You probably saw the article last week on Yahoo that “Men Often Don’t Go To The Doctor Because They Secretly Long To Die”.  The story was based on a survey that 90 percent of men would rather spend their time watching re-runs of “Two And A Half Men”, eating enormous plates of fried foods and harassing female bartenders than going to the doctor.  According to a study done by a guy I know from work, most American men have cholesterol rates over 2,300 and nearly 3,000 on weekends.  This wouldn’t be such a bad thing, except for the fact that some doctors have recently linked high cholesterol with heart problems.

According to the American Academy of People With Stethoscopes and BMWs, 56 percent of men between the ages of 25 and 34 don’t even know what the word “doctor” means.  What gives?

Simple.  “Men are pretty freakin’ stupid,” says I.P. Knightly, a contributing editor to Urologist Weekly and writer of best-selling books “Urine Trouble” and “You Gotta Be Kid-ney”.  “Men avoid doctors, mostly because they are scardey cats and also because their co-pays are around 80 bucks a visit.  Therefore, many men at some point in their life will die, in some cases without warning.”

Here are 5 warning signs that should tell you to go to a doctor immediately:

Profuse bleeding

Many American men see bleeding as a sign of weakness.  They think it shows that they are too emotional.  They worry that women will not be attracted to them because they are hemorrhaging out of their face, neck and chest.  So, they try to pretend they aren’t bleeding.

The first major symptom of bleeding is blood loss.  This is often followed by a red substance staining their clothes.  Men often ignore these signs until it is too late and they have ruined the nice white carpet in their office.

“Bleeding is a really bad sign,” says Dr. Marvin Obvious, a noted PhD who has spent most of his career studying the history of adhesive tape.  “Exercise and diet can help, but major loss of blood can overcome these things and lead to, well, something bad.”

Growth of Additional Limbs

I know, I know, you find that additional arm a big help in your job at the local copy shop.  Maybe you’ve gotten some complements on those extra toes that appeared at the end of your chin.  But beware, these seemingly innocuous appendages could be a sign of a deeper problem.

9 out of 10 Americans who have grown extra legs may be morphing into giant human spiders said a survey in the Upper Alabama Journal of Medicine and Other Forms of Witchcraft.  Sure, they look cool, but at what cost!?

Stoppage of Breathing That Lasts More Than A Week

What do all dead people have in common?  If you guessed, “they are not breathing” you are exactly right.  If you haven’t drawn breath in more than a week there is a good chance that you may, in fact, be dead.  A visit to the doctor could help delay the onset of early rigor mortis and severe bad breath.  Please, do not drive to your doctor if you have this symptom.  You may be lucky and just be one of the legions of undead zombies that walk the earth, but why risk an accident?

Spontaneous Combustion

A silent killer ends the lives of nearly 1.8 million Americans every month. Four thousand humans accidentally burst into flame every ten seconds around the world.  This horrible affliction turns average, normal people into human blowtorches at a moments notice. It often goes unrecognized, but people all around us are exploding all the time.  If you notice profuse sweating, overwhelming thirst and flames shooting from your chest your body may be telling you something.Americans who have been diagnosed with pyrokinesis are especially susceptible to this ailment.

An Overwhelming Urge To Eat Someone You Know

Some cultures practice ritual cannibalism.  We, unfortunately, are not one of them.  Besides the risk of social embarrassment that acting on this fantasy could create, there is the issue of indigestion and potential consequences from improperly prepared human remains.  If you are looking greedily at a friend or family member thinking of eating them…DON’T.  It’s unhealthy, dangerous and just plain gross.

So, the moral of the story is see your doctor.  The American Doctors In Need Of Pensions Because They Invested In Tech Stocks Association recommend visiting your doctor at least 3 times a week.  American men who visit their doctors regularly, don’t smoke, avoid ingesting large amounts of heroin or arsenic and eat more than once a week are four times as likely to live into their 70s.  And as everyone knows, the most important thing is not being dead.