Posts Tagged Pica

New Amon Amarth Album To Focus On Thor’s Bout With Male Menopause

Amon_Amarth_2005In a year packed with anxiously awaited album releases, few have garnered as much enthusiasm as Amon Amarth’s “Hypogonadism Of The Thunder God”, expected sometime later this year.  The record focuses on a period later in Thor’s life where he experienced issues with reduced libido, rapid mood swings and hot flashes.  Amon Amarth often focuses on well-known Norse mythological themes, but this album sheds new light on a time in Thor’s life that he was often embarrassed to speak about publicly.

After Thor’s second battle with Jormungand, he went through a particularly difficult stretch of time where he felt a significant decrease in energy and an overpowering urge to read the poetry of Robert Bly.  His lack of masculine enthusiasm caused resentment from many of the women in Thor’s life, including his wife Sif.  Even Thor’s once mighty hammer began to lose its potency.  In order to “get his groove back”, Thor left his home and meekly wandered around the Land of Giants for several years until he found Viagrund, the Norse god of male enhancement.  Upon drinking a magic potion, Thor reclaimed his vitality and triumphantly marched back to Asgard ready to punish those who opposed his ever-stiffening will.

Amon Amarth’s tribute to Thor’s season of listlessness will feature several powerful tracks including “For Testosterone Or Death”, “A Beast I Was” and “Thor Barely Rising”. The first single “Wrath of The Dysfunctional Norsemen” is expected to hit the airwaves in the next few months.

Rumors have been swirling that the Albanian Ailmentcore scene will be a major influence the new Amon Amarth record.  Singer Johan Hegg recently did a concert while wearing a Pica shirt.  Pica is, of course, the Albanian Ailmentcore band that made headlines after eating two guitars, a bass, a drum kit and 100 pounds of potting soil during a concert in February.  There were even reports that the band was considering covering a song off of Fish Odor Syndrome’s seminal 2008 debut album “For The Halibut”, but the band has denied that any covers will be on the LP.

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Researchers Link “Slayer Obsession” To Food Allergies

John Murphy At A Slayer Concert After Consuming 12 Jars of Pickle Juice

In a surprising study done by Johns Hopkins University, a direct connection has been found between being obsessed with the heavy metal band Slayer and consumption of certain classes of food.   Slayer Obsession, known in medical parlance as Human Epiglottal Lymphogranuloma Lychosis or HELL, has been known to effect two in every three Slayer fans at least one time in their lives.  In more serious cases of Slayer Obsession, a diet rich in certain classes of carbohydrates and proteins has been linked to symptoms as serious as the need to carve the band’s name into a person’s arm, the desire to write “SLAYER” on random Facebook message threads or even the overwhelming need to write the lyrics to “Dead Skin Mask” and other Slayer songs on inappropriate places such as church pews or children’s foreheads.

One food, unsurprisingly, that can cause Slayer addiction is barley, commonly found in beer.  As many as 4 in 10 beer drinkers find themselves with mild to serious cases of HELL.

What is shocking are the other types of food that can lead to this disorder.  The researchers found that people who consume more than 12 ounces of butter per day were found to frequently listen to the album “Seasons in the Abyss” for between 6 and 8 hours in an evening.  Consumption of cucumbers or cottage cheese can lead to the desire to lock oneself in a room and listen to nothing but “South of Heaven” for entire weekends at a time.

The real stunner was that pickle juice is a major contributor to the disorder.  Apparently pryotophan, an amino acid found in pickle juice will, in almost all cases, lead to immediate bouts of HELL and a nearly mindless sense of euphoria.  Many fans at fans Slayer shows, who have recently been seen consuming entire containers of the water in pickle jars, have found themselves running wildly around in circles and running into one an other in a symptom that doctors refer to as “moshing”.  Some Slayer fans have even taken to smoking and free basing pickles before shows in order to get the desired effect.

While doctors for years have believed that only the love of Jesus Christ or a good woman could help HELL sufferers, the Johns Hopkins research team believes that eating certain things can help cure the disorder.  One such food is potting soil.  According to their study, eating 9 ounces of mineral rich potting soil per day can lead a sharp decrease in the need to listen to Slayer.  They also recommend eating at least 3 servings of donkey spleen per week.

For sufferers of this disorder, the future may seem bleak.  They may feel powerless over their obsessions and symptoms.  However, a diet rich in dirt and donkey parts can ensure that, in fact, HELL does not await.

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