The Internet Features Many Pictures Of People In Strange Contexts Often Different From What We Were Expecting
This year is shaping up to be one of the finest in the long, storied history of heavy metal. 2015 is less than 17 hours old and their have already been tens of thousands of great metal albums released to the public.
In fact, since midnight Slayer has already released a remarkable 7 albums, Megadeth has put out 9 LPs (which means around 4 good songs) and Devin Townsend has put out 137 records. In the last hour alone, 91,783 metal albums have been released.
If you took all the albums put out in the last 17 hours and stacked them on top of each other they would go all the way to Pluto…and back!
In order to absorb the amount of albums that have come out, I underwent surgery this morning to have 437 ears attached to my body. In order to accommodate all the new ears, I was stretched to 12 foot 8. Currently, I have 917 stereo systems playing 917 different records simultaneously.
While I’ve only had a chance to listen to the 786,012 albums one time through, I feel confident that I can discern which of these (now 793,124) albums are the 10 best. My only concern is that in taking the time to write this list I will be missing out on nearly 2,354 new albums. I will need to wake up an hour or two early in order to catch up lest I let things snowball on me and, by September, have somewhere in the neighborhood of a 978 million album deficit.
Abbath! Got’cha Again!
Here goes…
10. A Dog Barking At 3:17 AM Waking Me From A Dream In Which Myself And Sophia Loren Are Eating Seal Meat
by Austere Lymph Node
9. The Tape Some Rapper Gave Me At The North Dekalb Mall That I Threw In The Garbage The Minute I Was Out of His Range of Sight
by Yung Elderly
8. The Odd, Porpoise-like Grunting Noise The Guy Next To Me At The Gym Made When Auburn Scored A Touchdown
by Nefarious Old Person
7. A Chevy Tahoe In The Lane Next To Me Needs A New Muffler
by Senseless Barbecue
6. My Feet Grow Cold. I Get Up Out of My Chair In Order to Get A Pair of Socks. The Chair Squeaks.
by Murderous Narcolepsy
5. Flossing For The Second Time In An Hour
by Hypotenuse Death Angle
4. The Kids Are Listening To Some Moronic British Kid Yelling About Minecraft on Youtube
by Iron Steel
3. Mumbling Under My Breath At The Wendy’s Manager Because They Opened Five Minutes Late
by As I Lay Down For A Nap
2. I Wonder Aloud As To Whether Obscure Character Actor Fritz Weaver Is Still Alive. My Wife Ignores This Statement And Continues Reading.
by Iconoclastic Necromyopic Marzipan Blood Colon
1. Otters
by Benign Malignancy
The Tyranny of Tradition 
#1 by stevewynmur on January 2, 2015 - 12:34 PM
I have to take issue with your number one album, as I found ‘Otters’ to be a slight disappointment from the usually excellent Benign Malignancy. Oh sure, all the usual components that make the Nancy’s ‘Throbbing Gristle-meets-Edith Piaf black-funk-metal’ so compelling are there: the pots and pans tantrum drumming, the extreme weasel-squeaking vocals and the blistering ocarina solos, however the addition of Albanian Hoxha-core duo Skel Nonch and Urk Dre seems like the band have abandoned their main lyrical philosophy of Cartesian Dualism and Thundercats and are trying to make a quick lek.
#2 by Keith Spillett on January 2, 2015 - 3:50 PM
I really thought the lyrics were trying for an epiphenomenalistic nod to some of the early Care Bear books, but when you rely on banshee screams, dog whistles and grunting noises, it’s easy to be misinterpreted.
#3 by Fried Chicken And Metal on January 2, 2015 - 11:00 PM
I have to agree with Steve about “Otters” being a disappointment… c’mon man, Benign Malignancy hasn’t released ANYTHING worthwhile since their second album in 1979… clean your ears, Spillett!