FDA Approves Use Of Arsenic To Treat “Heavy Metal Dependence”

handsYou’ve probably seen them before.  Unshaven, lacking in basic dental hygiene, often having so-called “long hair”, clad in tee-shirts with pictures of murder, cannibalism and other anti-social acts condoned by some the leaders of our secular government.  This horde of axe-wielding maniacs and welfare recipients often refer to themselves as heavy metalheads and listen to bands with names like Gorguts, Bestial Walrus and Pungent Stench.  Some heavy metalheads listen to as many as seventeen hours worth of this music per day while participating in acts self-mutilation and animal sacrifice.  But now, there is hope.

In an attempt to cure these poor, wretched people of their dependence on this vile assault on good taste and middle class sensibility, the FDA today approved the use of arsenic in an attempt to treat what doctors have referred to as “heavy metal dependence”.  The term, first coined by Tipper Gore’s personal physician Dr. Sigmund Rascher, has been diagnosed in 3 percent of America’s youth and, if left untreated, can be fatal.

In clinic trials, arsenic, when administered in large doses and coupled with strychnine, a natural herb recently approved by the FDA to fight inefficiency in the workplace, has been nearly 100 percent effective in curing heavy metalheads of their disorder.  Mikey Melanoma, bass player from the band Malignant Cataplexy, recently emerged from his coma to talk about the powerful impact this new wonder drug has had on his life.  “I used to listen to Obituary, Death, Morbid Angel, Slayer…whatever I could get my hands on.  Now, all I really want to hear is soft piano music or the calm, soothing voice of my nurse bringing me apple juice.  I’m cured.”

Some concerns have been raised by doctors about the use of arsenic in treating heavy metal dependency.  Patients have reported blotching and severe skin rashes right before they slip into eternal slumber.  However, applying doctor prescribed topical ointments usually clears this up within 24 hours.  In spite of the side effects, the FDA stressed that arsenic is all natural, thus completely safe.

More help may be on the way next year.  The FDA is looking into special carbon dioxide masks that can help those averse to swallowing pills.  Special behavioral enhancement chambers are even being designed to cure hundreds of heavy metalheads at a time though the use of the carbon monoxide treatment.  Also, special behavioral modification chairs are being designed to zap thousands of volts into the brains of the afflicted in order to help them become less of a drain on the millions of taxpayers who support these disease-bearing mongrels.

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  1. #1 by Crls Cmps on November 13, 2013 - 3:10 PM

    I need the source of this, please.

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on November 13, 2013 - 3:14 PM

      New England Journal of Medicine January 3rd, 2013 Page 108.

      • #3 by amakay on November 13, 2013 - 4:02 PM

        I search in the NEJM site and i cant find it 🙂 the last page seem to be 92.

      • #4 by Keith Spillett on November 13, 2013 - 4:16 PM

        Wait, I meant the New England Journal of Endocrinology. I get them confused.

      • #5 by amakay on November 13, 2013 - 4:34 PM

        duh! I cant find it, Can you be so kind to post the link?
        I need to read the article to believe in this.

      • #6 by Keith Spillett on November 13, 2013 - 4:43 PM

      • #7 by amakay on November 13, 2013 - 6:57 PM

        Wtf? this post is a crap

      • #8 by Keith Spillett on November 13, 2013 - 7:08 PM

        You clearly never watched Airwolf and, therefore, are incapable of understanding the subtlety and nuance needed to comprehend science. If I gave you my source, it would be wasted on you.

  2. #9 by Fried Chicken And Metal on November 13, 2013 - 3:32 PM

    My cousin plays in Hacksaw Kataplexy and he says that these claims about people who listen to heavy metal are untrue.

    • #10 by Keith Spillett on November 13, 2013 - 3:37 PM

      Is that the San Diego Hacksaw Kataplexy or the Memphis Hacksaw Kataplexy?

  3. #11 by ~xtian on November 13, 2013 - 7:54 PM

    Reblogged this on Typing Loud, Knowing Nothing. and commented:
    You’ve probably seen them before.

    Yeah I saw one of those this morning. It was squinting at me from that big shiny square thing stuck to the wall over the bathroom sink. I think it’s some kind of window.

  4. #12 by amakay on November 13, 2013 - 8:12 PM

    Seriously this post is bullshit no one will believe this. I only give you credit cuz your imagination.

    • #13 by Keith Spillett on November 14, 2013 - 8:51 AM

      I’m supposed to take a guy who’s never watched Airwolf seriously??!?!

  5. #14 by mirkinfirkin on November 13, 2013 - 11:00 PM

    An interesting post into modern-day application for treating society’s afflicted, which are so much more effective than past methods of treatment.

    However, it has been found by recent European studies that in cases where the condition has become too entrenched into the patient’s endocrine system so as to be part of their homeostasis that variants to older methods of cleansing have proven effective. One method detailed proves that suddenly stretching the patient’s neck using a collar made of woven natural fibres has been effective. Another well proven technique is actually separating the head from the body using a highly sharpened blade and taking the head off for examination and treatment. The most effective method using the blade has been shown that suspending the blade at an angle and set in a pair of rails perpendicular to the patient’s neck from a height of about five metres gives the best results. Other possibilities listed include tightly attaching the patient to a stout pole or beam well secured into the earth at ninety degrees to the ground for support, and very rapidly heating the victim to very high temperatures with such materials as burning wood to drive the dependency out; or placing the afflicted on the ground and placing a series of heavy stones on his or her chest to squeeze the illness out.

  6. #15 by victoriagrimalkin on November 14, 2013 - 3:54 PM

    Arsenic was Adolph Hitler’s drug of choice.

  7. #16 by Indian guy thanks with shit ton on November 15, 2013 - 11:11 PM

    Man you’re fucking funny. Thanks a shit ton.

  8. #18 by jeff on November 19, 2013 - 4:19 PM

    I listen to Heavy Metal, and well. I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with me. i have never seen Airwolf, and because of you will never take it seriously.

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