Posts Tagged Nathan Deal

National Guard Called In As Protests Rock Atlanta’s Prog Power Festival

heavy metal protests

Brandishing signs saying “Better Pay, Shorter Solos” and “No Arpeggios, No Peace” musicians from The People For The Ethical Treatment of Power Metal Inspired Guitarists (PETPIG) clashed with the National Guard at Atlanta’s Prog Power festival on Thursday.  Many of the guitarists are angry about the difficult working conditions they face trying to play so-called “power metal”.

“You have no idea what it’s like,” said Bjorn Amadeus Mozart, guitarist from the band Frodo Baggins, “we are exposed to hours of high-pitched male falsetto vocals, often have to play complicated 25 minute solos, dress in tight pants regardless of our weight and spend hours of our free time reading obscure Robert Jordan novels in order to come up with lyrics to appeal to our audience.  We are tired of it.”

The big issue, according to PETPIG President and Samwise Gamgee guitarist Thor von Wagner, is pay.  “We are expected to carry the band with our classically-influenced, innovative riffing techniques and, yet, when we get our paychecks they are often similar to that of bass players, who basically stand there and “look metal” without exerting much effort.  You could hang a coat on a power metal bassist and they’d be just as useful.”

Power Metal Guitarists Threaten Good, Upstanding Americans With The Use of Dangerous "Pollen Baring Devices" At Prog Power

Power Metal Guitarists Threaten Good, Upstanding Americans With The Use of Dangerous “Pollen Baring Devices” At Prog Power

In spite of what seem to be a reasonable set of grievances, Georgia governor Nathan Deal has taken a strong stand against PETPIG, ordering the entire National Guard to Atlanta to stop the seven protestors from picketing in front of the event.  Citing Georgia’s strict “no public assembly if it in any way interferes with commerce” policy, Deal approved the use of tear gas and rubber bullets to break up the demonstration.

“The people won’t stand for a bunch of Sabaton listening hippie foreigners coming over here and causing a ruckus.  We barely survived influx of peace freak ‘community organizers’ in the 1960s.  It’s time we let them know that Woodstock is over!” screeched Deal into a megaphone from the steps of the Barrow County Elementary School to a bloodthirsty crowd of patriotic Americans.

Many members of the National Guard seemed confused by the sudden use of violence against protestors.  However, others seemed to understand that this sort of display of fascist brutality is simply away for Deal to appeal to his party’s base in his attempt to be reelected governor in 2014.  Still others relished the opportunity to engage in a rampage against people with long hair.

“I’ve always looked back on my father’s generation and thought they were the lucky ones.  They got to fight the battle for freedom right here within our borders back in the days before America became a Kenyan communist dictatorship. Where is our Kent State?  This is the sort of thing we need to do to take back our country from the power metal hippies who are currently taking people’s right to consume jumbo sodas in New York and preventing the children of Georgia from possessing the latest in military-grade weaponry!”

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Georgia Bans Cute Pictures of Kittens From Facebook

As of midnight on May 4th, 2015, Georgia will become the first state to formally ban cute pictures of kittens from the popular website Facebook.  The move comes in response to a deluge of pictures of kittens in sinks, kittens wearing Darth Vader masks and kittens doing activities typically done by human beings like water skiing or juggling.  In a poll of Georgia voters, kittens on the internet ranked third behind the economy and the threat of poor people receiving adequate medical care as issues that threatened the future of America.  Governor Nathan Deal said yesterday in a press conference that “kitten picture crime might well represent the greatest threat to an efficient and democratic society since baby ducks.”

According to a recent study, 2/3s of the traffic on Facebook is believed to be adorable pictures of kittens.  Republican Representative David Wayne from Hiram, Georgia was fed up and introduced legislation last year to ban these offensive images.  According to Wayne, kitten pictures cause people to become “distracted and less productive” around the office.  Wayne estimates that kitten related work slacking costs the state over 1 billion dollars in revenues on a weekly basis as people waste hours of time giggling and showing their friends all the funny things that tiny cats can do.

While these pictures seem harmless to many people, many critics, including syndicated conservative talk show host Mike Howe, have speculated that pictures of baby cats could be a way for Al-Queda to communicate with sleeper terrorist cells throughout the country.  “Some people think a kitten rolling around in a pile of string is hysterical,” said Howe during yesterday afternoon’s show, “they laugh and laugh and laugh.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  Meanwhile, instructions are being given to groups of terrorists to release biological weapons at Dairy Queens throughout America.  I’ve seen the face of fear folks…and it has whiskers.”

Other politicians had more practical concerns.  Representative Ronny Munroe from Valdosta, Georgia sees the current “kitten picture crisis” as an example of the erosion of American values.  “Kittens are soft and weak. If you expose one to the extreme heat of a microwave oven or throw one into a bear cage, it will die within seconds.  What happened to the rugged individual?  Our nation was founded by men who would stay outside in a blinding snowstorm for three weeks without food or shelter while bleeding profusely from their eyes and scalp.  They didn’t have pictures of kittens or government programs to keep them safe,” announced Munroe during his daily massage at the Eggmont Golf and Athletic Club.

The Kitten Crime and American Freedom Act is being hailed as a landmark piece of legislation that should help create jobs and imprison political deviants throughout the state.  Similar pieces of legislation are being considered around the country. The new law stipulates that a first time offender could be forced to serve 12 months in prison and pay a twenty five thousand dollar fine.  A second offense could lead to the criminal being forced to attend five regular season Atlanta Hawks games.  Whatever effect the law has, it has become clear that posting pictures of kittens on Facebook is no longer a laughing matter.

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