Posts Tagged Phil Anselmo

Mother of Unvaccinated 2-Year-Old: “Why Does My Daughter Look Like Phil Anselmo?”

2-Year-Old Spumoni Doltberg

2-Year-Old Spumoni Doltberg

Looks like the whole “Americans choosing not vaccinate their children crisis thing that everyone seems to be worked up about” has gone to a new level!

When a woman in Menlo Park, California showed up at a local emergency room with a nearly 6 foot tall, bearded 2-year-old with an “Unscarred” tattoo across her flabby stomach, doctors believed something might be wrong. It was then that Helen Doltberg revealed to the staff that she had not had her child vaccinated for any disease in the hopes of being more like some of the B-list, crackpot celebrities she stares blankly at on the television in her free time.

“Look, it’s a competitive world out there. How can I possibly expect to keep up with the demands of work and parenting while still trying to get my family its own reality show? The answer is…no vaccines.”

“Sure, Spumoni (Helen’s daughter) may end up with some virus that science eradicated decades ago, but it seemed just as likely that she would morph into some attention grabbing, cloven-hooved beast that television producers couldn’t ignore. We took a risk. But, we never expected anything like this.”

This would be the first reported case of Anselmo contracted in the United States since 2005. Back in 1938, Dr. Jonas Liposuct famously created a vaccine for the virus from mold that had accumulated on a 4-year-old Twinkie. Until the vaccine was created, over 20,000 Americans were infected with Anselmo on a yearly basis.

One of The Infected

Former American President Chester Arthur During a Brief Bout With Anselmo in The Year 536 BCE

The long history of Anslemo-related deaths in the United States goes back to the 1700s when Sir Jeffrey Amherst distributed blankets infected with the disease to members of the Fugawi tribe in Massachusetts killing off nearly 90 percent of them within 3 weeks. Amherst later had a town and a college named after him in honor of his great spirit of generosity and creativity.

The first recorded case of Anselmo struck a group of Taters who contracted the virus by eating chimpanzees during their voyage through one of the Italian rainforests in the 1340s. The Taters went on to attack the Italian city of Caffa in 1346, but were so overwhelmed by the virus that they gave up their siege. Still, determined to inflict the maximum amount of suffering on the residents of Caffa in order to avenge the theft of The Sacred Spud from the Tater city of Fribourg back in 1273, they became the first army to attempt the use of biological warfare.  The last remaining Tater soldiers vaulted Anselmo infected bodies over the city walls infecting the entire population of the city with the deadly virus as well as causing the city’s burgeoning thrash metal scene to adopt a more “groove-oriented” sound.

The Obama Administration was initially blamed for allowing an American to contract the disease, but claimed to have been too busy infecting dwarves with measles and rubella in their attempt to turn Disneyland into a FEMA concentration camp. Because Obama and his cabal of Kenyan communists were unavailable to be held accountable for this problem, the media has shifted its focus to blaming athletes who do not act as role models, Congressional gridlock, Craigslist, radical Islamic groups throughout the Middle East, people who receive welfare, the police, members of the rap group 2 Live Crew, Chinese toy manufacturers, puppy mill owners, and Casey Anthony.

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Protests Erupt As Pantera Singer Announces Same-Sex Reunion Tour

Pantera

Fourteen activists were arrested yesterday afternoon in Muskogee, Oklahoma during a rally to protest Pantera’s plans for a series of heavy metal same-sex reunion concerts. The protestors were enraged by comments made by singer Phil Anselmo during a press conference last week.  The controversial singer announced an eleven state arena tour in which all members of the band on stage would be male (including a yet to be named male guitarist who will fill-in for Dimebag Darrell).

The “Far Beyond Homogeneity Tour” will feature the members of the band in tight tee shirts and jeans dancing provocatively while playing songs like “Domination”, “5 Minutes Alone” and even “Hard Ride” from the oft-forgotten Power Metal album.  The tour will be supported by metal legends Sodom.

The announcement sent religious groups into an immediate furor. Anthony Perkins, President of The Family Research Council and star of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic horror film “Psycho”, was particularly appalled by the announcement.  “Four men, writhing and squirming on stage in the unholy bonds of a heavy metal performance is not what God intended.  It’s perverse.  Metal should be between a man and a woman.”

Pantera

Same-sex metal performances are illegal in 39 of 50 states.  A few states like California and Iowa have recently passed ballot initiatives to allow these sorts of gatherings, while other states have grown more restrictive.

Recently, Mississippi outlawed same-sex water fountains while Alabama has gotten rid of same-sex bathrooms. Georgia has gone so far as to decree that men cannot use the same hairbrush or eat from the same buffet at Golden Corral.  The Kentucky State Legislature is currently considering a bill that would restrict same-sex consumption of funnel cake.

While some states have adopted radical stances against same-sex metal, others like Nevada have taken a more cautious approach favoring “don’t ask, don’t tell” legislation that does not require bands to disclose the gender of the band’s members.  Many politicians within the state, including gubernatorial candidate Ernest Rohm, believe that same-sex metal is fine as long as bands don’t go “waving their gender all over the place.”

In an October interview with Billy Graham’s Witchhunt Magazine, Rohm went so far as to claim he likes some heavy metal, has a few same-sex heavy metal friends and once employed a gardener who loved metal.  “Honestly, with all that long hair, you can’t really tell, in most cases at least, the gender of metal musicians.  I mean, Bon Jovi was my favorite band in the world until I realized Richie Sambora was a man.”

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Breaking News: Phil Anselmo Bans Spikes, Bullet Belts From City of Austin

Phil Anselmo Hello Kitty

Citing last-minute “security concerns”, former Razor White frontman Phil Anselmo declared a ban on all spikes and bullet belts within the Austin city limits for the duration of the Housecore Horror Film Festival, which is has been in full-swing since Thursday, October 24.

“Anyone coming into town with any bullet belts, spikes, or studs will need to turn around and take them home,” said the singer, “you could leave them in San Antonio, or even San Marcos, but you can’t bring them here.”

Anselmo, best known for his performance on Pantera’s 1988 LP, Power Metal, then expanded his statement, saying, “In fact, I don’t think I want to see any wallet chains, combat boots, black clothing, or threatening-looking tattoos or piercings either. So if that’s your trip, you aren’t welcome here. That’s not what the Housecore Horror Fest is about.”

Whether or not this will put a damper on attendance at the festival remains to be seen. Stay tuned right here for up to the minute coverage of this breaking story.

EDIT: New reports from participating downtown venues confirm that all ticket holders will be allowed entry, provided they change into pink and white Hello Kitty t-shirts provided by festival promoters.

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Comedian Jerry Dillon Retires “Phil Anselmo” Character

Phil Anselmo

Jeff AD is currently researching the connection between Pantera listening and spinal meningitis at University of West Virginia.  His book, Pantera, Whiskey and The New South, is scheduled to be released in October.  He is currently a contributing writer at Tyranny of Tradition.  He has a pancreas.

Actor comedian Jerry Dillon, best known for his long-running character Phil Anselmo, tells The Tyranny of Tradition that he is retiring his hard-rocking alter ego at the end of November. The decision coincides with the Housecore Horror Film Festival, ostensibly hosted by Anselmo, that will be held this weekend in Austin, Texas.

“It was a tough decision,” stated Dillon of his beloved character, “but after 27 years of portraying Phil, I feel like it had run its course. It’s still funny, and people enjoy it, but I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself.”

The versatile performer has portrayed several other characters on shows like Saturday Night Live and Chappelle’s Show, but it was the Anselmo persona that took Dillon to fame and fortune, albeit one that blurred the line between identities.

“Part of what made Phil a challenge is that I’d sometimes lose myself in there,” said the actor, “and I’d start to really think I was a brain-damaged redneck metal singer. And I always had to be ‘on’, whether it meant saying something totally stupid or doing an absurd live performance with one of the bands I created for Phil.”

The most popular “band” was Pantera, a heavy metal parody act co-created by David Wallace, who also portrayed guitarist Dimebag Darrel and participated in many skits and performances with Dillon. The two started collaborating in 1986 and proved to be a formidable comedy duo until they parted ways in 2003, which was punctuated by a staged break-up and feud. Neither actor broke character or discussed the genuine reasons for the split, though Dillon admits he was somewhat bothered by the way Wallace retired his character.

“That was pretty over the top,” he laughed. “Killing off the character on stage seemed kind of tacky at the time, because it upset a lot of our fans. Dave knew what he was doing, though. These days, the Dimebag character is more popular than ever.”

Indeed, merchandise for Pantera, Dimebag Darrel, and Phil Anselmo continues to rake in sales, and Dillon is satisfied with his legacy. But apparently the Emmy-winning actor is ready to move on.

“I’m looking forward to writing new material, acting with different people, and maybe coming up with some new alter ego to inhabit. I’ll always love being Phil, though. It was a blast to play him.”

Actor Jeffrey Wielandt, who often appears with Dillon and portrays the popular Zakk Wylde character, could not be reached for comment.

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Rumors of 2013 Pantera Reunion Picking Up Steam

In a story that may set the entire metal world on its ear, several sources have speculated that Pantera may reunite to play a series of shows in 2013.  Pantera, whose seminal Vulgar Display of Power record turned 20 this year, have been broken up since 2003.  The band was a major force in heavy metal, topping the billboard album charts in 1994 with their release Far Beyond Driven. A Pantera reunion would, no doubt, be the concert event of 2013, if not of this decade.

The rumors began during a conversation last week between my friend Matt and I.  We were discussing the merits of “The Great Southern Trendkill” and I mentioned, “Wouldn’t it be great if they got back together!?!?!”

Matt replied, “Yeah!  I’d travel anywhere in the country to see them, but Vinny and Phil are on really bad terms since Dime died.   No chance.”

I looked at Matt and said, “But there would a lot of money on the table.  A whole lot of money.  My cousin Johnny ate a bag of thumbtacks once for 20 dollars.  He ended up having to have surgery and now he can’t drink milk or ginger ale.  He was never right afterwards.  Sometimes, he acts like he’s a pirate and digs enormous holes in his backyard looking for treasure.  He even makes fake treasure maps and ‘finds’ them in strange places that he hid them hours earlier.  The point is, this Pantera reunion can happen if someone, like maybe the Koch Brothers or George Soros or somebody big puts about 100 million in front of them.  That sort of cash moves mountains.”

Paulie Reznik, the guy we hired to fix the hole in our roof from last week’s storm, confirmed that a Pantera reunion could happen.  “It could happen, man.  For sure,” said Paulie, a diehard Pantera fan and owner of nearly 300 heavy metal bobblehead dolls, in a recent interview with Tyranny of Tradition.

However, my wife adamantly denied the possibility of a Pantera tour.  She claimed that the rumors are baseless, that I had skipped a dosage of my medication again and that I was ‘allegedly’ pretending that things that I make up are really happening.  “Honey, why don’t you go lay down for a while?  You’re doing that thing where you are confusing fantasy and reality.  Remember last month you thought Picasso had come back from the grave and told you to spray paint the cat orange and speak only in Aramaic?  That wasn’t true either.  You just need some rest.”

Pantera, for their part, have yet to comment on the rumors.  Often, when a person or group refuses to confirm or deny a story it is because there is some truth to it.  Where there is smoke there is fire, or so the saying goes.  If Pantera continues to refuse to comment on the rumors that I am making up, you can pretty much bet your life savings that they will be back on the stage in 2013.  Sometimes silence speaks volumes.

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Friday Night At The Masquerade With In Solitude

Photos by Shannon Mcginty-Spillett

The first thing you need to know about seeing a metal show in the American South, Atlanta in particular, is that almost every person in the audience is going to look nearly identical.  It’s beyond bizarre.  Standing there in the middle of the ballroom floor at The Masquerade, my wife and I could have easily been at a casting call for actors looking to play Slayer’s Kerry King in a movie.  Short, squat, bald with scruffy beards, tattoos and black shirts.  How do the police ever tell them apart?

The evening started promisingly enough.  My wife and I were accosted by some inebriated, bearded lunatic in a panel van who slowed up to tell us his motor was dying, then drove off when he noticed the can of mace my wife was clutching tightly in her right hand.  The van, which had an ominous Mothers For Palin sticker emblazoned on the back, had clearly been used in some sort of white slavery ring that we collectively wanted no part of.  But these things happen from time to time.

Dressed For Excess

We were there to see In Solitude, but most of the throngs of concertgoers were there to see Down.  We had no such plans.  We are two middle-aged adults who have learned to value a good night’s sleep over the wild excesses of staying out past 10 to see a band.  The original plan had us dipping out by 9 o’clock after the In Solitude set so that we could collapse into an orgy of Chinese food and Friday night re-runs.  Unfortunately, The Masquerade pulled the old bait and switch on us and put some highly talented but unfortunately named band called “Pony Killer” on before In Solitude.  My wife and I retreated to the benches outside where I was given a Nobel worthy dissertation on the entire life history Jeff Loomis, formerly of the band Nevermore, by some complete stranger with a broken leg wearing a shirt featuring Jesus smoking a cigarette.

As we walked into the club, I noticed Crowbar singer and Charles Addams cartoon character Kirk Windstein standing about 15 feet away from me.  I have always loved Crowbar and I thought strongly about getting a picture with him, but I had some concerns.  I had met Windstedt once before in Albany, New York when they were opening for Sacred Reich in the mid-90s.  Our brief meeting took place as we stood next to each other at a urinal before their band went on.  I excitedly stammered, “YOU’RE The GUY from CROWBAR!!!!!”  Windstein silently looked straight ahead at the wall and tried to escape my glowing gaze.  When I reached my hand out to try to pat him on the back, he sprinted out of the restroom with a terrified look on his face.  It was a highly awkward moment that I had repeated over and over in my mind for the last 15 years.  Out of sheer concern he might have remembered my poorly timed outburst, I put my head down and kept walking.

I was horribly bored standing in the audience before the set.  The thing you forget about shows when you are not there is the pure tedium between bands.  Standing on your left foot, then your right, smelling the guy next to you who hasn’t washed his Watain shirt in about five concerts, watching the one lonely guy in the Incantation shirt pace and talk to himself, randomly thinking about how your 401K performed last week.  You get a brief rush when the guitar tech comes out to check the levels, then, nothing.  Ten more minutes of overhearing conversations about what the real meaning of Black Metal is.  Sheer mind-numbing misery.

Pelle The Conquerer

All of a sudden, I felt my head snap backwards.  In a wild rush of incense and power, In Solitude appeared on stage and launched into a violently surging version of “The World, The Flesh, The Devil”.  Adrenaline shot through my veins.  My pulse went from a calm, resting 60 to an unrestrained, thumping 180 in a fleeting span of seconds.  I felt like a had been sleeping in the middle of a highway and raised my head up only to see an 18 wheel tractor trailer bearing down on me.  IT had begun.

The way they started out was pure magic.  The first thing you notice about In Solitude is presence.  Some bands act like they plan to spend the entire show apologizing to you for being up there.  Other bands act like they completely and unquestionably belong where they are.  They command your attention and hold it unreservedly for the duration of their set.  In Solitude falls squarely into the latter camp.  They are there for a reason and you WILL understand that reason before they are finished.  The stage was simply too small for them.  They were hooked uncompromisingly into the Master Cylinder, bringing a message that transcended all other thoughts and ideas that had existed in me up till the moment of their arrival.  They demanded complete and total connection and, with their every action, settled for nothing less.

Their set covered most of the critical material from their two albums.  The crowd, which was clearly more inclined to listen to slow, lurching southern metal riffs, was won over by the third song.  Wild-eyed singer Pelle “Hornper” Ahman managed to work the crowd into a bloodthirsty frenzy through a series of high-pitched shrieks and animalistic antics that ran the gamut from spasmodically shaking his thin frame to ramming the microphone into his head.  The only thing I could possibly compare his energy level to are the few live recordings I’ve seen of Paul Di’Anno fronting Iron Maiden at The Ruskin Arms around the time Killers was out.  Ahman simply hemorrhages sweat and intensity to the point where you are concerned for his well-being.  By the time Down front man and metal legend Phil Anselmo strode out on stage in a Ghost shirt to bellow a few bars of “To Her Darkness” with the band, their was no doubt that this was an act on the precipice of greatness.

Anselmo Tears It Up

There is simply something unique and memorable about In Solitude.  They are cut out for greater things.  Even my wife, who finds the B-52s to be a bit on the heavy side, seemed deeply impressed with how they carried it.  We witnessed something arrestingly powerful last night at The Masquerade and everyone there knew it.  The performance seemed to be part of an elaborate first act in a career that will have a lot to say about the direction metal music is going in.

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