The Westboro Baptist Church is at it again. This time, they have planned a massive protest at the funeral of Iron Maiden guitar player Janick Gers. There is only one problem; Gers believes that he is not dead.
“The whole thing is preposterous! My pulse is beating….you want to feel it,” claimed Gers to a roomful of skeptical reporters.
In spite of Gers protestations, the Internet has been filled with articles about his passing into the afterlife. Facebook has registered over 10,000 “RIP Janick” posts in the last several days. The Westboro Baptist Church has already flown 4,000 protestors to Des Moines, Iowa, where Gers’ memorial service is supposed to be held next week. Yet, in the face of overwhelming evidence, Gers will simply not admit that he is dead.
“You have to believe me! I’m alive! ALIVE!!!!!!” howled Gers as he fended off two EMTs who were trying to force him to lie down on a stretcher in order to be transported to the morgue.
The cause of death is yet to be determined and probably will not be until Gers agrees to an autopsy. So far, he has refused to be dissected. “If he’s alive, then let’s have him prove it,” said Des Moines Chief Medical Examiner Claude Perineum, “if we get in there and find out he’s telling the truth, we will immediately stich him back up and send him on his way. Otherwise, he’s just being dishonest and wasting the time and money of the taxpayers.”
While many in the metal world have grieved the supposed passing of Gers, Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps has been overjoyed. Phelps, who believes that America is being punished for its acceptance of gays and lesbians and its tolerance for high amounts of fluoride in the water supply, has already arrived in Iowa for the funeral. According to Phelps, “the decadent lifestyle and love of Satan preached by these British ne’er-do-wells has eroded the moral fabric of America. Iron Maiden’s singer, Ron Halford, is, in fact, an admitted homosexual!!!”
At a rally last night at The Des Moines Church of Christ The Climate Change Denier, Phelps announced that he had in his possession proof that heavy metal is a Trojan horse being used to turn America into a “breeding ground for the gay way of life”. “In my hand right now is a list of 205 homosexuals in the heavy metal world!” hollered Phelps with his grocery list grasped tightly and held over his head.
Many Iron Maiden fans plan to attend the memorial service whether Gers is dead or not. “Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all-time and, even though no one can figure out why they needed a third guitarist, this is indeed a terrible loss, if it is true, which it might not be,” said devout Maiden listener Kent Tekulve, who plans on walking over 1,000 miles from his home in Flagstaff, Arizona to the service.
#1 by The Yeldarbinator on May 27, 2013 - 7:57 AM
I just lost my mind.
#2 by Universe Number Five on May 27, 2013 - 8:38 AM
“He’s not dead, he’s restin’…”
#3 by Ace on May 30, 2013 - 11:40 AM
Tired out after an extremely long & pointless guitar solo.
#4 by bloodysven on October 16, 2013 - 2:51 AM
He’s not dead, he just smells bad
#5 by SeriouslyThough on May 27, 2013 - 8:53 AM
Rob Halford is not the singer for Iron Maiden. He is from Judas Priest and the singer for Iron Maiden is Bruce Dickinson. Bruce Dickinson is a Christian.
#6 by duck328 on May 27, 2013 - 9:02 AM
It’s a joke you dumb person!
#7 by dougfcknsteele on December 3, 2013 - 3:58 PM
The joke is that Janick, the luckiest man in metal, is riding the coat tails of Dave Murray and Adrian Smith. Third wheel bad.
#8 by sunshinefromshadows on May 27, 2013 - 9:57 AM
And besides, he said RON Halford. Who could in fact be the gay new singer for Iron Maiden. Keith is very on top of these things you know. He always has his ear to the ground because he hears voices there.
#9 by Keith Spillett on May 27, 2013 - 9:59 AM
It’s the worms. They speak to me. In Russian.
#10 by Carlos on May 27, 2013 - 11:42 PM
And even if he was the singer for Iron Maiden I have certainly never heard of any RON Halford, these people don’t seem to get their facts straight before thrashing on good people.
#11 by Lindsay on December 3, 2013 - 10:12 AM
You realize this entire article is satirical, right..?
#12 by gutgrinder on March 21, 2014 - 9:03 PM
dude, you know “the onion”, right? this shit’s like that…. just with a LOT of metal (based on my skimming).
the whole Gers thing is a joke, like a forced living funeral thing. as is… well, all of it. even the picture. notice the words on the sign, they actually are anti-christian and in rainbow. pretty off for WBC to do, eh?
#13 by Nikita Tissera on May 29, 2013 - 12:43 PM
Shut up Fred Phelps!
#14 by mirkinfirkin on May 27, 2013 - 10:34 AM
1. Phelps is right – we must preserve our precious bodily fluids.
2. UNDEAD! UNDEAD! UNDEAD!
3. Gers can live a happy and full unlife regardless of sexual persuasion in either Quebec (http://justjigglethehandle.wordpress.com/2013/04/19/in-a-step-forward-for-zombies-section/) or Haiti (http://justjigglethehandle.wordpress.com/2013/03/14/in-haitian-news/). If he moves to Quebec he is virtually guaranteed employment in the federal government (http://justjigglethehandle.wordpress.com/2013/03/14/in-haitian-news/).
4. THREE! THREE COMMENTS!
#15 by Jamie Crystal Martin on June 17, 2013 - 3:57 PM
#16 by mirkinfirkin on May 27, 2013 - 10:36 AM
The worms speak to you in Russian because Lenin’s grave is a Communist Plot
#17 by Keith Spillett on May 27, 2013 - 1:09 PM
#18 by chris baker on May 27, 2013 - 10:55 PM
#19 by 71jshelton on May 27, 2013 - 11:13 AM
I thought Gers was dead too.
#20 by Keith Spillett on May 27, 2013 - 1:10 PM
It is a safe assumption if you listen to the last few records.
#21 by Phfloydispink on December 10, 2013 - 12:03 PM
Still listening to Beatles records trying to figure out if Paul McCartney is alive or dead!!!
#22 by Martin d'Amour on May 27, 2013 - 2:58 PM
Was Gers ever alive??!
#23 by John Erickson on May 27, 2013 - 1:02 PM
I got two little niggles with ya. First, if you carve up a living being, it’s a vivisection, not a dissection. (I actually learned that on “The Simpsons”. 😯 ) The other is, I don’t think those refugees from failed lobotomies HAVE 4,000 supporters.
But I love the plan. Tempt Westboro into the middle of nowhere, surround ’em, and see how long they last. If you need an airstrike, I’ve got a couple military friends who could make that happen…. 😉
#24 by Keith Spillett on May 27, 2013 - 1:09 PM
Good point on the vivisection thing. It never occurred to me.
WBC is good to have around. I think of them as street theater for the terminally stupid.
#25 by John Erickson on May 27, 2013 - 1:30 PM
Um … you DID mean to say it was theater “OF”, not “FOR”, right? 😀
#26 by Keith Spillett on May 27, 2013 - 5:32 PM
of and for, actually
#27 by Lily on December 9, 2013 - 10:23 AM
except since there’s doubt that he’s alive it’s possible he might be dead. If that is in fact the case than it could still be classified as a dissection.
#28 by Magnus on May 27, 2013 - 3:31 PM
wait, he’s the guitarist?! i thought he was just a stage dancer.
#29 by Jay on May 27, 2013 - 4:50 PM
Westboro, I wouldn’t call yourself Christians. If you in fact read the bible( which I highly doubt that you do) we are taught to love. What you are showing is hatred. You are a cult of hate and not a church. How dare you call yourself Christians, when your doing the opposite of what Christ teaches. Love thy neighbor.. You should be ashamed of yourselves!
#30 by Keith Spillett on May 27, 2013 - 5:31 PM
Not to defend the WBC, but Sodom and Gomorrah and Job are in there as well. I think they are reflecting that side of the “creator”.
I just think it’s throwing a lot of silly prejudices under the banner of religion in order to make them seem acceptable. I doubt the religious aspect of the thing is a big motivator. Much bigger is the chance to blame problems on some “others” and dismiss your own issues.
#31 by Jon on May 27, 2013 - 5:45 PM
I agree with you Jay. How dare they call themselves Christians. They are nothing but hate mongors. How dare they call themselves a church!
#32 by DomW on May 28, 2013 - 7:56 AM
Agreed, Jay. It is funny, I might add, that the bible the WBC reads from ( in fact most Christians today) is the King James Version. Oh, and the Almighty King James? The most widely known homosexual king there ever was!! Damn, That would make WBC not only hypocrats, but homo’s as well!
#33 by Saxon Mosh on May 28, 2013 - 3:59 PM
What about that judging others bit in your bible there Jay?. Don’t do it me old son.
#34 by Ryan Schroedter on May 27, 2013 - 8:24 PM
My brain will explode trying to figure this out
#35 by mirkinfirkin on May 27, 2013 - 9:25 PM
They remind me of the undead and of Giant Killer Tomatoes. Thoughtless, vicious and squashy.
#36 by tony on May 28, 2013 - 1:44 AM
I like cheese!
#37 by Orange (a/k/a David) on May 28, 2013 - 9:33 AM
If Eddie would just visit Fred, I’m sure they could bury the hatchet … somewhere.
#38 by Keith Spillett on May 28, 2013 - 9:48 AM
Good old Fred Phelps. One of the great sources of comedy in the 21st century.
#39 by Orange (a/k/a David) on May 28, 2013 - 9:52 AM
Indeed. The GodHatesXXX web sites are so astounding in their creative oddity.
#40 by John Erickson on May 28, 2013 - 12:01 PM
Great source of comedy, you say? What a great idea! ‘Scuse me, I gotta go buy some anvils….
#41 by Dave on June 4, 2013 - 5:04 PM
Kent Tekulve. Love those shades, Kent.
#42 by Keith Spillett on June 4, 2013 - 5:44 PM
Gotta love that Pirate relief corps from the 70s.
#43 by Westboroshitkicker on June 10, 2013 - 11:42 AM
and they say that the guitarists are responsible for the moral decline in america, But how about the people who picket everything they don’t agree with. And try to discredit everything that they don’t believe in. You want to talk about the moral decline of civilization look at how selfish/ignorant/arrogant these people are. How about we picket the Westboro members funerals for taking us back to the year of 1950 where segregation was prevalent and hate crimes were in abundance…
#44 by jason whitman on December 9, 2013 - 1:04 PM
how about teaching children to hate others, aren’t they supposed to be innocent?
#45 by Fizzlenutz on October 15, 2013 - 3:17 PM
WB calling themselves a church is like calling Al Sharpton a Reverend. Can we say ‘hypocritical?’
#46 by Fizzlenutz on October 15, 2013 - 3:18 PM
Sorry that should be…- calling themselves christian not a church.
#47 by Metal Former on October 15, 2013 - 5:00 PM
Please don’t play tricks like this! I almost lost my mind! Nice article though and thinking about it these WBC assholes are so crazy they will eventually protest the funeral of people BEFORE they die….since they are supposed to talk to god and he can see the future, y’know! XD
#48 by Wogdog on December 3, 2013 - 5:21 PM
Kent Tekulve lives in PA and pitched for the Pirates in the 70’s….
#49 by dougfcknsteele on December 3, 2013 - 5:23 PM
Janick, like Kirk Hammet, are the luckiest men in Metal. The sooner they retire, the better for my ears.
#50 by Brandon on December 3, 2013 - 7:33 PM
Ron Halford? you idiot! Bruce Dickinson is the vocalist. You are clueless about Maiden.
#51 by Dan on April 1, 2014 - 2:12 AM
Dude, this article is so obviously a joke… like c’mon man.
#52 by Elliott Michaels on December 4, 2013 - 5:25 PM
Okay, I realize this is all satire, but it’s also based on established beliefs and attitudes among the politically influential. With that in mind, I wish Reverend Phelps and his entire flock would run for the hills … run for their lives!
#53 by Jake Rogge on December 9, 2013 - 11:02 AM
First off, he’s not dead, so Fuck off!! Second ROB Halford, yes, is a homosexual ( so what) and he is the Singer in Judas Priest not Iron Maiden. Iron Maidens singer is Bruce Dickinson. The reason Iron Maiden has 3 guitarists is because after Adrian Smith left and took a sabbatical, Maiden hired Janick Gers (from Bruce Dickinsons solo project) to replace him. When Adrian came back they let him. Since they are a melidoc band and harmonize their solos, the more the merrier. ;And I have heard nothing good about the Westboro Baptist church. I feel Fred Phelps should drink the “kool-aid” of his cult and wash his mouth out with a shotgun, In my opinion. Protesting military funerals, what an idiot. I personally would like to meet him so we can talk!!
#54 by Lily on December 9, 2013 - 3:03 PM
Buy a dictionary
Look up the word satire
#55 by Keith Barto on December 9, 2013 - 11:37 AM
This is gotta be the strangest rumor I have heard in a long time..and the church pastor is seriously warped. Janick ain’t dead ,reverend; but I’ll be sure to come protest at your funeral, which couldn’t come soon enough if u ask me
#56 by Keith Barto on December 9, 2013 - 11:50 AM
Fred Phelps is probably upset that Iron Maiden won’t let him be the 4th guitarist/stage stage decoration. I guess in his mind, it goes like this “three gtr players, all playing six strings,.. Equals 666!!, The Mark of the Beast!!! Noooooooooo!!” ..makes about as much sense as hiring an Amish guy to program your television Remote
#57 by John Erickson on December 9, 2013 - 4:42 PM
Ooo, careful there, Mr. Barto. My wife used to drive Amish around, and there’s a lot of them that carry cellphones or smartphones. And I can’t do justice to the giggles you can get from going to pass an Amish buggy at night, and seeing the light blue glow in the back from the kids playing on their Gameboys and such! There are whole catalogues of stuff powered by car batteries, as well – that’s how they get around the big “no dependence on English (non-Amish) utilities”. They have little sheds out by the road that have an electric line leading to banks of battery chargers. If it wasn’t against their religion, they would make kick-ass lawyers – they can ALWAYS figure a way ’round their “no-no” rules! 😀
#58 by Jake Rogge on December 9, 2013 - 11:50 AM
I’ll see you there, man
#59 by Kerri Lou on March 22, 2014 - 2:20 AM
BRAINS~ HAHAHHAA Hope the HELL HOUNDS were not upset Phelps had none!!! FEAST BABY IN HELL!!~ SLAYER RULES!!!!!
#60 by Geraldine Peters on April 2, 2014 - 3:33 PM
When did ‘Ron Halford’ front maiden someone should tell Bruce Dickinson, Janick looked pretty alive at Download last year lol.
#61 by Keith Spillett on April 2, 2014 - 5:21 PM
That was his robot replacement. The resemblance is uncanny.
#62 by sheila m on April 8, 2014 - 8:18 AM
I think that we should support the WBC sending its members to protest funearals of people who are not dead! Then they won’t have time to bother the family and friends who are really in mourning for lost loved ones .. and eventually it woll bankrupt them!
#63 by dave on October 22, 2014 - 1:30 PM
The Monty python sketch comes to mind. `im not dead yet.`