Posts Tagged Glen Benton

If Glen Benton Was A Librarian

Glen-Benton-Library

(Art by ZDK)

, ,

2 Comments

Glen Benton: Activist or Anti-Christ?

Glen Benton Christmas Sweater

Some of the people we view as great Americans have spent the better part of their lives being derided and defamed, only to later be discovered as incredible human beings.  Harry Truman was a wildly unpopular President who was viewed as incompetent by many in the press.  Today, he is viewed as one of the great Presidents of the modern era.  Muhammad Ali was once believed to be a draft dodging, loud mouth braggart who was disgracing the sport of boxing and America itself. When the “Sportsman of The Century” lit the Olympic torch in 1996 in Atlanta, there was almost no mention of that.

There are some people just like this in our world today.  One such man inhabits the world of heavy metal.  This local hero, defender of humanity, and social activist has sat quietly in the face of persecution for many years. That man is Deicide vocalist Glen Benton.

Most of Glen’s early works, much like those of Henry David Thoreau, focus on the abuses committed by the dominant religious system in America.  In a world racked by grief and suffering, Benton posed questions like “How can you call yourself a God?”  He also passionately revealed the mistreatment of God’s followers in his work with potent lines like “God is the reason we live in dismay, it is his will that this world is suffering”. After this intense period of anti-religious activism, Benton was directed by his own ethical compass inward to a more gentle period of his life.

Benton, Bunnies and Babies
Thus began his “furry adoption phase”. He began by adopting a few baby bunnies. The more bunnies he adopted, the bigger his heart swelled. At one time, the Benton house was home to over 300 baby bunnies.  He adopted many other animals included wounded llamas, lemurs and aardvarks, but it was the bunnies that he forged the deepest connection with.  This led to the most musically awkward phase of Benton’s career.

In 1994, Deicide tried to release the album “Cute Little Bugs” which was rejected by the record label and later re-recorded the next year with different lyrics as “Once Upon The Cross”.  The looming threat of commercial failure in the midst of soaring rabbit food costs was a wake-up call to Benton. He got back on the anti-God musical bandwagon in order to continue to support the incredible collection of animals who relied on him for sustenance.

The next major event in Benton’s life is still shocking to many. On a gloomy late December morning, he received a knock on his door.   When he opened it he found a young orphan left in a basket on his doorstep with a note that read simply “Jesus”. Benton, who could have easily eaten or sold the baby, instead committed the next years of his life to raising him, feeding him out of a bottle, and even going so far as to suckle him from his own teat. As he grew older, Jesus began eating sugary cereal, watching cartoons, and collecting Pokemon cards. In those days they were one big happy family- Benton, Jesus, and all 300 of the cuddly bunnies. He recalls that Jesus was just like any other normal kid, and that he often left crayons in his pockets which would melt in the wash.

Benton and Jesus
The mixing of Jesus and the bunnies under one roof is how our modern Easter tradition came about. We can all thank Glen Benton for that. However, when Mary and God, the child’s rightful parents, returned to claim him, Benton lost a bitter custody battle and had to say good-bye to young Jesus.

Years later, Jesus was arrested and crucified by the Roman authorities for shoplifting.  He still blames God for allowing the death of his young friend.  Had young Jesus stayed in Benton’s care, the two would still be happily sitting on a couch watching episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba.  Things turned out far differently.  Still haunted by those terrible memories, Benton has spent much of the latter part of his career singing about Jesus’ unfortunate death.

This was a dark and distressing period for Benton. He sought to make a strong statement about the injustices God had committed against his once foster son. He burned an upside-down cross into his forehead as a constant reminder of the grave injustice that had been committed. This act, while viewed as completely insane by some, has earned him the occasional comparison to the Buddhist monks who set themselves in fire in protest of the South Vietnamese government in the 1960s by those who understand Benton’s commitment to social justice.

Since that time, Benton has been busy teaching a young generation not to die on crosses or listen to their idiot parents, even if they are God. He has constantly been portrayed in as negative light by the media, having been called the everything from a terrible influence on America’s youth to the Antichrist. The truth is, Benton an activist in the mold of Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Sean Penn.  More than anything, Glen needs our love and understanding. Compassion for The Caco-Daemon is a non-profit group that has been started to collect letters of support and affection for Glen and his important cause.  They are currently accepting handwritten cards (preferably in crayon) to encourage Benton to continue his fight.

Cards can be mailed to:

Compassion For The Caco-Daemon
PO Box 2204
Gresham, OR 97030

, , , , , ,

Leave a comment

The Exorcism of Glen Benton

1059464_327116850753921_459095710_n

(This is probably the first article in history written using the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style.  When you get to the bottom of the page, click on the link that leads you in the direction you want to go in)

You are called into the Pope’s office at 3 o’clock in the morning.  You were summoned by the Vatican because of your impressive track record of killing demons and vegetarians.  Back in 2008, you saved the entire city of Cleveland from the wrath of Belial.  In 2010, you entered the netherworld and rescued Raiders quarterback Ken “Snake” Stabler, who was sent to Hell by God during a high stakes all night poker game with Satan.  Thanks to you, Stabler is alive and well, living in Foley, Alabama.

The Pope seeks your help.  He has heard that a demon known as Rotmensen has been living inside Deicide singer Glen Benton for the past 20 years.  He has been using Benton as a way of spreading the word of Satan to the souls of metalheads and yoga practicioners and has succeeded in causing great harm to this world.  The Pope is particularly angry about the Deicide concert he attended in Argentina last year. Benton showed up an hour late and they only played four songs because of an issue with the club’s management.  The Pope had only experienced this sort of insolence once before, at a Sly and The Family Stone concert in 1978, and swore that if he became Pope the demon inside of Benton would be punished.

He has offered you great wealth, fame and the first four Manowar albums on vinyl in return for exorcising the demon in Benton.  If you choose to go, you will be accompanied by the priest who performed the exorcism on Cronos back in 1996. He is world renowned for his ability to exorcise particularly evil, heavy metal ghouls.  If you are defeated by the demon, your soul may forever be damned to the worst neighborhoods in Hell.

Do you….

 

Agree to participate in The Exorcism of Glen Benton

 

Refuse The Pope’s Offer

 

Skip to The End of The Story To Find Out What Happens

, , ,

Leave a comment

Deicide To Record Yet Another Yoga Themed Satanic Death Metal Album

DEICIDE
Here we go again!  In the hopes of cashing in on a trend that seems to never go away, Florida death metal legends have become the 318th band to record an album focusing on the obvious connection between Satanism and yoga.  The album, tentatively titled “Hellward Facing Dog”, is scheduled for release in September in an attempt to not coincide with the hundreds of satanic yoga albums due out this summer.

Since the release of Virginia Republican Lieutenant Gubernatorial candidate E.W. Jackson’s 2008 book Ten Commandments To An Extraordinary Life:  Making Your Dreams Come True, which claims that yoga opens the soul to tampering by the devil, a nearly endless stream of Satan-themed yoga metal albums have come and gone.  “The connection is so obvious it seems passé at this point,” said lifetime yoga practitioner and devil worshiper Billy “Gore Tornado” Yee, “it’s obvious that if you engage in a spiritual practice that in any way steps outside the Western religious tradition or that seems, well, weird, you are bound to have your soul turned into Swiss cheese by the Dark Lord himself.  It was just a matter of time before the metal world caught up.”

Boy, have they ever caught up!  Satanic yoga metal classes have moved from fringe exercises performed by a legion of hate mongering savages to a regular activity taught at your local YMCA.  Morbid Angel’s yoga video “Sweatin’ With Satan” was the number 3 workout video in the country in 2009. The classic “horns-up” metal salute has been jettisoned in favor of a Buddhist hand mudra.  Moshing, once common at metal shows, has been replaced by groups of angry, tee shirt clad metalheads reciting mantras while seated in lotus position.

Deicide frontman Glen Benton, a “satanic purist” who had previously claimed to have no interest in the yogafying the band’s sound, has recently embraced the ancient art and even appeared on the television show “The View” to do poses with host Elizabeth Hasselbeck.  During the show, Benton admitted he was wrong about yoga and had never really taken the time to consider how sitting quietly in meditation and reconnecting with his body would allow him to unlock the “Satan within” that he had been seeking most of his adult life.  Benton went on to say that Deicide was considering using the next tour to promote even more controversial satanic practices like playing soccer and eating yogurt.

, , , , , , , , ,

6 Comments

Deicide’s Glen Benton Saves Baby From Burning Building; Throws It Back

Deicide vocalist Glen Benton has gained a reputation over the years of being mean-spirited and callous.  There was the time shot a squirrel with a pellet gun during an interview, or the time where he interrupted Christmas service at a local Tampa church by jokingly crucifying a senior citizen, or the time he sold chemical weapons to former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.  However, as we all know, even in the darkest and cruelest of human hearts, there is a bright light that shines.  No better example of this exists than what took place in Clearwater, Florida on Wednesday night.

Benton was walking home from his weekly Bible study and burning at a local Denny’s when he noticed a fire had broken out in a single family home.   Benton witnessed a man and a woman out on the curb screaming about a small baby trapped in the burning hulk of a building.

Without a moments thought, Benton rushed into the house, climbed two flights of smoke filled stairs and burst through the door of the infants room.  The stairs had become impassible so Benton tucked the baby into his jacket and leaped out the window grabbing a tree with his free arm.  There he hung in agony for seven minutes waiting for the fire trucks to arrive.

At this point, a small crowd of neighbors had gathered round.  As the firemen helped Benton down from the tree they began to applaud his amazing feat of bravery.  When he reached the ground and ran to the street, the group surrounded Benton and began thank him as tears of joy streamed down their faces.

In all the excitement and commotion, he threw the baby as far as he could.  It landed with a horrible thud in the smoldering wreck of a house.  The crowd was so stunned by Benton’s selfless actions, they ignored the burning child and lifted them onto their shoulders, carrying him up and down the street while singing the chorus from “Dead By Dawn”.

Glen-Benton

This isn’t the first time Benton has done something truly beautiful in service of his fellow human.  Back in 1998, Glen donated his earlobes and nose to a seven-year-old child who needed them to survive.  In 2003, he began a shelter for injured llamas and three-legged-pigs, which he runs out of the basement of his house to this day.  He spends his weekends helping to nurse sick baby woodchucks back to health at the local Tampa Zoo.

Glen’s work with one particular charity is particularly impressive. He donated most of the profits of the Deicide album “The Stench of Redemption” to Brands For Babies, a non-profit organization that helps small children get inverted crosses burned into their foreheads.  Benton is the national spokesman for the organization and has helped over 50,000 infants get the mark of Satan on their heads since 2006.

Of course, he will be remembered for creating some of the most punishing and horrifying music ever to be recorded, but there is a softer, more loving side to Glen Benton that few people see.  If you look past his menacing Manson-like countenance, his frightening behavior and his cold, dead eyes, you’re likely to see a man with a heart of gold.

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

21 Comments

%d bloggers like this: