Posts Tagged Food and Drug Administration

FDA Approves Use Of Arsenic To Treat “Heavy Metal Dependence”

handsYou’ve probably seen them before.  Unshaven, lacking in basic dental hygiene, often having so-called “long hair”, clad in tee-shirts with pictures of murder, cannibalism and other anti-social acts condoned by some the leaders of our secular government.  This horde of axe-wielding maniacs and welfare recipients often refer to themselves as heavy metalheads and listen to bands with names like Gorguts, Bestial Walrus and Pungent Stench.  Some heavy metalheads listen to as many as seventeen hours worth of this music per day while participating in acts self-mutilation and animal sacrifice.  But now, there is hope.

In an attempt to cure these poor, wretched people of their dependence on this vile assault on good taste and middle class sensibility, the FDA today approved the use of arsenic in an attempt to treat what doctors have referred to as “heavy metal dependence”.  The term, first coined by Tipper Gore’s personal physician Dr. Sigmund Rascher, has been diagnosed in 3 percent of America’s youth and, if left untreated, can be fatal.

In clinic trials, arsenic, when administered in large doses and coupled with strychnine, a natural herb recently approved by the FDA to fight inefficiency in the workplace, has been nearly 100 percent effective in curing heavy metalheads of their disorder.  Mikey Melanoma, bass player from the band Malignant Cataplexy, recently emerged from his coma to talk about the powerful impact this new wonder drug has had on his life.  “I used to listen to Obituary, Death, Morbid Angel, Slayer…whatever I could get my hands on.  Now, all I really want to hear is soft piano music or the calm, soothing voice of my nurse bringing me apple juice.  I’m cured.”

Some concerns have been raised by doctors about the use of arsenic in treating heavy metal dependency.  Patients have reported blotching and severe skin rashes right before they slip into eternal slumber.  However, applying doctor prescribed topical ointments usually clears this up within 24 hours.  In spite of the side effects, the FDA stressed that arsenic is all natural, thus completely safe.

More help may be on the way next year.  The FDA is looking into special carbon dioxide masks that can help those averse to swallowing pills.  Special behavioral enhancement chambers are even being designed to cure hundreds of heavy metalheads at a time though the use of the carbon monoxide treatment.  Also, special behavioral modification chairs are being designed to zap thousands of volts into the brains of the afflicted in order to help them become less of a drain on the millions of taxpayers who support these disease-bearing mongrels.

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Dispatches From The Republican Convention September 14th, 2040

Nixon Thrills 130,000 People In San Francisco

The Republican Party seems poised to return to power after their thrilling convention concluded in San Francisco, California last night.  The keynote convention address, given by Republican Presidential Candidate LeVance Nixon, brought the house to a twenty minute standing ovation.  Nixon pledged that the Republican Party is committed to “freedom now, freedom tomorrow and freedom forever” in a speech that some commentators are calling the best in the party’s history.  Several polls taken within minutes of Nixon’s speech showed that Nixon picked up 8 to 12 points against his opponent, Democratic Incumbent Juan Jose Herrera and now leads in 31 of the 44 states.

Nixon’s campaign theme of entirely eliminating nearly every function of government has gained steam in the past few months.  His major idea of privatizing the entire United States military and offering it to other countries as a mercenary defense force has captured the imagination of many.  Nixon claimed last month that the US could have the money to re-aquire the state of Oregon and allow the Social Security Age to dip below 95 for the first time since 2030 if the program is instituted.   Other Nixon programs, including the elimination of public schools by 2050, a program dismissing taxation for Americans making over 250,000 dollars a year and the immediate closing of the Food and Drug Administration, have also gained popularity since Nixon announced his intention to run for the Presidency last year.

A year ago, many of his ideas seemed far-fetched, but even the most radical ones have gained an audience.  Nixon’s revolutionary re-working of the welfare system, once thought to be too radical, is a hit even now with some Democrats.  His program, originally decried by many for its cruelty, would force people receiving federal benefits for more than two years to exchange a kidney for continuing benefits.  “The poor have senselessly and selfishly hoarded their kidneys without regard to the harm they have caused. You can sell a functional kidney for $25,000.  It’s time the poor do their part to make America great again! Even the lazy can contribute to our once great nation!” Nixon told the screaming crowd of conventioneers.

The Problem of the Moths has plagued much of the Presidency of Juan Jose Herrera.  Nixon looked to capitalize on this issue through a proposal to give a ten year long tax holiday to any corporation that captures more than 100 giant man eating moths per year.  According to Nixon the program will “encourage the growth of the real generators of the Great American Job Engine…corporations.  It will also help to stop moths from consuming the flesh of innocent, hard-working Americans.”

The energy around the Nixon campaign is a testament to the youthful, revitalized nature of the Republican Party.  Many of the parties core supporters are 18 to 34 years old.  They are attracted by the Parties strong anti-government message.  It was a Republican Congress and President, as most remember, that legalized all drugs in 2025 and gay marriage in 2026.  Since those fateful decision, the Party has attracted a slew of gung-ho, young supporters.  Hundreds of young Nixon supporters, calling themselves the Nixon Youth, staged a spontaneous rally outside of the Harvey Milk Arena after his speech.  “Nixon’s for freedom and freedom is for America.  Government sucks!  It’s that simple!” shouted Emilia Antonia, a Nixon supporter who had travelled all the way from the ruins of Boston to be a part of the special evening.

Get 2040 Democratic Convention Highlights here

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Six Important Lessons You Should Be Teaching Your Children

We, at The Tyranny of Tradition, are proud to present today’s guest writer, Jonathan Winthrop.  Winthrop is a conservative columnist, syndicated talk radio host, all-around great American and a proud parent of four boys (McCarthy 12, Reagan 8, Goldwater 6, and Huckabee 2).   He is the President and co-founder of Americans for Progressive Corporal Punishment, a group committed to teaching family values to bad parents.  He is the author of several New York Times best-sellers including “12 Easy Steps to Teaching Your Child To Fear and Respect Authority Figures” “Attila The Huns’ Strategies To Being a Better Parent”, and “Look Mom, No Values:  A Parents Guide To Living In A Fallen World”.

Good American Children At Play

I know, I know, your young children are learning lots of bad habits from television and from that Odd Future Wolfgang Kill’em All rap album you just bought them. Parenting can be a tough job.  But, parenting is the most important job in the entire world. After all, without children there wouldn’t be adults.  If there weren’t adults, who would be there to produce a lasting supply of inexpensive consumer goods.  Without inexpensive consumer goods, what would drive our economy?  As you can see, without children, our world would quickly turn into a communistic hell on earth.  I’ve put together a list of six really important lessons that you should be teaching your children so that they don’t end up hooked on crack-cocaine or becoming a “community organizer”.

Don’t Talk To Strangers

It’s the oldest piece of advice in the book.  Strangers are a threat under all circumstances, particularly when they dress like they are in 1970s cop films or have foreign accents.  If your child doesn’t know a person, chances are that person is looking to cause them terrible harm.  Strangers have done terrible things throughout history.  John Hinkley was a stranger to Ronald Reagan when he tried to assassinate him back in 1981.  Had Reagan died there is no doubt that an Iron Curtain would have descended on the United States stifling freedom for the next thousand years.  Be a good role model for your children by ignoring anyone who asks you for help and not saying hello to anyone unless you have known them for at least three years.

Don’t Be A Sucker

Lots of people are trying to take your money from you all the time.  Sometimes, they want to give you valuable things in return like toaster ovens or televisions with picture-in-picture capability.  Sometimes, they are looking to take your money and use it on drugs or food.  Most people on the street simply can’t be trusted.  If they are behind the counter at a reputable store in a good part of town, that’s one thing, but according to a study done by the Heritage Corporation 97 percent of people who are who live in bad parts of town are either “highly dangerous”, “just can’t be trusted” or are “too lazy to go out and earn a living.”  Do not give them money under any circumstances.  It will contribute to a vicious cycle of poverty and Islamic radicalism.

Don’t Let Other People Blame You For Their Problems

Just because you were born in the greatest country in the history of the human race doesn’t mean you should feel bad about it.  Most people are looking to blame you for their problems when their suffering is actually caused by the fact that they have made bad decisions.  Everyone starts equal in this life.  Don’t let their statistics about people being “born in poverty” confuse you.  According to a study done by the American Freedom and Values Council For A Freer America, 96 percent of Americans who are wealthy have better morals and make better decisions than those who make less than 50,000 dollars a year.  You are where you are because you worked harder than anyone making less than you.  Teach your children to be proud of what they have achieved and scornful of those who haven’t achieved as much.

You’d Be Better Off If It Weren’t For Them

Social programs like affirmative action and gun restriction laws have weakened most Americans’ ability to live a happy, free and safe life.  Teach your children to be active participants in government by stopping the government from taking your money and giving it to other people just because they are “hungry” or unable to provide themselves with adequate shelter.  Thomas Jefferson once said something like “Government is the enemy of free people everywhere, particularly when it gives the money of hard working people to undeserving losers.”  He was right.  Teach your children that government and special interest groups like illegal aliens are responsible for most, if not all, of their problems.  That way, when they become adults they will have absolutely no problem getting rid of government organizations that are slowly rotting America away like the Food and Drug Administration.

Without Math We Would No Longer Be Free

America has fallen behind in math test scores around the world.  According to a study done by the Americans For a Freer Society With Better Test Scores, 103 percent of American 8th graders can barely count up to five.  If this trend continues our children are going to become adults who are unable to figure out how much of their weekly check goes to building important tools of peace like stealth bombers and aircraft carriers.  They will never be able to experience the joy and pride one feels when counting how many more nuclear missiles we have compared to the rest of the world.  Then, they will never know how truly lucky they are.

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Robitussin Turns Me Into a Vengeful Idiot and Other Unpleasant 3 AM Realities

A Pretty Accurate Representation of My Mood on Sunday Night/Monday Morning (borrowed from popartmachine.com)

I ain’t feelin’ no sweet mystery of life nonsense this evening.  I have a miserable cold.  My throat hurts, I’m tired and I feel like I fought a 50-foot killer sea urchin all day.  I have nothing to add to your life but complaints; I am going to blog anyway. Being sick is awful.

The other night I tried to get rid of this thing by sucking down some Robitussin.  How on earth the FDA approved this substance is beyond me.  The stuff never makes me feel better, but it does always fill me with angst and white-hot rage.  I took the recommended dosage and went to bed.  Immediately I fell into hours of hellish dreaming.  I had one dream where everything was normal except everyone I saw had tremendous goiters protruding from their necks.  Just an average Saturday, I went to the supermarket….goiters everywhere…..I went to the bank….GOITERS….I got home….GOITERS on everyone. Nobody noticed except me.  It was basically what would have happened if Ken Kesey wrote a Twilight Zone episode.  You have been transported to a strange land where everything is the same, except everyone has goiters.

I woke up from that one sweating.  It was 2:58 in the morning and I was staring at the ceiling.  Being a basketball coach, I am familiar with this drill.  Usually I lay there muttering to myself about how I should have gone to a 1-3-1 zone in the second half of a game from 5 years ago.  This evening was different.  I kept thinking about orange juice.  For some reason, the idea of oranges being squeezed and put in bottles was making me insanely angry.  Why do they do it?  Who came up with the idea? Usually, I can distance myself from this sort of thing and laugh a bit, but I was full on committed to the grave injustice that was orange juice.  Then, I started thinking about raisins.  Ridiculous little things!  Absurd!

I bolted upright in bed.  My wife is familiar with these sorts of moments and has learned to not engage me at 3 AM.  Nothing I say makes any sense at that time, but with a head full of Robitussin I was bound to start yelling at her because she didn’t know the two Senators from the state of Nebraska.  I started pacing around the room looking for something to read.  I found the most boring thing I could lay my hands; a nightmarish volume I found in the quarter bin years back on how the commodities market works.  The plan was to bore the demons out of my body.  The next thing I know I am sitting out in my car waiting for the thing to heat up with the first Suffocation album, a wonderful piece of music known as “Effigy of the Forgotten”, blaring as loud as my blown out Saturn speakers could blast it.  (A side note…I am convinced that there cannot be a more bizarre vision then watching a 35 year old father of two sitting alone in a beat up car at 3 AM on a Monday morning blaring death metal and singing along at the top of his lungs)

Suddenly, I’m in a Dunkin’ Donuts.  The guy behind the counter has that “please don’t hassle me” look that any rational person would have working a nightshift would have when a wild-eyed lunatic walked in with malice in his eyes.

Boston Creme donut,” I mumbled.

“We’re out.”

Wrong answer.  “What do you mean!!!!? How are you out!!!!  What are you talking about?  This is a donut shop, man!”

“We don’t put those out until 4 AM.”

“Really?!?!!?  really?!??!!?  REALLY!!!!!!”

The poor guy was clearly feeling under the counter for the shotgun at that point.

“We have old fashions.”

“No!”

“Bear claws.”

“No!”

“Blueberry”

“NO!  NO!  NO!!!!”

“Sour cream”

“Ehhhhhh.  Give me two.”

I slunked away a defeated man.  I sat there for an hour reading the same three pages on soybean futures over and over not understanding a word.  The book might as well have been upside down.  Every five minutes or so I got up and looked at the section of the rack where Boston Cream donuts were usually kept and there was nothing.  I didn’t even want one anymore, I just felt like there should be some sense of completion, some end to this absurd journey.

I went home.  I lay there for a while longer staring at the ceiling fan.  It got light.  It goes on.

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