can sell a functional kidney for $25,000.  It’s time the poor do their part to make America great again! Even the lazy can contribute to our once great nation!” Nixon told the screaming crowd of conventioneers.

The Problem of the Moths has plagued much of the Presidency of Juan Jose Herrera.  Nixon looked to capitalize on this issue through a proposal to give a ten year long tax holiday to any corporation that captures more than 100 giant man eating moths per year.  According to Nixon the program will “encourage the growth of the real generators of the Great American Job Engine…corporations.  It will also help to stop moths from consuming the flesh of innocent, hard-working Americans.”

The energy around the Nixon campaign is a testament to the youthful, revitalized nature of the Republican Party.  Many of the parties core supporters are 18 to 34 years old.  They are attracted by the Parties strong anti-government message.  It was a Republican Congress and President, as most remember, that legalized all drugs in 2025 and gay marriage in 2026.  Since those fateful decision, the Party has attracted a slew of gung-ho, young supporters.  Hundreds of young Nixon supporters, calling themselves the Nixon Youth, staged a spontaneous rally outside of the Harvey Milk Arena after his speech.  “Nixon’s for freedom and freedom is for America.  Government sucks!  It’s that simple!” shouted Emilia Antonia, a Nixon supporter who had travelled all the way from the ruins of Boston to be a part of the special evening.

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  1. #1 by johncerickson on July 19, 2011 - 6:18 PM

    So… now the moths are giant. And man-eating. A dramatic substitution of insects for debt? Or do we have an etymologist in our midst?
    And we’re down to 44? From 50, or did we get Puerto Rico in? Of course, I’m assuming, since we might get Oregon back, that one of the other missings is Washington. Then again, if we got all the lumber out of WashOre, why would we still want them? 😉 ‘Course, I’m hoping that some of the other missing are the desert Southwest. After all, once you get west of Dallas, the only redeeming things between there and San Diego are the Confederate … er … Commemorative Air Force and the Pima Air Museum! (Ya gotta have priorities!)
    I think we need a 3rd party. My vote is for the Carbon Party – a list-ditch holdout group of internal combustion enthusiasts (cars, planes, power generation, etc.),retro-tech semi-Luddites (a cell phone is fine, but get the phone chips out of our brains), and a weird mix of Amish, hill-folk (former coal miners), old farts (“I remember back in my day, when cars didn’t NEED Unobtainuim to work, Dagnabit!”) and retired military (hey, napalm is a carbon-based product too!). Kind of an anti-party party. And of course, there is only ONE real candidate to lead it. I give you……
    BLACKJACK! (And the crowd goes wild!) 😀

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on July 20, 2011 - 1:31 AM

      “Semi-Luddites” I LOVE IT!!!!! I’m all for the Carbon Party, sir.

      The Yippies ran Pigasus the Pig in ’68 (they picked McGovern in ’72….Pigasus did slightly better). I think Blackjack could be a viable candidate if you can prove he was born in America and if he agrees to cut Medicare benefits.

      • #3 by johncerickson on July 20, 2011 - 9:49 AM

        He’s at least third generation American, so that should be cool. And if I tell him Medicare benefits are weeds, he’ll mow them down to nothing! 😉
        I would’ve run Jack with the Greens, but that would be the ultimate self-destructive political party!

  1. Dispatches From The Democratic Convention September 7th, 2040 « The Tyranny of Tradition

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