Posts Tagged Watain

Triple Crown Winner American Pharoah Eaten By Members of Heavy Metal Band Watain

Watain

Have you ever been so hungry you could eat a horse? On Sunday night, members of the black metal band Watain did just that.

At the end of an impromptu show at Wantagh, Long Island’s VFW Hall 3666, singer Erik Danielsson and the rest of the band carved up the now-legendary horse American Pharoah and consumed him raw. After the band concluded their concert and meal, they donated the remaining edible flesh of the animal to the audience of nearly one hundred formerly enlisted soldiers who served our country with honor during The Korean War and World War 2.

The thoroughbred’s owner Ahmed Zayat, who himself plays in a Megadeth cover band called Hoof in Mouth, is a huge fan of heavy metal and Watain in particular. He demanded that trainer Bob Baffert play Watain’s seminal metal song “Reaping Death” for at least an hour during each of Pharoah’s workouts in order to inspire the horse to greatness. Zayat’s love for the band is so great, that he gave up the hundreds of millions of dollars in stud fees that the horse was bound to command in order to “feed Satan’s Hunger” and pay tribute to his heroes.

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Many parts of a horse are not consumable by human beings. In an attempt to be environmentally conscious by not wasting unused horse parts, the band threw many of the animal’s organs into the mosh pit of elderly servicemen during their show. Later in the evening, in a prank inspired by Francis Ford Coppola’s seminal film “The Godfather”, they broke into the nearby summer home of Slayer guitarist Kerry King and placed the beast’s head in bed next to him.

While eating a raw horse is rare among metal bands, involvement in the sport of horse racing is certainly not unprecedented among some of the genre’s legendary figures. Former Samhain vocalist Glenn Danzig is believed to have sired several horses that have run in past Triple Crown events including 2007 Kentucky Derby runner up Twist of Cain and 2011 Preakness winner Her Black Wings.

Metal has also seen its share of horse racing controversy. Texas gore metallers Devourment were briefly detained by police back in 2003 when they were thought to have stolen and consumed the body of diminutive jockey Willie Shoemaker. Shoemaker’s remains were found safely weeks later in a basement in Kenosha, Wisconsin.

The question on everyone’s mind after the evening’s festivities was just how did the horse taste? According to Danielsson, “Kind of like baby.”

Watain American Pharaoh

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Punk Rocker Joel Grind Supports PETA

Joel Grind Wearing His Favorite PVC Leather Jacket. (Photo: Matthew Germain)

Joel Grind Wearing His Favorite PVC Leather Jacket (Photo: Matthew Germain)

OREGON — Radioactive punk rocker Joel Grind announced Wednesday that he now supports PETA, flaunting his brilliant lavender PVC leather jacket in the process.

The Toxic Holocaust frontman cited black metal star Daniel Eriksson – frontman of militant demon rights group Watain – as an influence. “For many years, I have been a Watain fan. I scrutinized every detail of the band right down to the condition of the bassist’s hair ends,” said the blonde 32-year-old.

“Back in June, while working backstage at a Watain gig, I noticed that Daniel had a suspiciously light-red leather jacket. While he wasn’t looking, I checked the jacket’s tag and what do you know? It’s 66.6% PVC. So I checked his favorite black leather jacket’s tag and, yes, it’s also 66.6% PVC.”

Initially surprised that Eriksson, a renowned goat farmer and pig vampire, is not using real leather, Grind confronted Eriksson after the show.

“I just grabbed Daniel by his bony shoulders and said, ‘Look man, I know your leather jackets are fake. How can you be so un-kvlt?’ And then Daniel looked me in the eye and said, ‘Boy, what makes you think black metal stars earn enough to buy real leather jackets?’ I was floored; it was the wisest thing I heard all my life.”

Since then, Grind only buys pure PVC leather jackets. He later joined PETA because he “might as well go all the way.”

Born and raised in Delaware, Grind started listening to hardcore punk and thrash metal to escape his agricultural reality and repel farm girls. Now based in Oregon, the newly minted PETA supporter plans to spend more time raising awareness about the merits of PVC leather jackets. To appeal to minority groups, his first major project will involve playing the next 666 Toxic Holocaust concerts clad in jackets of color. Reportedly, Grind will alternate between the seven rainbow colors.

According to PETA spokesman Gaahl Goroth, Grind will soon begin a Twitter campaign aimed at converting leather-wearing metal musicians to PVC supporters, too. Pictures of Grind wearing nothing but his PVC jackets while lying down in suggestive positions will be circulated and made viral through hashtags such as #SayYesToFalseLeather, #JamesHetfield and #TweetMeLikeOneOfYourFrenchGirls.

Furthermore, Grind has announced that he will picket the release of Pokemon Alpha Sapphire and Omega Ruby this November at Nintendo’s flagship store in New York City. Members of animal rights groups Earth Crisis, Cattle Decapitation, Heaven Shall Burn and Vegan Reich are expected to join him.

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Watain to Cover “Let It Be”; Kill Remaining Beatles

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In what may be the most bold and audacious publicity stunt in the history of heavy metal, black metal superstars Watain plan to murder the two living members of the band the Beatles to coincide with the release of their next record “Death’s Dark Darkness Darkens”.  However, in tribute to the most famous band in rock and roll history, they also have planned to open the album with a black metal reworking of the Beatles classic “Let It Be”.

Killing both Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney will certainly not be a simple task, especially since the band has announced its intentions in advance.  However, according to lead singer and former Mossad assassin Erik Danielsson, getting to Ringo might not be all that difficult.  “Honestly, if you look at the guy, he’s about two glasses of wine away from renal failure.  He’s in such bad shape, the other day he asked Lemmy if he could borrow his liver.”

That being said, getting to McCartney could be much more difficult.  Immediately after plans for his execution by Watain were announced, he moved into an underground bunker guarded by former Secret Service members along with twelve members of the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang.  In spite of the obstacles, Danielsson feels that the band’s high level training in urban combat, guerilla warfare and carjacking will allow them to overpower the guards and “have McCartney’s head on a stick on the roof of our tour bus by July.”

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Watain are no strangers to assassinations.  Guitarist Pelle Forsberg was a member of Seal Team Six, the group responsible for the murder to noted terrorist and blogger Osama Bin Laden.  According to recently released CIA documents, drummer Hakan Jonsson orchestrated several attempts on the life of Cuban leader Fidel Castro, including trying to send him exploding cigars and planning a misguided endeavor where Castro would be trapped in his bedroom and drowned in thousands of tons of frozen yogurt.

Danielsson remains confident in the slaying abilities of Watain.  “Look, if we could get to Robert Kennedy, Malcolm X, Whitney Houston and the drummer from Hanoi Rocks, what makes you think we can’t put that little twerp McCartney in the ground?”

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Supreme Court Finds Moment of Prayer Before Atheist Concert To Be Unconstitutional

Florida death metal band Atheist thought they were doing the right thing for their community.  They had been scheduled to play a series of concerts during lunch at local elementary schools throughout the Tampa/Clearwater area in order to spread the appreciation of music and the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  However, on Thursday, the US Supreme Court upheld a law that prohibits prayer during metal concerts on public school grounds.  In effect, this means that Atheist and other faith-based death metal bands are no longer allowed to pray before concerts at public schools.

A good number of local politicians and parents have denounced the decision, which shocked most legal experts who are used to the government letting people get away with anything they want as long as they invoke the name of the Christian God.  Members of the band Atheist are particularly outraged by the Court’s ruling, which they believe prohibits their constitutionally guaranteed right to pressure young school children into conforming to wildly absurd community standards.  According to Atheist drummer Steve Flynn, “if music can’t be used as a tool of forcing children into the belief that every mistake they make could potentially earn them an eternity of torment, what’s the point of even playing?”

Atheist has been known for their outspoken Christian beliefs over the past few years.  They refuse to play concerts on Sundays and have been known to throw Chick-Fila sandwiches at anyone wearing satanic black metal shirts or mocking Tim Tebow’s throwing arm.  They played several fundraisers earlier in the year for Presidential candidate Rick Santorum and have even dedicated their song “Faux King Christ” to Moral Majority Founder Jerry Falwell at a concert in July.

The Court has not been shy recently over taking cases involving religion and heavy metal.  Last year, they ruled 5 to 4 that members of the band Deicide can be forced to do the Pledge of Allegiance before concerts in spite of the fact that they are Jehovah’s Witnesses and their faith prohibits saluting secular symbols.  In a landmark case back in 2008, they ruled that the black metal band Watain was prohibited from throwing out non-Kosher animal parts into the audience during concerts taking place in a synagogue.

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