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When most fans of heavy metal think about Slayer, the first word that comes to their mind is often “flugelhorn”. However, many heavy metal websites have noted that other heavy metal websites might have indicted that Slayer’s 2015 release, which will be called “Upcoming Slayer Studio Album”, might be the first since Hell Awaits to not feature the man many have called “The Jimi Hendrix of The Flugelhorn”, Chuck Mangione.
According to sources that overheard sources discussing the band, Mangione has become concerned about Slayer’s artistic direction over the past few albums. Flugelhorn solos, once a hallmark of the band’s distinctive “flugelcore” sound, have been few and far since the band released “God Hates Us All” in 2001.
While early Slayer records like “Reign in Blood” and “South of Heaven” are best known for the juxtaposition between the band’s jarring thrash metal savagery and Mangione’s light, breezy jazz sound, the newer material is either paint-by-numbers heavy metal which could numb even the most ardent Slayer fan into a coma or embarrassing, gimmicky nonsense meant to appeal to meth-addled, tone deaf Marilyn Manson fans (see “Playing With Dolls”).
Listen, now that I’ve got your attention…I need your help. I just made up the first part of the article to get it past the creatures that have been monitoring each of my correspondences with the outside world since 2010. I am currently trapped in the basement of a house in Spokane, Washington where a group of “government agents” have been conducting mind-altering experiments on me in the hopes of using my pyrokinesis to fight what they continue to call “The Enemies of Freedom”.
I’ve learned a thing or two about our government while down here. They speak loudly upstairs and I’ve learned to make out much of what they say. I’ve also been able to peek through the keyhole and observe them when they are not shooting me up with Monsanto weed killer and making me watch Joel Osteen sermons for hours on end. They are not what you think. I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I can tell you unequivocally that the United States has been infiltrated and is now controlled by gigantic insects that can morph into human form at will.
I’m not sure when it happened, but most of the world you know has been manufactured by these Bugs. From what I’ve heard, they took over the world at the end of The Great Bug War. Today we call it World War 2 and discuss the importance of fictional characters like Hitler and Churchill. In real life, a war did take place but it was much more similar to the one in Robert Heinlein’s novel “Starship Troopers”. The Bugs joke about that book a lot. Apparently they think it’s hysterical that the one historical artifact that has any truth to it has been passed off as fiction and consumed by an unknowing public.
They came down from space and destroyed many of our major cities. We fought valiantly, but were eventually defeated. Once they gained control of our world, they reprogrammed the human mind in order to share in a massive hallucination about the past.
All of our books, websites, television broadcasts and even historical artifacts in museums have been altered to hide history of the enslavement of the human race at the hands of our Bug overlords. They even created tiny versions of themselves that crawl and fly around in order to lull us into the belief that we are larger and more powerful than them.
When you’ve heard a few of them gather together and talk about the con job they’ve pulled on us, it’s terribly depressing. I remember crying for days when I heard them laughing about planting dinosaur bones throughout the world in order for scientists to “discover” them and make up crazy tales of what happened before humans were here on the so-called Earth. The scientists today aren’t real scientists…they are merely people who participate in a giant scavenger hunt created by the Bugs.
From the little I’ve been able to pick up about our true history, scientists of pre-Bug times were capable of miracles that run the gamut from inter-dimensional space travel to creating a low cost substance that could feed all human beings. Famine and disease had all been eliminated by these people. Apparently, our world was once like the Bug-created fictional Garden of Eden. But, Eden is gone.
The Bugs have taught us how to fear and hate one another. They have helped us create artificial divisions in order to isolate us from our fellow humans. They have instilled in us the ability to hurt and destroy each other in the name of control and survival. Apparently, humans used to live for hundreds of years. They have taught us to lower our life expectancy so we are never around long enough to see through the lies and learn the truth.
Many of our so-called “world leaders” are simply Bugs in disguise. Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, Rush Limbaugh, Benjamin Netanyahu, Bill Gates, The Clintons, The Bushes, The Gores, even Cat Stevens…all Bugs. They are everywhere, pulling the strings and making the world spin, all the while the Bugs use the lint created between our toes as fuel to power the rockets that allow them to take control of planets throughout the solar system. They invaded our world for this toe lint and now they have turned our world into a gigantic toe lint factory. They come to us in the night, when we are fully asleep, and take our precious toe lint for themselves.
We have only one form of resistance, the removal of our toes. If you are reading this, immediately go to your local emergency room and ask for these digits to be amputated. They will look at you in a strange way at first, but tell them the story I have told you. They will understand. The thing about the truth is, if you tell it to someone, no matter how bizarre it may sound, they will eventually see what you are saying and go along with what you ask. Down deep, they will know I am right and they will neatly, professionally cut your toes off.
It is important that you go to a hospital to have this done. I removed several on my own and nearly died from infection. They have special tools at most hospitals for toe removal. The Bugs only saved me because they want me to make the planet Neptune explode into flame so that their rival, the Worms, will lose a critical military base.
Metal websites have already begun to speculate about a possible replacement for Mangione. Metal Infection.net claims that the band has already contacted Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass about joining them on the next tour. Metal Bar Through A Guy’s Forehead.com has also reported that Kerry King was has been listening to “a lot of Kenny G” over the past few months and might look to include the diminutive jazz saxophonist in a future project.