Posts Tagged Pungent Stench

Metalhead Facebook Terrorists Across America Encouraged To Surrender To Police

The New Face of Terror

The New Face of Terror

America is in crisis. Race riots, wars raging around the world threatening our ability to buy gas for under four dollars a gallon, the tragic deaths of talented comedians…it seems to many as if this great republic is on the brink of collapse. And yet, the greatest threat to our great nation has up, until last week, gone completely unnoticed.

 

A wave of shocking, horrifying, demented, godless, communistic, bovine, twisted, fascist, macabre, demonic, ghastly, alarming, borderline anti-social heavy metal rock and roll lyrics have been posted throughout what the media is calling “the Internet”. These lyrics are passed secretly from terrorist to terrorist through socialist media websites Facebook, Twitter and Friendster.

 

Last week, James Evans, a 31-year-old potential terrorist, was arrested for posting lyrics to the Exodus song “Class Dismissed (A Hate Primer)”. Beyond simply posting the lyrics, Evans was accused of conspiring to possibly attempt to post more metal lyrics at a later date. Exodus’ new album “Music We Wrote To Inspire People To Kill Children and Babies” is expected to hit stores in October.

 

The lyrics, which may be responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people who have yet to die and might actually not be in danger, are only the tip of the iceberg of this titanic problem. Apparently, from coast to coast, children as young as three are posting metal lyrics using words like “murder”, “violence”, “cannibalism”, and “buttering”.

Exodus_Exhibit

 

According to the man who had Evans arrested, Greenville, Kentucky Police Chief Arthur Smathers, heavy metal is a “gateway drug to the death of the American way of life.”

 

Not only does Smathers believe that heavy metal lyrics on the Internet can lead to mass murder and acts of unspeakable cruelty, he believes it can even go so far as to lead America’s youth into the clutches of living an alternative lifestyle.

 

“Forget about all the violence and bloodshed and death for a second. Are you aware that many male heavy metal fans are, in fact, Homo sapiens? Also, many innocent young women who have been exposed heavy metal have had their lives ruined. Why…I know of several young women who have listened to one Exodus album and immediately moved to wicked places like Greenwich Village in order to become thespians.”

 

The Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, and state, federal and local police departments have encouraged all Metalhead Facebook Terrorists to turn themselves in at once and have offered limited edition 180 gram vinyl copies of Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” to the first 10,000 arrested.

 

In preparation for the mass arrest and quarantine of these miscreants, the United States seized Easter Island from whoever owns it and plans on turning it into a giant island sized “tolerance facility” in order to keep the public safe from potential terrorist acts of terror by these terrorists who use terror to strike terror into the hearts of Americans.

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FDA Approves Use Of Arsenic To Treat “Heavy Metal Dependence”

handsYou’ve probably seen them before.  Unshaven, lacking in basic dental hygiene, often having so-called “long hair”, clad in tee-shirts with pictures of murder, cannibalism and other anti-social acts condoned by some the leaders of our secular government.  This horde of axe-wielding maniacs and welfare recipients often refer to themselves as heavy metalheads and listen to bands with names like Gorguts, Bestial Walrus and Pungent Stench.  Some heavy metalheads listen to as many as seventeen hours worth of this music per day while participating in acts self-mutilation and animal sacrifice.  But now, there is hope.

In an attempt to cure these poor, wretched people of their dependence on this vile assault on good taste and middle class sensibility, the FDA today approved the use of arsenic in an attempt to treat what doctors have referred to as “heavy metal dependence”.  The term, first coined by Tipper Gore’s personal physician Dr. Sigmund Rascher, has been diagnosed in 3 percent of America’s youth and, if left untreated, can be fatal.

In clinic trials, arsenic, when administered in large doses and coupled with strychnine, a natural herb recently approved by the FDA to fight inefficiency in the workplace, has been nearly 100 percent effective in curing heavy metalheads of their disorder.  Mikey Melanoma, bass player from the band Malignant Cataplexy, recently emerged from his coma to talk about the powerful impact this new wonder drug has had on his life.  “I used to listen to Obituary, Death, Morbid Angel, Slayer…whatever I could get my hands on.  Now, all I really want to hear is soft piano music or the calm, soothing voice of my nurse bringing me apple juice.  I’m cured.”

Some concerns have been raised by doctors about the use of arsenic in treating heavy metal dependency.  Patients have reported blotching and severe skin rashes right before they slip into eternal slumber.  However, applying doctor prescribed topical ointments usually clears this up within 24 hours.  In spite of the side effects, the FDA stressed that arsenic is all natural, thus completely safe.

More help may be on the way next year.  The FDA is looking into special carbon dioxide masks that can help those averse to swallowing pills.  Special behavioral enhancement chambers are even being designed to cure hundreds of heavy metalheads at a time though the use of the carbon monoxide treatment.  Also, special behavioral modification chairs are being designed to zap thousands of volts into the brains of the afflicted in order to help them become less of a drain on the millions of taxpayers who support these disease-bearing mongrels.

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