As the America’s supply of umlauts drops to record lows, some bands are going as far as canceling shows instead of paying the exorbitant cost of purchasing them to put on signs and merchandise. Up until this point, only underground bands like Laaz Rockit have been impacted and had to cancel concerts, but even big name acts like Motley Crue are now being affected.
Motley Crue plans to cancel five dates on their annual final tour instead of spending thousands of dollars per umlaut, the going rate in many parts of the United States. The “It’s Never Too Late To Cash In On The Public’s Fixation With Nostalgia Tour” will no longer be coming to Phoenix, Sacramento and some other places that probably weren’t worth visiting anyway. In Europe, where umlauts grow freely on trees and can be purchased at the same cost as most other punctuation marks, none of the tour dates will be cancelled.
In order to conserve umlauts, some critics have suggested the band could do the shows as Motley Crew. However, according to drummer Tommy Lee, The Crue believe in keeping the integrity of the band’s initial mission sacred. That mission, to bring hard rocking ballads and ironic, faux-European pronunciations to the masses, should not be compromised under any circumstances.
“You can’t spell Motley Crue without the umlauts. I mean, you wouldn’t spell Jesus without a J. It would just just be “Esus” then. And who would take a guy named “Esus” seriously. No umlauts, no Crue…bottom line!”
Motley Crue’s resistance to compromise on its umlaut usage has struck many Americans as being selfish, particularly in a time of crisis. Many impoverished German Americans have been forced to sign their names without umlauts for several months now because of “umlaut gouging” in cities like Madison, Wisconsin and Fargo, North Dakota.
The public health toll of a potential American umlaut famine could be devastating. German infants, who need umlaut milk to avoid vitamin deficiencies and Pointed Head Syndrome, will be hit the hardest. Some mothers have gone so far as to try to supplement the diets of their babies with less nutrient rich asterisks and ampersands. Several parents have even taken to giving their children 1.99 cent a gallon unleaded gasoline in their breakfast cereals.
Jurgen Cathe, head of Rindfleischetikettierungsuberwachungsaufgabenubertragungsgesetz for the Ethical Treatment of Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung, plans to have his group protest several of the remaining American concerts because of the band’s “unwillingness to change their name and confront the most diacritical problem in America today.”
(Due to budget restrictions, Tyranny of Tradition was unable to afford umlauts for this article. If you need to use umlauts in order to understand the text, please print the article out and place appropriate dots above the correct letters)