Posts Tagged Babies

Sepultura Singing Baby Becomes Internet Sensation

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A clip from last Wednesday’s episode of Brazil’s top prime time television program “Brazilian Idol”, known to the people as Placa De Ferver Infestados Rins, has become an Internet phenomenon thanks to the amazing performance of Aldo Infante.

Aldo is an 8-month-old whose voice sounds remarkably like Max Cavalera, the former singer of Sepultura and Soulfly.  The child sent the capacity crowd into hysterics by performing a spot-on cover of the Sepultura classic “Slaves of Pain” and then going into a stirring rendition of “Troops of Doom”.

This was a great moment for a nation that has experienced terrible turmoil for almost 30 years.  Ever since U.S. President Ronald Reagan sent swarms of bee people to the nation in 1986 in order to root our members of the Brazilian Communist Party (Os Desviantes) and ended up accidently killing 2/3s of the population, Brazil has been a country racked with sorrow.

“To see a baby, which only years ago would have been used for food by an undernourished population forced to survive in underground caves because of the swarms of killer Beemen stalking their every move, is a great thing for the Brazilian people,” said President Juan Ponce Gatuno.

While the Beepeople have mostly vanished or been killed off, the 2003 invasion of Brazil by The Robot Overlords from Paraguay has been yet another setback in the Brazilian people’s quest for a life above ground.  Many Brazilians were so moved by Aldo’s performance they have begun calling him “Salvador” (The Savior) and are talking about him as being a potential leader in a revolution against the bloodthirsty robot killing machines.

Singer and actress Peggy Lee, who moved to Brazil after her death in 2002, is currently a judge on “Brazilian Idol”.  She was so moved by Aldo’s performance that she ran onstage, sat in the lotus position and immolated herself in front of the cheering crowd.  Although she has burns over 98 percent of her body and currently lacks the ability to speak or breathe, she is expected to return to the show next week.

Responses from around the world to little Aldo’s Sepultura covers have been extremely favorable.  The clip has received over 15 million hits on YouTube and was the lead news item on the nightly broadcast of the BBC for the 3,000 or so Englishmen who survived The Great English Bloodfeast of 2009.

Americans, who have been mostly unharmed by the plagues, famines and alien attacks that have decimated most of the world, particularly love little Aldo.  According to Courtney Thirstwood, who lives in a gated community in Colorado, “OMG…..It is sooooooo amazing!  The baby sings heavy metal!  That’s soooo 80s!!!!  And it’s cute!  And cute things are fun to look at! Cause they’re cute!”

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Deicide’s Glen Benton Saves Baby From Burning Building; Throws It Back

Deicide vocalist Glen Benton has gained a reputation over the years of being mean-spirited and callous.  There was the time shot a squirrel with a pellet gun during an interview, or the time where he interrupted Christmas service at a local Tampa church by jokingly crucifying a senior citizen, or the time he sold chemical weapons to former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.  However, as we all know, even in the darkest and cruelest of human hearts, there is a bright light that shines.  No better example of this exists than what took place in Clearwater, Florida on Wednesday night.

Benton was walking home from his weekly Bible study and burning at a local Denny’s when he noticed a fire had broken out in a single family home.   Benton witnessed a man and a woman out on the curb screaming about a small baby trapped in the burning hulk of a building.

Without a moments thought, Benton rushed into the house, climbed two flights of smoke filled stairs and burst through the door of the infants room.  The stairs had become impassible so Benton tucked the baby into his jacket and leaped out the window grabbing a tree with his free arm.  There he hung in agony for seven minutes waiting for the fire trucks to arrive.

At this point, a small crowd of neighbors had gathered round.  As the firemen helped Benton down from the tree they began to applaud his amazing feat of bravery.  When he reached the ground and ran to the street, the group surrounded Benton and began thank him as tears of joy streamed down their faces.

In all the excitement and commotion, he threw the baby as far as he could.  It landed with a horrible thud in the smoldering wreck of a house.  The crowd was so stunned by Benton’s selfless actions, they ignored the burning child and lifted them onto their shoulders, carrying him up and down the street while singing the chorus from “Dead By Dawn”.

Glen-Benton

This isn’t the first time Benton has done something truly beautiful in service of his fellow human.  Back in 1998, Glen donated his earlobes and nose to a seven-year-old child who needed them to survive.  In 2003, he began a shelter for injured llamas and three-legged-pigs, which he runs out of the basement of his house to this day.  He spends his weekends helping to nurse sick baby woodchucks back to health at the local Tampa Zoo.

Glen’s work with one particular charity is particularly impressive. He donated most of the profits of the Deicide album “The Stench of Redemption” to Brands For Babies, a non-profit organization that helps small children get inverted crosses burned into their foreheads.  Benton is the national spokesman for the organization and has helped over 50,000 infants get the mark of Satan on their heads since 2006.

Of course, he will be remembered for creating some of the most punishing and horrifying music ever to be recorded, but there is a softer, more loving side to Glen Benton that few people see.  If you look past his menacing Manson-like countenance, his frightening behavior and his cold, dead eyes, you’re likely to see a man with a heart of gold.

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The Banality of Evil

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Original Sinners: The Immorality of Babies

They Crawl Among Us

A new class of criminal is lurking in the shadows of organized society looking to take advantage of those who have been lulled into a false sense of complacency.  The most effective criminals are often ones who can appear innocent.  Their innocence gives an unsuspecting victim a feeling of security, and then, when their guard is down and they are at their most vulnerable, these criminals will strike.  Babies are often thought to be the most innocent among us, but upon closer consideration, this façade of innocence quickly fades.

The other day I was walking around the local Target and a family shopping with an adorable little child who had to have been about a year and a half old sitting in a shopping cart.  I immediately became fascinated with this family and began following them around the store.  While they were in the toy aisle and the parents were distracted, I watching this “harmless” child reach out of the cart and grab a small toy car.  He played with the toy car for the rest of his time in the store continuing to play with it as the parents moved through the checkout aisle and out of the store.  This baby had just committed the crime of shoplifting.  What disturbed me about this was the joyful, guilt free expression on the child’s face and the ease with which he pulled off this little heist.  Many of you are apathetic to this sort of crime.  You may wonder why it even matters. You may think that this sort of theft is a victimless crime.  According to research done by the Thurston County Sheriff’s Office in Olympia Washington, shoplifting costs American businesses 16 billion dollars per year.  Yet babies, who commit this type of felony with impunity, are rarely held accountable for their crimes.

Recently, I watched two babies fight over who was going to get to play with a Fisher Price Little People Happy Sounds Home.  One of the babies pushed the other baby to the floor and snatched it up into its sinister little hands.  If this had taken place on a street corner and it had been a mugger throwing an older woman to the ground and taking her bag, people would have been horrified and the mugger would have been jailed for several years.  This baby, however, was merely put in timeout for 2 minutes.  After this so-called punishment, the baby returned to the toy room to no doubt continue its violent, plundering ways.

By the standards of any civilized society, babies are immoral little creatures.  Let’s measure the actions of most babies against the golden rule:  do unto others as they would do to you.  This is a maxim that has showed up in different forms in many major world religions.  Babies are often willfully negligent of this idea.  If you were to rip a toy out of a baby’s hand, it would scream and cry for mommy or daddy to make things right.  Clearly, babies value possessions and feel as if their rights to property should be protected.  But babies will clumsily grab an item that belongs to another child without a moment’s thought.   When the size two Hello Kitty slipper is on the other foot, they feel no remorse or empathy.

If this argument sounds absurd to you, it shows how deeply you have been conned.   They look back at us with those darling little eyes and make those cute little sounds and we are ready to forgive almost anything.  But we must not be fooled.   The impact of baby kleptomania is a massive drain on our economy. Baby on baby crime has reached near epidemic levels.  The sociopathic, inconsiderate nature of babies is an issue that has strained our great nation to its breaking point.  As a society, we must band together and take a stand against them…before it’s too late.

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