Day of The Expanding Man

The Future Meets The Past

Over the past hundred years, human beings have grown dramatically in both height and weight.  Many of our greatest Americans, including George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, stood less than 2 feet tall.  Some scientists believe that our recent growth spurt is because of hormones and steroids in our milk, while others believe that better nutrition and health care have been the major factors, but it is an incontrovertible fact that humans are becoming enormous.

The average American male today stands 5 foot 10 and weighs 190 pounds, while his female counterpart is around 5 foot 4 164 pounds.  If you look at the numbers in 1900, it may surprise you.  Did you know just over 100 years ago the average male was a mere 3 foot 8 and 90 pounds?  Women were even more diminutive, standing a shade under 3 foot 3 and weighing 64 pounds.  This amazing statistic grows frightening when graphed on a curve.  By the year 2025, it’s expected that most American men and women will be larger than 8 feet and over 500 pounds.

A larger sized American will mean the need for more food consumption.  Several solutions have been proposed, but the most commonly accepted possibility, proposed at the UN only last month, is the eating of all natural born German citizens.  Germans are high in protein and contain the most calories per human of any possible cannibalistic meal.  Not only is a diet high in Germans filling, they are also extremely healthy.  Germans contain more Vitamin D than any current race and, as we know, without Vitamin D most humans quickly devolve into bloodthirsty, raging  werewolves.

Some doctors are proposing radical solutions for the recent trend in human size.  A shrinking procedure, first created by Doctor Julius Sandberg in 1998, has allowed giant people to reduce their height by as much as 5 inches.  The procedure, which involves humans beings trapped in large machines similar to dryers and put on spin for over three hours, has produced reliable results.  Another more controversial technique, which involves eating the pituitary glands of baby elephants, has gained some popularity in the news but has yet to yield the same results.

These solutions, however, have come at a great cost.  Over 40 percent of those who participated in the size experiments have began taking on mime-like qualities, including a pale face, inability to speak and the unnatural urge to pretend they are in an invisible box.   Several patients have spontaneously exploded while on airplanes during takeoff.  One patient even had her forehead expand rapidly until it was more than 5 feet long and 3 feet wide.

The rapid growth of human beings could cause untold suffering to people as they struggle with the aches and pains of a frame and a world holding well more than it is supposed to. However, the economic benefits that would come from the aggressive augmentation of the human form far outweighs the problems.  Doctors, hospitals and insurance providers will make billions as bones snap under the pressure of the added size.  The construction industry will be revitalized as buildings are reshaped to house the new race of giants.  A whole new economic boom based on the resizing of nearly everything could create a golden age for these gravity-taunted monsters.  The future is sure to be very big and very bright.

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on February 16, 2012 - 12:26 PM

    5’10 was so 7th grade, man…

    Signed,
    Milkaholic

  2. #3 by Irrelevant (@newsinjections) on February 16, 2012 - 1:04 PM

    Aren’t most people in America 500 pounds now anyway?

  3. #5 by victoriagrimalkin on February 16, 2012 - 3:45 PM

    Vitamin Deutsch may prevent Lycanthropy in carnivoreous Americans, but it is useless for the world in general, especially in countries such as India and the primarily Vegan northern Kalifornia. Lentils are the answer.

    • #6 by Keith Spillett on February 16, 2012 - 9:24 PM

      At the end of the day, it’s all about lentils.

  4. #7 by johncerickson on February 16, 2012 - 6:58 PM

    I think the prediction of 500-pound Americans is a bit too far in the future. The lack of height in the past would explain a great deal, though – the Washington and Lincoln memorials would be SO much more impressive if you’re only 3 feet tall.
    Oh, and one major complaint – you refer to a 5’10” 190-pound man as “average”. Well, I’m right on those numbers, and I ain’t gonna let NOBODY call me “average”! :p

    • #8 by Keith Spillett on February 16, 2012 - 9:24 PM

      By the current standards, I am well above average.

  5. #9 by aFrankAngle on February 17, 2012 - 7:37 AM

    Visited Monticello a few years ago … no wonder the bed was small! So in the spirit of Bedtime for Bonzo and Trading Places, environment or genetics?

  6. #11 by Henry Teaberry on February 23, 2012 - 4:39 PM

    This sounds exactly like an article I would find in The Onion. Great

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