Posts Tagged Malcolm X

Watain to Cover “Let It Be”; Kill Remaining Beatles

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In what may be the most bold and audacious publicity stunt in the history of heavy metal, black metal superstars Watain plan to murder the two living members of the band the Beatles to coincide with the release of their next record “Death’s Dark Darkness Darkens”.  However, in tribute to the most famous band in rock and roll history, they also have planned to open the album with a black metal reworking of the Beatles classic “Let It Be”.

Killing both Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney will certainly not be a simple task, especially since the band has announced its intentions in advance.  However, according to lead singer and former Mossad assassin Erik Danielsson, getting to Ringo might not be all that difficult.  “Honestly, if you look at the guy, he’s about two glasses of wine away from renal failure.  He’s in such bad shape, the other day he asked Lemmy if he could borrow his liver.”

That being said, getting to McCartney could be much more difficult.  Immediately after plans for his execution by Watain were announced, he moved into an underground bunker guarded by former Secret Service members along with twelve members of the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang.  In spite of the obstacles, Danielsson feels that the band’s high level training in urban combat, guerilla warfare and carjacking will allow them to overpower the guards and “have McCartney’s head on a stick on the roof of our tour bus by July.”

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Watain are no strangers to assassinations.  Guitarist Pelle Forsberg was a member of Seal Team Six, the group responsible for the murder to noted terrorist and blogger Osama Bin Laden.  According to recently released CIA documents, drummer Hakan Jonsson orchestrated several attempts on the life of Cuban leader Fidel Castro, including trying to send him exploding cigars and planning a misguided endeavor where Castro would be trapped in his bedroom and drowned in thousands of tons of frozen yogurt.

Danielsson remains confident in the slaying abilities of Watain.  “Look, if we could get to Robert Kennedy, Malcolm X, Whitney Houston and the drummer from Hanoi Rocks, what makes you think we can’t put that little twerp McCartney in the ground?”

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New Megadeth Song So Bad It Will Give Your Kids Hepatitis, Says Controversial Doctor

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While many reviewers and enraged Megadeth fans have panned the new single “Supercollider”, one man has taken his criticism a step further.  Dr. Josef Kranken, a researcher recently fired from the Monsanto Corporation, claims that, in a study conducted using one hundred volunteer 8-year-olds from a Phoenix elementary school, he has found evidence that repeated exposure to “Supercollider” could lead to inflammation of the liver consistent with the Hepatitis X virus.

Of the 50 children infected with the new Megadeth song, 46 of them developed symptoms within 3 to 5 hours.  The other 50 students, who only listened to songs off of “Rust In Peace”, showed no immediate health issues and, in fact, scored higher on standardized tests the following day.

Up until recently, Hepatitis X was referred to as Hepatitis D.  The virus changed its name during its conversion to Islam while in prison in 2010.  It is best known for causing an enormous growth in the size of people’s ears and large, droopy sacks of skin to bulging from a person’s forehead.  If not treated within 48 hours, it can lead to teeth growing out of the back of the victim’s neck.

This is not Dr. Kranken’s first foray into studying the health effects of heavy metal on human beings.  He authored a paper two years called “The Great Radikult Syphilis Epidemic of 2011” where he forecast a major worldwide outbreak of syphilis due to Morbid Angel’s release of the album “IIud Divinum Insanus”.  The study was debunked by several doctors, including noted Harvard immunologist Dr. Steven Copley, who went on to famously quip “the only possible way to catch a venereal disease listening to heavy metal is by standing too close to Vince Neil during a Motley Crue concert.”

Kranken, who graduated from University of Phoenix in 1979 with a degree in botanical psychology, was a top researcher for the Monsanto Corporation for over 20 years.  He worked on some of Monsanto’s most infamous projects including the one that convinced the company to market Posilac (or rBST), a chemical that has been known to cause extreme suffering in cows.  In his 1993 review of the effects of Posilac, he concluded that cows “might actually grow to enjoy the feeling of having gargantuan, swollen utters”.  Monsanto fired Kranken in 2009 when he refused to work on a program designed to create 1000-pound flesh-eating rats for the Chinese military.

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Jason X: A Spiritual Journey

 

Watch out…Plymouth Rock might land on you!

James Isaac’s classic 2001 film Jason X proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that horror films can be about much more than blood and guts.  Instead of plodding down the well-worn path of past slasher films, Isaac takes the series in a bold and beautiful direction.  In Jason X, Jason Voorhees discovers that there is more to life than simply killing frightened co-eds with chainsaw.  He has tired of a life of senseless murder and finally finds inner peace.  Jason X is the redemptive tale of Jason’s conversion to Islam and the strange course it sets his life on.

The film begins with Jason’s arrest and capture for the murder of 827 people at Camp Crystal Lake.  While in prison, Jason begins to feel a deep sense of inner sadness for his crime.  He is lost in a sea of sorrow when he meets Baines, a convict who changes his life forever.  Jason is introduced to the Koran and the way of Muhammad and for the first time begins to see something greater than himself in the world.  One of the most poignant scenes in recent memory comes when Jason, feeling terrible remorse for his crimes, begins to cry uncontrollably.  The image of tears rolling down that hockey mask is something I don’t think I will soon forget.

Jason is finally released 20 years later.  He returns to society and begins to work for Elijah Muhammad, one of the day’s great religious leaders.  At first, he gives speeches supporting Muhammad, but quickly becomes a well-known, popular leader with a slew of his own followers.  In order to stop Jason from taking over the Nation of Islam, Muhammad has Jason kidnapped, cryogenically frozen and hidden in the basement of a local public library.

Jason is re-awoken in the year 2455 by a crew of space travelers who are returning to reclaim the Earth (which was abandoned years earlier because of global warming and high taxes).   At first, when the crew discovers Jason they treat him well, but soon they begin to harass and chide him because of his unwillingness to take off the hockey mask.  Jason’s spirituality is tested as he begins to consider taking a machete to the explorers in revenge for their taunts.  Will Jason overcome his demons and chose the path of peace or will he go absolutely berserk and start killing people with random power tools?  The conclusion is a deep and powerful statement on the human condition and on the effects of liquid nitrogen on a person’s skull.

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