Posts Tagged hooves

“Exfoliations and Exorcisms” Spa Will Clean Your Skin and Soul For $99.99

Phil Anselmo After His Relaxing Exorcism (photo by Matthew Germain)

Phil Anselmo After His Relaxing Exorcism (photo by Matthew Germain)

(Soothing light jazz plays under the deep, soothing announcer’s voice)

 

Everybody has been there before. You have a huge party coming up later in the evening; you have oily skin, nothing to wear and the spirit of the demon Pazuzu inhabiting your body.  Lucky for you, Exfoliations and Exorcisms can get you ready for that big night on the town.

Stop by any of our locations in order to get your treatment today.  Our trained staff of herbocologists, pharmacological nail technicians, botanists, zoologists, epidericololgical skin replicators, colonic refabricators and preachers will get looking like a million bucks without having to pay sell your soul. Just sit back, relax and be cleansed of all of the ultra-violet rays and satanic entities that have been weighing you down.

Step into an oasis of calm in a fallen world. We offer several fast, affordable treatments including holy water facials, avocado dead skin mask acne eradication, laser stigmata removal, horn maintenance, tail elimination, hoof waxing and head rotations.

Next time your afternoon is turning into a living hell, stop by Exfoliations and Exorcisms. We have 18 area locations where you can be washed in the cool, soothing waters of eternal damnation.   Call us at 1-800-CALMAWAITS to schedule your consultation and pick up your free pint of yak’s blood.

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Parents Believe Listening To Vader Caused 9-Year-Old To Grow Hooves

Charlie Narveson's Hands

Charlie Narveson’s Hands

Martha and Aaron Narveson have done their best to raise their 9-year-old Charlie the right way.  He attends a good school, has eaten a healthy diet for the better part of his life and is an altar boy at one of the top rated churches in the country.  They have followed all of the habits and rituals that should have resulted in a creating a well-adjusted, perfect 9-year-old.  However, they were astonished last year when Charlie awoke with a severe case of equamanusitis, a rare condition where a person spontaneously grows hooves.

At first, they believed that environmental factors had led to their son’s horse-like transformation.  They had a complete diagnostic workup done on the water in their home.  They checked their basement for radon.  They had Charlie checked for an additional thyroid gland.  They even had a local priest perform an exorcism on Charlie and Irma, the family’s Yorkshire terrier.  After all of the obvious possibilities had been exhausted, they began to realize the problem was right under their nose.

They had bought Charlie a copy of Vader’s 2006 record “Impressions in Blood” for his 8th birthday, mistakenly believing the album was music to one of the Star Wars films.  Charlie immediately fell in love with the album, particularly the song “Field of Heads”, which he listened to everyday before going off to school.  Once the parents started thinking about the album, all the pieces fell into place.  “Charlie started listening to Vader, then he grew hooves.  Cause and effect.  It’s obvious what happened to him.  We should have known it was the problem all along,” said Martha in an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition.

The parents immediately stopped Charlie from listening to Vader and rushed him to Dr. Clint Murphy, an expert in the field of Vader related illnesses.  According to Dr. Murphy, Vader’s crushing rhythms and punishing vocals penetrated the inner walls of Charlie’s cerebellum and caused his body to have a strange and rare reaction.

As odd as this condition seems to be, Dr. Murphy treats over 100 patients a year who have had physical problems caused by exposure to Vader albums.   He’s seen Vader listeners have problems that run the gamut from minor respiratory issues to a woman from Muncie, Indiana who suddenly began growing scallions out of her back.

Charlie has stayed clear of Vader for three months, but his hooves are still with him.  He no longer has the urge to whinny at passing cars or eat carrots out of his parents’ hands, but he certainly has a long way to go.  According to Dr. Murphy, if he can stay Vader-free for the next year or so, he might return to his old self.  If not, the parents are planning on entering him into the Belmont Stakes in 2015.

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