The Tyranny of Tradition

Charlie Narveson’s Hands

Martha and Aaron Narveson have done their best to raise their 9-year-old Charlie the right way.  He attends a good school, has eaten a healthy diet for the better part of his life and is an altar boy at one of the top rated churches in the country.  They have followed all of the habits and rituals that should have resulted in a creating a well-adjusted, perfect 9-year-old.  However, they were astonished last year when Charlie awoke with a severe case of equamanusitis, a rare condition where a person spontaneously grows hooves.

At first, they believed that environmental factors had led to their son’s horse-like transformation.  They had a complete diagnostic workup done on the water in their home.  They checked their basement for radon.  They had Charlie checked for an additional thyroid gland.  They even had a local priest perform an exorcism on Charlie and Irma, the family’s Yorkshire terrier.  After all of the obvious possibilities had been exhausted, they began to realize the problem was right under their nose.

They had bought Charlie a copy of Vader’s 2006 record “Impressions in Blood” for his 8^th birthday, mistakenly believing the album was music to one of the Star Wars films.  Charlie immediately fell in love with the album, particularly the song “Field of Heads”, which he listened to everyday before going off to school.  Once the parents started thinking about the album, all the pieces fell into place.  “Charlie started listening to Vader, then he grew hooves.  Cause and effect.  It’s obvious what happened to him.  We should have known it was the problem all along,” said Martha in an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition.

The parents immediately stopped Charlie from listening to Vader and rushed him to Dr. Clint Murphy, an expert in the field of Vader related illnesses.  According to Dr. Murphy, Vader’s crushing rhythms and punishing vocals penetrated the inner walls of Charlie’s cerebellum and caused his body to have a strange and rare reaction.

As odd as this condition seems to be, Dr. Murphy treats over 100 patients a year who have had physical problems caused by exposure to Vader albums.   He’s seen Vader listeners have problems that run the gamut from minor respiratory issues to a woman from Muncie, Indiana who suddenly began growing scallions out of her back.

Charlie has stayed clear of Vader for three months, but his hooves are still with him.  He no longer has the urge to whinny at passing cars or eat carrots out of his parents’ hands, but he certainly has a long way to go.  According to Dr. Murphy, if he can stay Vader-free for the next year or so, he might return to his old self.  If not, the parents are planning on entering him into the Belmont Stakes in 2015.